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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24638032">The Epitome Of Him</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kristiest/pseuds/kristiest'>kristiest</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Assumed Suicide, M/M, MSBY, TRIGGER WARNINGS:SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, a lot of time skips, deceased hinata shouyou, everyone hates kageyama, everyone's graduated, hinata x everyone but not really, many skips as this isn't focused on any live characters, slow progress, there are chapters focused on the past, there is no consistent time line, timeskip characters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:41:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>57,705</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24638032</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kristiest/pseuds/kristiest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of small entries from the recently passed Hinata’s most recent diary, Kageyama’s sin and confusion, the past, the overcoming of depression-and everyone's mourning.</p><p>—or better said as,<br/>They were robbed of the sun. What were they to do?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou &amp; Miya Atsumu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou/Oikawa Tooru, Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>76</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>259</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Hinata's textbook</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“And… if you two… brought the bitterness until the end, don't come to regret it, Tobio. Hinata doesn't hold any grudge towards you. At least, I know enough to say that.” Atsumu puts the bouquet into the ring and pats Kageyama’s shoulder. “He’s all yours.”</p><p>With that last state, Atsumu walks off, without saying anything else.</p><p>There’s this urge within Kageyama that he does his utmost best to ignore. The urge to pull Atsumu by the hair and slam his face into the wall.</p><p>Only because he’s the main reason why… everything happened.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>new story woot woot<br/>ok so if u have a weak heart for haikyuu boys suffering this aint for you<br/>otherwise, prepare a pack of tissues</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was a quiet Saturday, and it was the day after Hinata’s cremation. Kageyama sat alone in Karasuno’s Volleyball court. He didn't know why his feet lead him there, maybe it was just his old habits, or maybe to find peace of mind amidst the calamity inside his head and heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a weekend so no student was around, just a few teachers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s missed going here, he remembers those continuous days of racing with Hinata to and from school. How Hinata would dash through, how he’d made these stupid rumbling sounds.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama misses everything about Hinata, and there’s so many things he’s come to regret.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Like how he was persistent on not becoming in the same team as Hinata. Or how he didn't try to stay up to date with the boy, and how he rarely even tried to see him sometimes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>MSBY’s currently a mess, with Hinata gone-Atsumu seems like he doesn't want to play now, so does Sakusa, and of course, Bokuto. Bokuto was one of those who couldn't accept it until the cremation, even now-like Kageyama, Bokuto has no plan on accepting the bright boy’s sudden death.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama sighs, sitting in the corner while hugging his knees to his chest. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he swore inwardly, feeling the throbbing and the aching inside his chest. The longing, the lament, the endless overthinking. Kageyama can’t focus on anything anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah…” Someone from the door makes a sound, Kageyama lifts his chin to check and he finds Tanaka, Nishinoya and Asahi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Kageyama.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama stands up from the floor, “Hey…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing here?” Asahi asks, walking in and picking up a ball.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama shrugs, “I could say the same to the three of you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boy slips his hands into his coat’s pockets, looking down and letting his raven hair cover his swollen eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, we don't know. We just…” Nishinoya tries to think of something to say, but fails at it. “I guess, we just miss the old times.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tanaka nodded and covered his eyes, “Damn, didn’t think Hinata’s… you know… would be the reason why we’re all going to meet up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Kageyama glances towards Tanaka, who’s now facing the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We saw Ennoshita, Daichi and Suga at the entrance. Then Yamaguchi and Tsukishima in the cafeteria.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... huh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish we all met up more often.” Nishinoya walks to Asahi, who’s playing with the wall. “I honestly didn't think I’d be back here so soon, and for this reason…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We couldn't really talk at the ceremony, everything was just too… heavy…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama decides to space out, as he doesn't want to listen to his friends’, because he fears that he might break down again. He’s about to walk out, to get some fresh air, but meets the rest of the gang by the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daichi met eyes with Kageyama, and he gave him a gentle smile as he noticed Kageyama’s quivering lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... hey.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, all eight of them were sitting on the floor in a circle. Like they were going to make some kind of ritual, but that would be another story.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama’s hugging his knees again, chin resting uncomfortably on scratched skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you all doing here?” Daichi speaks first, he felt like he needed to, him being the former captain and all…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some things don't change.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He still felt that he had the responsibility to get these boys back to their feet, or to scold them when they did something reckless or wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone except the interrogator shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed the court.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... no need to ask that… you know we’re all here for the same reason.” Sugawara places his hands on his legs, like he’s meditating. “It’s been a while, you lot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Indeed.” Asahi scratches his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It's been too long.” Yamaguchi speaks for the first time, he’s obviously still shaken but better, if compared to others. “The last time I saw Hinata was during his game two months ago… I was so shocked when I heard the news…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t push it, Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima leans forwards and rests his elbows on his knees. “I don’t think any of us is ready to talk about Shouyou, especially…” He takes a quick look at Kageyama. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. I think it’s best if we just catch up, no?” Ennoshita recommends, in an effort to lighten up the atmosphere. “How are you all?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone starts to unwind, talking about what’s been going on in their lives.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For Daichi, he explains that work at the Department has been hectic. Him being a police officer and all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sugawara says that he’s currently an elementary school teacher, he says that the kids are a handful but they're available.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For Asahi, there’s… nothing much important to mention. He’s been playing volleyball with some new friends and is working here and there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ennoshita is currently a physical therapist, Tanaka can’t stop bragging about Kiyoko, and that he’s also a personal trainer. Nishinoya can’t help but punch Tanaka but he’s happy for them, and is proud of his friend. Nishinoya says that he’s been fishing, just because he thinks it’s fun. He left the country to fish in Italy. Yamaguchi’s still studying, and is now a college senior. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima, and Kageyama, as everyone knows very well-are professionally playing Volleyball.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama didn't need to speak, everyone knows what’s going on with his life because of a recent interview with the Schweiden Adlers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... so… has anyone been updated with Hinata’s life? like, constantly…?” Tanaka asks, feeling bad because he hasn't.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have, every now and then.” Daichi answers Tanaka, “He asks for advice from me sometimes, so we talk… not a lot, though. Because we’re both busy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyone else?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hang out with him a lot” Tsukishima mentions, “After practice matches, he comes over and I to his dorm, so yes, I’m updated with his life... What about you, Kageyama? I expect you to be close with him, since you two couldn't be separated before.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey…” Yamaguchi nudged Tsukishima.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, we didn't talk a lot.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do we have to…? Besides. Like Daichi said, we’re both busy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s… disappointing.” Tsukishima lies.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is it disappointing? He’s got Atsumu, he doesn't need me around anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, enough…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama sighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyway,” Daichi feels pins poking his feet. “We should head out. Should we continue catching up and eat somewhere?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm free!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone is set on eating out, everyone except Kageyama.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama explains that he needs to go and still has to do something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone just lets him go because they </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>, they know that Kageyama isn't okay. The boy leaves first and just says that they should get together again, soon. Everyone agrees to this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama leaves the school and heads home, mind lost in the clouds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not that they drifted apart. They were just too busy. Hinata was busy getting better and training, the same with Kageyama.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s definitely it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s nothing else to it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once Kageyama is home, he takes note that no one else is inside. He kicked off his shoes and went to his room to rest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he was finally lying down on his bed, he wanted to sleep but his eyes couldn't stay closed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His thoughts wander, to the most recent memories of Hinata to the oldest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realizes that Hinata’s changed so much, over the years. He doesn't know if it's a good change, or a bad change-he’s not one to say. Especially when…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” Kageyama swore, hissing as he turned on his belly and buried his face into his pillows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All he could think of was Hinata. Hinata’s smile, orange hair, umber eyes, his small body, his voice….</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hears his phone go off from his sports bag, without moving from his position, his hand fished for his mobile phone. He finds his phone and turns it on, there’s a message from Atsumu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Miya Atsumu:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Yo yo, Tobio]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Ik we aren't on the best of terms but i think u should have something of shouyou’s]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[dont want to give it to u lol 🤪 but, osamu told me that you deserve?????]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[it more than me 🙄]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[what bullshit, ikr-]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[anyhoo, meet up w me if u want it. i’m visiting shou tomorrow to give him flowers.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[im going to bring the thing w me, so if u want it, come n get it]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama's eyes sting at the sight of Atsumu’s name, but it’s different from the pain when Kageyama comes to read Hinata’s name. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He replies, “What the fuck is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Miya Atsumu:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[why should i tell you lol]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[find out yourself]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[🥱🥱🥱]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of the few things Kageyama is sure of is that he hates Atsumu. To the very core. He hates Atsumu’s very embodiment, his voice, annoying look and the way he stayed around Hinata.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama thinks that it's useless to reply to Atsumu so he doesn't, and just turns his phone off as he throws it onto his desk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Miya Atsumu:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[i’ll be there @ 12.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[ill see yer ass until then]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama doesn't bother to check it. Especially now when his face is back to sinking into the pillows. Kageyama clicks his tongue, he wonders what Atsumu has of Hinata’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What kind of relationship did they have? Is it the kind of relationship where Hinata leaves his things behind to let Atsumu keep? … something like that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It hurts, thinking about it, so Kageyama tries to dismiss his useless thoughts. But can't, because now he’s bothered by the thing Atsumu wants to give.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wonders if he’ll be able to sleep tonight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata’s death is something so very sudden and unexpected. To think that, the boy who was so bright, who was so full of energy-Hinata, who runs around everywhere and jumps like he could fly-would suddenly cease from existence without a word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone can't help but feel that there’s something missing, even when Hinata isn't included in their daily lives. They felt it, the emptiness that Hinata’s left behind for everyone to question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one really understands how Hinata died.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was it… on purpose? or was it an accident?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are people who say that he walked into the middle of the road without much thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are people saying that a car hit him while red light.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are people that say that he’s been struggling and just felt… like it…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are people saying that thinking of it as something Hinata did on purpose is stupid. Because why would Hinata want to end his life? That’s finally going his way. He’s in a professional volleyball team, with people he’s already familiar with. His team’s a star and has made history in the volleyball world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why would Hinata want to do something like that when his life’s at the top or heading to the peak?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s stupid, Kageyama thinks. Why does it matter? He’s gone. Hinata can't be brought back. The pointless chatter about how Hinata died is completely stupid. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But… sure, Kageyama also wants to know how Hinata died. But he doesn't want to hear it from anyone else but Hinata, and that’s impossible. So he knows that he should just let it go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thinks… if Hinata really walked into traffic, why would they want to do such a thing? If they were struggling… why didn't Hinaga ask for help? Why… didn't he notice? Kageyama should've noticed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Did Atsumu notice?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu’s been quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s an uncomfortable silence but Kageyama doesn't want to disrupt it, after all, Atsumu’s silence is rare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But… it bothers him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Does Atsumu know something?</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe I’ll find out, maybe I wont.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama drifts off, despite his noisy thoughts.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Kageyama steps into the columbarium, making his way to the room where he knows Hinata’s ashes are resting. He checks his watch, it’s a quarter past 12.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s sure Atsumu doesn't mind waiting, Kageyama knows that Atsumu’s talking to Hinata now. He walks slowly, and once he arrives at the room where Hinata’s in, he peeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu standing in front of Hinata, a large, beautiful bouquet in his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you felt like that, you should've told me…” Kageyama hears but that’s it, everything else is just whispers. Atsumu looks incredibly sad that it’s bothering. When Atsumu’s done talking, that’s when Kageyama decides to walk in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu senses it, and instinctively wipes his eyes and nose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, were you crying?” Kageyama says in his usual tone, acting dumb. “What is it that you wanted to give?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn't.” Atsumu answers and doesn't even bother to come up with an excuse. He knows that defending himself to Kageyama is pointless. “Uh-huh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu fishes something from inside his bag. He takes out a medium sized journal, with a thick leather cover and a few stickers here and there. He hands it to Kageyama.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?” Kageyama asked as he takes the thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s Shou’s diary.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... why are you giving me his diary?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think… there are words here that are meant for you to read. That’s just not me, Bokuto and Osamu thinks so, as well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You three read Hinata’s diary?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A bit, only until page 12 or 14. Bokuto said that it was wrong to read it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What makes you think that it’s right for me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hinata mentioned you a lot. Even in little scribbles or random writing,” Atsumu looks towards Hinata, “And besides, we think it’ll give you some peace of mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... huh.” Kageyama doesn't open the textbook just yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And… Hinata talked about you a lot. He would always find ways on how to include you in his daily conversations… he adores you a lot, and I'm sure you feel the same way about him. I hope… Hinata’s death doesn't taint any of your good memories of him. As well as the bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama falls silent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And… if you two… brought the bitterness until the end, don't come to regret it, Tobio. Hinata doesn't hold any grudge towards you. At least, I know enough to say that.” Atsumu puts the bouquet into the ring and pats Kageyama’s shoulder. “He’s all yours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With that last state, Atsumu walks off, without saying anything else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s this urge within Kageyama that he does his utmost best to ignore. The urge to pull Atsumu by the hair and slam his face into the wall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only because he’s the main reason why… everything happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s wrong to blame him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, those words have never popped up in Kageyama’s head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama looks at the textbook’s cover. It wasn't old, nor was it new. It was in good condition, but it’s spine was a little textured, and the most pages were obviously used because the textbook wasn't flat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama puts the textbook into his sports bag and finally looks at Hinata.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... ‘sup.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Page 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kageyama didn't think that that would be the end. He didn't think that those hurtful exchange of words would be the last. How could it be? </p><p>He hoped that he would be able to make up with Hinata. But what can he do now? It’s too late.</p><p>Kageyama would blame himself if he found out that Hinata actually did it on purpose.</p><p>Even if it’s not confirmed, Kageyama still blames himself.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ahahaha i clearly dont have anything better to do. my mom's SCREAMING bc im alw either on my laptop or sleeping ⚰️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kageyama sat on the edge of his bed, crossed legged and headphones resting around his neck. It played a rising indie song, but Kageyama didn't notice that much. His focus was on the object in his hands, Hinata’s journal. It’s been a few days since Atsumu gave it to him, and he still hasn't opened it, or bothered to read it. He doesn't know what, but there’s something stopping him. Like there’s something keeping him from opening it, reading it and turning it’s pages.</p><p>He gripped the textbook’s sides, while one thumb rubbed over peeling stickers. He’s afraid of something.</p><p>What was he going to find out if he read this? What did Atsumu mean by him deserving it more? What are the words that Atsumu talked about? Did Hinata write about Kageyama? … more often than not? Kageyama doesn't want to know, but at the same time-he does. He’s afraid of knowing what’s been on Hinata’s mind.</p><p>Does the boy by chance... say anything bad about him? </p><p>Would there be soul crushing, heart wrenching, tear jerking and eye straining phrases that would be found here?</p><p>He turned it to it’s pages, it was a little stuffed. As the pages had spaces in between, a few were crumpled, like they were wet and dried.</p><p>
  <em> Are those dried tears? </em>
</p><p>Kageyama huffs, placing the book down and putting the headphones on. He fell on his back and covered his eyes to block out the light. Mind wandering again, all his senses slowly start to fade.</p><p>He doesn't hear any music-all he hears is his shallow breathing. It’s suddenly quiet, so his heartbeat joins the rhythmic sound of breaths. And all at once, Kageyama feels that he’s alone in the world. It’s dark, there’s nothing he can see but himself. It was ridiculous.</p><p>It was never like this, at least, whenever Hinata was around. Hinata’s light, after all. His name <em> literally </em> means the Sun, he himself <em> is </em> the very sun.</p><p>He’s warm, bright and cozy. Like the sun. Or a thick blanket made of the best fabric to exist.</p><p>Even his voice, it’s a little pitched, but it’s never annoying. If anything, Hinata’s voice is comforting. Like a powerful force that meant ‘you can do it’, or something…</p><p>Then his eyes. His eyes that could see through you like glass or read you like a book. Those deep brown orbs, that when you get the chance to stare into-you’ll feel lost and the only thing that could pull you back is his own voice.</p><p>It’s crazy.</p><p>How Hinata messes up the ways of how Kageyama functions. And everyone else’s.</p><p>He’s a troublemaker, but at the same time-he creates peace and doesn't even realize it…</p><p>At least, to others. Hinata is the very embodiment of chaos to Kageyama.</p><p>Then lastly, but of course, never the least… Hinata’s smile.</p><p>Kageyama doesn't want to think further.</p><p>Why? Because his heart is starting to hurt, and his chest is beginning to feel heavy.</p><p>He hates himself for not being able to make Hinata smile at least, until the last moment they saw each other.</p><p>Would you believe that the last thing Kageyama did to Hinata was… making him frown? </p><p>He remembers it far too well.</p><p>They were arguing, shouting at each other with their own voices cracking. Hinata had tears streaming down his face but he didn't sob. Kageyama clenched Hinata’s collar, glaring at him with eyes welling.</p><p>—“<em> Leave me the fuck alone. Don’t come near me anymore. </em>”</p><p>Were his last words for Hinata. And Hinata’s last words for him were;</p><p>“<em> If that’s what you want, fine. I'm not going to chase you anymore. I’m done with you, this is over. </em>”</p><p>And like that, Hinata shoved Kageyama’s hands off and walked away.</p><p>Kageyama didn't think that <em> that </em> would be the end. He didn't think that those hurtful exchange of words would be the last. How could it be? </p><p>He hoped that he would be able to make up with Hinata. But what can he do now? It’s too late.</p><p>Kageyama would blame himself if he found out that Hinata actually did it on purpose.</p><p>Even if it’s not confirmed, Kageyama still blames himself.</p><p>
  <em> What was he thinking about? Before… that… was he thinking about me? </em>
</p><p>Such selfish thoughts.</p><p>What pulls Kageyama from his trance is the sound of music making its way to Kageyama’s ears.</p><p>An old song was playing now. </p><p>Kageyama sits up and removes the headphones and turns the music off. Again, Kageyama takes the textbook. He opens it finally, but tries to not give it much thought. </p><p>“Let’s see…”</p><p>He turns it to the first page, there isn't much. Just a few scribbles and random words here and there. At the bottom, it says that the book belongs to Hinata.</p><p>
  <em> His handwriting is so messy… </em>
</p><p>He flips it to the next page, it’s the same. Just random notes and to-do lists. He continues to read the meaningless words, until page 11. Where there’s a note in bold red.</p><p>
  <em> “Im going to make this my diary! cant properly do a bujo bc im lazy ahahaha. atsumu! hands off! u too, bokuto!” </em>
</p><p>Kageyama traces over the characters. “... huh.”</p><p>He turns it to the next page.</p><p>In the center is a folded picture. Kageyama takes it, there’s a note. </p><p>It says, ‘<em> stupid setter!’ </em></p><p>Kageyama assumes that it’s Atsumu but opens it regardless. Turns out, it’s an old picture of Kageyama, standing at the back of the court with a bottle of water in hand. He was wearing the karasuno coat. It was taken during their third year.</p><p>“Why’d he have this…? weirdo…”</p><p>Page 11 doesn't say much other than that. The next page is just scribbles.</p><p>The page after that has a whole entry, the whole paper is filled with words and erasures.</p><p>It read,</p><p>“[5/16]"</p><p>
  <em>"t</em>
  <em>oday was so boring!!!!!!! atsumu and i practiced our new quick, but only for a few hours because osamu came and invited us out to eat. Then he just left! osamu’s so rude TT” </em>
</p><p>Below, it continues.</p><p>“<em> atsumu said that he was stuffed and didn't want to practice more because he was worried of puking and wasting osamu’s money. URGHHH ):” </em></p><p>Then,</p><p>“<em> so i went back to our dorm and spent the rest of the day resting. and now im writing this hahah. its been…. about 2 weeks? since i last saw Kageyama. :( i wonder how he’s doing? i hope he’s doing good w Ushijima. ackk, what’s the use in caring if we dont even talk anymore?” </em></p><p>Kageyama finds himself smiling, but it hurts. </p><p>“Hinata, there’s not a day that passes by without me thinking about you…”</p><hr/><p>It’s a Monday, and the gang decided to have lunch together since Nishinoya’s going to leave the country soon. Daichi is walking down the road with his eyes glued to his phone. He should know better.</p><p>He’s walking carefully, while he’s scrolling through his old texts with Hinata. </p><p>-(5/04)-</p><p>Shouyou:</p><p>[Daichi!!!!]</p><p>[help ):]</p><p>Daichi:</p><p>[hey shouyou, whats up?]</p><p>[if ifs crime related i cant help you]</p><p>Shouyou:</p><p>[that was a JOKE!!!]</p><p>Daichi chuckles, making a sad smile with his lips.</p><p>Shouyou:</p><p>[i need advice again… im sorry if im bothering you]</p><p>Daichi:</p><p>[no, it's completely fine! anything for a junior hehe]</p><p>Shouyou:</p><p>[YOURE THE BESTTT \(//∇//)\]</p><p>[well…… its about someone]</p><p>Daichi:</p><p>[guessing its kageyama again?]</p><p>“Oh, Daichi.” </p><p>Daichi looks up from his phone and finds Kageyama at the entrance of the ramen house they're meeting up in.</p><p>“Speak of the devil.” Daichi snickers and waves, “Hello.”</p><p>“Hey. What’d you mean, speak of the devil?” Kageyama opens the door for the older. “Talking about me behind my back?”</p><p>“Something like that.” Daichi kids, and gets in before Kageyama.</p><p>“What-!”</p><p>“Im joking.” Daichi closes his messages and slips his phone into his back pocket. Kageyama caught a glimpse. </p><p>It was Hinata.</p><p>Kageyama frowns, remembering when Daichi mentioned that he texted Hinata every now and then.</p><p>“It’s good that you came! We thought you wouldn't.” Daichi says as he heads to their reserved table. </p><p>“Geez, I'm not that much of a snob.”</p><p>“Uh-huh.”</p><p>“Really!”</p><p>Daichi and Kageyama sit, Tanaka and Sugawara are already there. The two said hi before being handed a menu.</p><p>“Kageyama, what are you up to these days?” Tanaka asked, playing with the pile of chopsticks. </p><p>“Oh you know, nothing much. The team’s resting right now since we have a game soon.” Kageyama opens the menu and looks. “... and I was given time off, so was Ushijima.”</p><p>“That’s good…” Daichi trails off. </p><p>“Are you… planning to continue to play?” Sugawara wearily asks.</p><p>“To be honest, I’m kind of 50-50.”</p><p>“How come?” Tanaka asks.</p><p>“Because he doesn't have a rival anymore.” Daichi answers for Kageyama. He notices that he spoke up, so he covers his mouth. “S-sorry.”</p><p>Kageyama eyes Daichi. <em> How’d he know that? </em></p><p>“It’s fine. But he’s right, Hinata’s one of the reasons why I’m still playing anyway. And… the other 50 is because I just don’t want to leave the team when they trust in me.”</p><p>“I think Shouyou would be happier if you continued playing.” Daichi speaks up again, but this time he doesn't stop himself. “He mentioned to me before, that he wants to watch Kageyama rise to the very top. So, I think if Kageyama stops now, especially because of Shouyou, I think he would be sad.”</p><p>“Sounds about right…” Sugawara purses his lips and looks at Kageyama. “Ahaha--I didn't know you were already on a first name basis with Hinata, Daichi.”</p><p>“Ah. Right.” Daichi laughs it off. “Well, it just caught on.”</p><p>“I agree with Daichi.” Tanaka rests his cheek into his palm. “But it all depends on Kageyama. Whatever makes you happy, thrive.”</p><p>“Yep.”</p><p>Slowly, everyone else starts to arrive. And when they're complete, everyone starts to order and eat. </p><p>It was going smoothly, it wasn't awkward or anything. Everyone was careful of what to say, though there would be times when Tsukishima would be purposely obnoxious towards Kageyama, and every time he did;Yamaguchi or Sugawara would either flick or hit him.</p><p>It’s unclear as to why Tsukishima’s attacking Kageyama while the boy isn't doing anything to threaten him.</p><p>Everyone assumes that it’s just his nature to dispeace Kageyama. Maybe it's unintentional and is just a bad habit.</p><p>But Daichi swears that he would sometimes catch Tsukishima aiming a glare towards Kageyama.</p><p><em> Weird </em>, Daichi thought. There’s surely a lot of things everyone doesn't know.</p><p>“What about you, Kageyama, what’s your most fond memory of Shouyou?” Tsukishima asked, head slightly tilted while viscous eyes darted.</p><p><em> Didn't know Tsukishima called Shouyou by his first, too. </em> </p><p>Kageyama tucks his lips in, not knowing what to say, as he’s starting to get annoyed by Tsukishima.</p><p>The atmosphere drifts to discomfort. At the same time, Yamaguchi and Sugawara lunge their elbows into Tsukishima’s sides.</p><p>“What? Isn't it Kageyama who’s always by Shouyou’s side? Why is it that he’s the one who’s got nothing to say?”</p><p>“Tsuki, Kageyama’s having a hard time talking about him…”</p><p>“Right, leave Kageyama alone, won’t you? Go easy-”</p><p>“Hell no. I’m going hard on him on purpose.” </p><p>“Oi, Tsu-kki!”</p><p>“Fuck it. I'm leaving.”</p><p>Tsukishima rolls his eyes, takes his things and walks off-leaving everyone in a state of shock and confusion.</p><p>“Wait, what just happened?” Asahi rubs his nape, trying his best to process the recent turn of events. “What did he mean, going hard on Kageyama on purpose?”</p><p>“Did you two fight?” Ennoshita follows up.</p><p>“Can't help but notice that he’s especially salty towards Kageyama lately, too.”</p><p>“He’s Saltyshima for a reason…”</p><p>“But he’s doing it in a different sense.”</p><p>“Kageyama.”</p><p>Kageyama is rubbing his brow bones. He does this to calm himself down. Hinata used to do it for him, Hinata isn't around anymore.</p><p>“I don't know what’s up with him. I don't understand either-please don't bombard me with questions I can't answer.”</p><p>“Right… okay, sorry.”</p><p>“Yamaguchi, you aren't going to chase after him?”</p><p>“No, I think he needs his space.”</p><p>Daichi sighed. <em> This is a disaster. </em>From then on, Daichi, Sugawara and Asahi tried to lift up the atmosphere. But it’s already spoilt, and the atmosphere that was going smoothly earlier cannot be brought back.</p><p>“... ah. How is Tsukishima going to pay?”</p><p>“Leave it to me, I’ll just pay for him for now.” Yamaguchi takes out his card.</p><hr/><p>Tsukishima is stomping, and it’s unusual. Because he’s always light on his feet. And he never lets his anger get to him. He knows how to handle annoying things, the urge to break down, especially.</p><p>He’s bothered. and Mad. He hates seeing Kageyama’s face. It ticks him off-even more than before. He hates what Kageyama did to Hinata. </p><p>The very thought of what Kageyama did makes Tsukishima want to throw and drown Kageyama under a bridge-his anger is excessive that it’s childish.</p><p>But no one but himself would understand the emotions he’s feeling.</p><p>“Truly,” Tsukishima stops in his tracks, bringing his hand up to his forehead as he looks at the blue sky. “There is more to this than what meets the eye.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>theres more than what meets the eyes — what do you think tsukki means by this?</p><p>... kageyama, what he did-what do you think it is?</p><p>&gt;&gt;im warning u guys now bc it gets pretty deep from here, but dw bc i'll be putting TWs at the beginning of chapters if there will be things that are... mhm disturbing.<br/>hope you enjoyed reading, have a gudt day! ✨😔</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Surrounding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The feeling of worry builds itself up. However, Akaashi tries to dismiss it because he trusts that his boyfriend will never do anything stupid.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>im trying to slow down the process bc im not sure about what im going to do with kageyama, but imma say it now-trigger warnings may apply in the next chapters.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “Shou, who’s the reason behind yer stupid smile?” Atsumu asked, eyeing the short ginger as he leaned towards the wall with his arms folded together. He tried to peek at Hinata’s phone, but the boy turned away. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “No one!” Hinata lies, his smile only growing. His cheeks reddened a little and he was light on his feet-the boy was jumpy-and Atsumu was so curious about who he was talking to, or what he was reading. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hey, I thought no secrets?” Atsumu frowned, and Hinata pouts. “Who ya’ talking to?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Kageyama.” Hinata answers, his deep hazel eyes going back to the screen of his phone. “We’re talking again, we made up.” Hinata’s pout dissolves, and his lips return to a smile. “Didn't want to tell you because you might grow jealous.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The last part was a joke. Atsumu knows that. Hinata meant it as a joke. But it’s true, Atsumu knows it’s better for him not to know because he is jealous and he gets jealous quite easily. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Oh. Okay.” Atsumu shifts from the wall and stands right up, “I’m? Happy you two made up.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> There’s bitterness at the back of Atsumu’s throat but he chooses to ignore it. He doesn't want to spoil the light mood Hinata’s in. He hasn't been like this for a while. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Atsumu hates Kageyama for that. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yes!” Hinata sighs, but it wasn't a sad sigh or anything. More of a sigh of relief. “I honestly didn't think we’d make up… he texted first, I mean-what a surprise.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I guess that means you mean so much to him.” Atsumu states, the bitterness starting to become more heavy and strong. He said that only to make Hinata happier. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> If anything, Atsumu thinks that Kageyama treats Hinata as trash. Like he isn't worth anything. He starts arguments with Hinata a lot, even for the dumbest and simplest of reasons. Kageyama is prideful-and his relationship with Hinata is downright toxic. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Atsumu doesn't know why Hinata’s so attached to Kageyama, and how he can bear Kageyama’s bullying and manipulation. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Atsumu hates Kageyama more than literally anything. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It’s obvious how Kageyama himself is what Hinata’s personality is based upon. Hinata can't hide anything, if he’s sad that means he fought with Kageyama. If he’s happy, that means the two are all right. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Everything Kageyama does has an effect on Hinata. Kageyama knows and doesn't know this. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hey, hey, we should eat out.” Hinata told Atsumu, eyes unwavering from his mobile phone. “I'm hungry.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Sure, Shou. What’d ya’ want?”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Anything!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Just like that, Hinata’s appetite is back. He hasn't been eating in a while. Because of what else? Kageyama and him weren't on the best of terms recently.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Then, something heavy. Should I call Bokuto and Sakusa?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yes, please!” </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Atsumu opens his eyes, and the first thing he feels is his absolute hate for Kageyama.</p><p>And the first thing he notices, however, with his eyes, is the moving car lights that came from outside. It was bright and blinding, so he rolled in his bed and covered his eyes. Right after, he hears a familiar sound of an automobile horn.</p><p>By the sound it made, Atsumu knew that it was Osamu. Still, he didn't get up. He didn't want to be bothered now, especially when his dreams are still lingering at the back of his consciousness.</p><p>The doorbell rings twice, followed by the creaking of the front door opening. Atsumu groaned, taking and pulling his blankets up and over his head.</p><p>Soon, the door to his room is opened. He hears his brother sigh and mumble something, he doesn't understand or hear well. But he doesn't pay attention to it.</p><p>“Atsumu.” Atsumu hears clearly.</p><p>Again, he pays no attention to his twin brother.</p><p>“How long… are you going to be like this?”</p><p>Footsteps approached, then Atsumu felt the end of the bed sinking. Osamu’s voice was suddenly clearer.</p><p>“I'm not saying that it’s wrong to mourn, but for this long? And you haven't been taking care of yourself.”</p><p>“Sakusa called, said that you missed practice today.”</p><p>“Do you think Hinata would be happy if you keep on missing practices like this?”</p><p>Atsumu bites his bottom lip and feels pinballs falling down the sides of his head.</p><p>“Please don't talk about him.” Atsumu begs, voice quiet and croaky. “Don't use him to bring me back to my feet.”</p><p>“Sorry…”</p><p>“Leave me alone, Samu.” Atsumu faces the other side. “I really want to be alone now.”</p><p>For a few seconds, Osamu is silent. Atsumu knows his brother is watching-like a vulture-so Atsumu stays still.</p><p>“Fine. You need a shower, by the way.” Osamu stands from the bed and walks back to the door. “Bought you food, I put it on the table. Eat, okay? You're so thin already.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>“See ya’.”</p><p>“Mn.”</p><p>Like that, Osamu is on his way. Atsumu hears the engine from his room, and the screeching of tires. Once he knows his brother is gone and away, Atsumu sits up.</p><p>“Do I really smell that bad?” Atsumu looks down on himself. He sighs, then gets up to take a shower. When done, he decides to check on the food Osamu brought.</p><p>He looks at the contents, there’s cup noodles and instant coffee. In another plastic is take out sushi and a fresh salad.</p><p>“Yikes.” Atsumu grits his teeth in an awkward way. <em> It's obvious, </em>he thought. Shugo asked Osamu to buy this. Shogo is the one to watch over his team’s health, he’s always ordering the boys around to eat more leaf and less meat. Everyone’s diet is so unbalanced!</p><p>“Let’s eat.” Atsumu says out of habit. Atsumu takes out the salad and sushi and opened them. He sat down and took the chopsticks, taking one piece of the sushi roll and throwing it into his mouth. </p><p>While chewing he goes back to his shared bedroom to get his phone. He messages in the MSBY groupchat on the way to the dining room to get another piece of sushi.</p><p>Miya Atsumu:</p><p>[hey captain. thank you for the food]</p><p>Meian Shugo:</p><p>[good! youre welcome. eat a lot.]</p><p>Kotaro Bokuto:</p><p>[😔😔😔]</p><p>Meian Shugo:</p><p>[what is it, Bokuto?]</p><p>Kotaro Bokuto: </p><p>[wish capn looked after me too ):]</p><p>Meian Shugo:</p><p>[shut up haha]</p><p>Miya Atsumu:</p><p>[eat w me haha]</p><p>Bokuto reads the text, huffing out and dropping his phone to the side. He was relieved to hear that Atsumu’s eating again. <em> About time </em>, he thought with a small smile. He turned to his side and looked over the bed table.</p><p>Beside a lamp is a new picture frame. It’s a group photo of Hinata, Atsumu, Sakusa and Bokuta standing in the middle of the court wearing their MSBY jerseys. Hinata’s smiling so brightly.</p><p>Bokuto sits up and makes his legs drop over the side of the bed, he hears a deep groan so he looks behind him.</p><p>Akaashi is lying next to him, tired and shirtless. There are heavy, dark circles under his eyes and Bokuto feels bad-all Akaashi’s done in the past few weeks is him taking care of Bokuto.</p><p>Bokuto does his best to act chipper around the latter but it’s often difficult because Akaashi knows him too well. Far too well.</p><p>Bokuto inches closer and gently caress</p><p> his boyfriend's cheek. Akaashi hums, still asleep, but he leans into his boyfriend’s touch.</p><p>“Awake?” Bokuto asks, voice soft.</p><p>Slowly, Akaashi opens his eyes. “Am now.”</p><p>“Sorry, I woke you?” Bokuto lays down again and hugs Akaashi, cuddling with him tightly.</p><p>“No, you didn't. I was waiting for you to wake up.” Akaashi keeps his arms close so that Bokuto could get even closer. He closes his eyes, exhaling and just taking in the warmth Bokuto’s body offered.</p><p>“Why?” Bokuto hides his face into Akaashi’s neck and places a single chaste kiss. For a few moments, Bokuto feels his boyfriend quiver and waits for more-because of this Bokuto chuckles. Akaashi clicks his tongue and pinches Bokuto’s skin. “I asked why~”</p><p>“Want to have lunch with you.”</p><p>“Oh? But I'm not hun-”</p><p>“Shut up or I’m going to force feed you.” Bokuto gasps, trying to get back but Akaashi pulls him close. “Please, eat. With me.”</p><p>“Yeah…” Bokuto lets go, “Okay.”</p><p>The two get up, not bothering to get dressed. Bokuto stretched and just draped his robe over, following after Akaashi who was just wearing sweatpants.</p><p>“What woke you up?” Akaashi asked as he pulled the chair and sat. </p><p>Bokuto gets the rice and the food Akaashi cooked earlier, he places them on the table before sitting in front of his boyfriend.</p><p>“Texts from the team.” Bokuto combs his hair that’s already way too long with his fingers. “Atsumu’s eating again.”</p><p>“Oh! That’s good news.”</p><p>Why did they talk like that? Like it wasn't normal for Atsumu to be eating.</p><p>“Okay. Now, you, eat.” Akaashi prepares his boyfriend's bowl and puts in a lot. “Eat a lot. Okay? Please.”</p><p>“Akaashi…” Bokuto feels his stomach churn, but not in a way that means something like ‘I want food’ but more of a ‘get it out of my sight’. “I’m not very hungry.”</p><p>“Come on. You haven't eaten a proper meal since…” Akaashi averts his gaze. “Please, just this once. For me?”</p><p>“Okay. I’ll… eat a little.”</p><p>“Great.” Akaashi smiles, taking a spoonful from Bokuto’s bowl and bringing it up to his boyfriend’s lips.</p><p>“Hey, you..” Bokuto’s cheeks redden a little, “You don't have to feed me. I’ll eat it myself. Thank you.”</p><p>Bokuto was about to take the spoon from Akaashi when he pulled it back and shook his head. “You're going to end up poking the food.”</p><p>“But…”</p><p>“No.” </p><p>Akaashi feeds Bokuto, the boy sighed before he took the spoon into his mouth. They continued this until Bokuto’s food was finished. After feeding his boyfriend, Akaashi starts to eat his own.</p><p>“Continue this. You've become so thin already.”</p><p>“I’ll… try…”</p><p>Bokuto watches his boyfriend eat, and once he notices, he chews his food quickly in order to swallow. He wipes Bokuto’s lip with his thumb and give him a small smile. “Go back to the room, I’ll clean up.”</p><p>“Is it okay?”</p><p>“Of course. Love you, baby.”</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>Bokuto stands up from the table and heads back to the room. He closes the door behind him, and he touches his throat.</p><p>He feels like throwing up, so he swallows his saliva and looks up. There’s a growing guilt in the pit of his stomach, he knows that all he’s been to Akaashi is a burden. He leans his back on the door and slowly slides down, embracing thin legs as his butt meets the floor.</p><p>“I can't help it.” He whispered to himself, closing his eyes.</p><p>The image he sees with his eyes closed is a smiling Hinata. He never thought he’d grow so much attached to that boy. But it wasn't shocking, Hinata was a magnet. And the path he walked was a warm one. One with light always shining on it, with incredible friends, a supportive family, and with a career blowing up… and yet…</p><p>And yet… how did things lead to this kind of end?</p><p><em> Where in the world did he fuck up to deserve this? </em>, Bokuto thought. His embrace tightened as he buried his head into his knees. </p><p>Bokuto never expected to grieve for someone at such a young age. And for someone even younger. He never thought that bereavement felt so unreal. It was suffocating, it pushed Bokuto to look back on the things he did, even though he knew to himself that he was always kind to Hinata. It pushed Bokuto to rethink, to reminisce, and all that took his never ending appetite from him.</p><p>“Grieving is the worst.”</p><p>“I don't want to go through this again.”</p><p>“Ever.”</p><p>Akaashi knocks on the door. He knows what his boyfriend's doing, there’s a shadow in the middle of the space in the bottom of the door.</p><p>As much as Akaashi wants to give Bokuto space and time, he can’t just leave him alone to think the worst. He knows how his boyfriend thinks. There are times when he’s extremely negative. As many of his friends know already-lately it’s just become so extreme.</p><p>Before, Bokuto would just sulk and stay quiet.</p><p>Now, there would be times when he would break down in the middle of it. </p><p>He would sometimes suddenly start to hyperventilate.</p><p>He would bolt to the comfort room to vomit despite the fact that his stomach is empty.</p><p>Grief wasn't unfamiliar to Akaashi. But the grief Bokuto is experiencing? Never. And he wishes that it stays like that. </p><p>He doesn't get a response, so he rests his head on the door frame. “Kotaro…” he called gently and huffed. “Open the door…”</p><p>Still no response.</p><p>The feeling of worry builds itself up. However, Akaashi tries to dismiss it because he trusts that his boyfriend will never do anything stupid.</p><p>“I’ll be in the other room, okay? Get some rest.”</p><p>Akaashi walked to Bokuto’s room and got in. He coughs, it’s dusty. Bokuto hasn't come in here since that day. He doesn't have the strength to do so. His room is too full of pictures. Of Hinata, black jackals, and those days in high school.</p><p>He looks around, seeing Hinata’s face everywhere leaves him with a bitter taste in the tongue. He isn't… wasn't… really close with Hinata. But the pain is there. Despite the fact that they didn't hang around each other a lot, it was nice to be around Hinata. He was a ball of addictive sunshine. Akaashi completely understands why many of his friends are so… down… He just hopes everyone has someone to take care of them, like Bokuto. Or Atsumu. Akaashi looks down, he’s sure Tsukishima has Yamaguchi to take care of him. Kageyama… he doesn't want to think about it.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hope u enjoyed</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Beg</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Anyway, who could keep the moon from the sun?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“(6/1) <em> Today! I was out with Kei :&gt; </em> ” Kageyama read first, he’s a few pages in. And he might have an idea about how Hinata felt. With all his rambles and scribbles. The writing continued, “ <em> We practiced a little then ate outside. After he invited me over to play video games! Kei’s become so cool hehe! </em>”</p><p><em>Huh.</em> <em>So they're suddenly close? </em></p><p>“... <em> I'm happy he’s here for me. Diary, I don’t want to tell you a few things because I'm afraid someone might read you and end up knowing things I don't want to be known. I've… told Kei a few things. I don't regret it. I’m happy he still accepts me… but the other party, he’s… </em>”</p><p>“<em> He told me his view of the other party’s changed. And that he wants to throw them into the trash can. </em>”</p><p>“<em> I can't blame Kei for what he’s feeling. I didn't expect him to react like this. He was furious after I told him everything. </em>”</p><p>“<em> He told me that he’ll protect me from now on. How sweet is that? haha i didn't think Kei could be cute. (////) </em>”</p><p>“<em> anyway… kageyama. </em>”</p><p>“<em> I'm sure kageyama doesn't remember anything. so thats why i should act like nothing happened.” </em></p><p><em> “i love kei for being here for me. daichi, too. and atsumu. </em>”</p><p>“<em> i dont know what id do, or where id be if it weren't for them. </em>”</p><p>Kageyama closed his eyes. <em> Whatever does he mean by that? </em>Every now and then, Hinata would write things like that. About him. Kageyama doesn't understand it. Hinata’s saying something and isn't leaving any clues, he says that there’s something Kageyama did. And it broke him. And Kageyama doesn't remember.</p><p>“What the fuck.” Kageyama groans, smashing his face into the textbook. “Daichi knows. Tsukishima knows. Atsumu knows. Kenma knows.” He pulls the book down, before his eyes. “Should I ask them?”</p><p>He feels like he’s going to get punched if he does.</p><p>Regardless of that, he wants to. He needs to. He needs to know whatever it is he did, why it affected Hinata so much. Why it drove Hinata into becoming like <em> this. </em></p><p>“<em> The four have been especially careful around me. </em>”</p><p>“<em> Especially Daichi. He’s so careful with his words. Sometimes it takes a while for him to talk again because he’s thinking about what to say carefully. It’s obvious that things have changed. I cant blame them, they just worry about me. however, no matter how lightly they put it, i hope theyd stop calling kageyama a criminal. he’s not. </em>”</p><p>“<em> right?” </em></p><p>“<em> i dont know.” </em></p><p>“A criminal? What did I do…”  Kageyama finishes the entry, putting the notebook down as he’s had enough. Nothing makes sense. </p><p>He lies down, grabbing his blanket and draping it over his legs. He gets his phone from under his pillow, unlocks it and scrolls through his notifications. There’s a few new messages from the former Karasuno group chat. The one Hinata’s still in.</p><p>[9/10]</p><p>Suga:</p><p>[guys! are any of you free today?]</p><p>Ryu:</p><p>[what’s up?]</p><p>Suga:</p><p>[my classes were canceled and i just want to eat with you guys haha]</p><p>Ace:</p><p>[im free!]</p><p>Noya:</p><p>[You always are 🙄]</p><p>Ace:</p><p>[hahaha]</p><p>Suga: </p><p>[nice! anyone else?]</p><p>Best Libero:</p><p>[tsukki and i!]</p><p>Deceased: </p><p>[im on break rn so im free, kinda]</p><p>Saltyshima:</p><p>[ugh.]</p><p>Deceased:</p><p>[come on tsukishima!]</p><p>Saltyshima:</p><p>[fine.]</p><p>Tanaka: </p><p>[im going. where are we meeting up? im going to ask Kiyoko]</p><p>Ennoshita:</p><p>[i cant make it, busy today. have fun!]</p><p>Suga:</p><p>[ok, u too Ennoshita. lets get pasta! there’s a new italian restaurant near my school. i’ll send the loc and lets meet there in thirty?]</p><p>(All):</p><p>[ok]</p><p>[See you]</p><p>[have a safe trip, everyone]</p><p>Noya:</p><p>[have fun 😗]</p><p>Ace:</p><p>[we miss you!]</p><p>Noya:</p><p>[whatever lol]</p><p>Kageyama checks the time, it's been almost 20 minutes since the last text. With his phone still in hand, he stares at the ceiling. Sunlight spills through the small spaces in between silk curtains. <em> Should I go? </em></p><p>It's a chance to ask Daichi or Tsukishima.</p><p>
  <em> Will I make it in time? </em>
</p><p>Kageyama sighs. Then his phone vibrates. His eyes return to the screen.</p><p>Deceased:</p><p>[kageyama. are you coming?]</p><p>Kageyama thinks for a little. </p><p>The King:</p><p>[if its okay.]</p><p>Suga:</p><p>[of course. youre always welcome]</p><p>Saltyshima:</p><p>[is he? lol]</p><p>Deceased:</p><p>[hush now. we’ll see you in a bit! im near btw]</p><p>Suga: </p><p>[im here already 😌]</p><p>Deceased:</p><p>[good.]</p><p>Kageyama gets up, ignoring Tsukishima’s text as he replies saying that he’s going to get ready. He washes up quickly and just wore a plain white tee and jeans. He brought his phone and wallet, then left home to go to the italian restaurant Sugawara talked about.</p><p>He goes without a plan. He doesn't know what to do yet.</p><p>Should he ask? If he will, how? And once he knows, what will he do?</p><p>He takes slow and small steady steps, thoughts drift, he asks himself questions, he tries to remember. It’s all blank.</p><p>“Damn.” He clicks his tongue. “I don't have dementia or anything, right?”</p><p>He hopes not, but thinks about getting a check up. Without realizing, he arrives at his destination. He finds out because his phone buzzes, telling him that he’s on the sent location. He looks inside before entering. He finds Sugawara waving at him from inside. He walks in, telling the person at the entrance that his friends are inside.</p><p>The lady smiles and welcomes him, handing him a menu before letting him proceed.</p><p>Everyone’s there already. Most of them say hi, Kageyama just smiles and lowered his head a little before sitting down in the last vacant seat.</p><p>“Check the menu so we can order.” Sugawara says, taking a sip from his water. “Glad you could make it! Thought you were sleeping.”</p><p>“Sorry. I was busy.”</p><p>“What were you up to?” Tanaka asks, tapping his finger on the menu’s cover out of habit. “We haven't heard from you since last time. Are you okay?”</p><p>“Yes. Thank you for asking.” Kageyama laughs, just because. He opens the menu and scans the different meals and appetizers. He just went with whatever was healthy and lemonade. </p><p>They all ordered and waited. Talking in the process.</p><p>“Daichi, how’s work?” Asahi asks, fixing his bun. “Is it busy?”</p><p>“Most of the time.” Daichi lets out an exhausted sigh, planting his elbow on the table to rest his chin on his palm. “Sometimes it’s hectic, sometimes it’s quiet.”</p><p>“Do you enjoy it?”</p><p>“Yeah. But of course I enjoy volleyball more.”</p><p>“Naturally.”</p><p>They all chuckle and catch up. Tsukishima and Kageyama are the only ones quiet, Daichi notices this and does his best to not let anyone notice. </p><p>Inside he’s a little panicked. He feels that, sooner or later, Tsukishima’s going to start something. He knows that Tsukishima knows, that he knows way more than himself. After all, it was them who met up more. It’s difficult for Daichi and Hinata to meet. Schedules don't align. </p><p>Anyway, who could keep the moon from the sun?</p><p>Daichi noticed before that Tsukishima tends to follow Hinata around after being told about the incident. Like a knight, or a bodyguard. </p><p>Or the moon. Always in and out of the sun’s circle.</p><p>It’s almost adorable, how Tsukishima changed around Hinata. He’s become more expressive. He worries a lot, he checks on Hinata often and even travels from his dorm to Hinata’s just so that they could play and/or practice volleyball.</p><p>Daichi wishes he could have done the same.</p><p>Yamaguchi finally notices and with a straight face, he hits his salty long time friend with his elbow. Then he whispered, “Get it together, Tsukki.”</p><p>Tsukishima rolled his eyes, twisting a small portion of his pasta with his fork and putting it into his mouth. He chewed, slowly, doing his best not to spit the contents in his mouth towards the other quiet boy.</p><p>He swallowed. Succeeding. Until everyone's done eating. The others leave first because they have things to do. Sugawara went back to his school, Tanaka had to go get groceries, Yamaguchi had classes, Asahi had to meet up with some friends.</p><p>Outside, Daichi, Tsukishima and Kageyama stood. Daichi eyed the two, thinking of what to say. He needed to say something that would calm Tsukishima down, and something to assure Kageyama of something. Just, something. Daichi doesn't know what to say to him now that there’s no one else around.</p><p>“I don't want to stay with someone with the likes of him.” Tsukishima said with his usual tone, pushing his glasses up and putting his earphones on. “I have practice later. But, Daichi, I want to talk to you about something.”</p><p>Tsukishima is the first to talk, it takes Daichi by surprise, but only for a little bit. He can't blame Tsukishima for being like this. And he’s just being himself. His usual honest self.</p><p>The unbothered Tsukishima has ceased to exist.</p><p>“What about?” Daichi asked, clearing his throat. This didn't feel good. He already knows what it’s about.</p><p>“Shouyou. Let’s go.” Tsukishima walks off, not bothering to bat an eye or even a simple wave towards Kageyama.</p><p>“Uh, right.” Daichi grips Kageyama’s shoulder, “I’ll see you around, Kageyama.”</p><p>Daichi follows behind Tsukishima, sighing inwardly. The blonde walked quickly, like he was being chased. But it was obvious that the reason behind this is that he just doesn't want to breathe the same air as the raven’s.</p><p>“Hey. What’s with you?” Daichi catches up, grabbing Tsukishima’s arm. “Where are we headed?”</p><p>“Anywhere. Just far from that piece of shit.”</p><p>“Jesus, Tsukishima.”</p><p>“You know I can't help it.”</p><p>“At least we’ve confirmed that he really doesn't remember anything.”</p><p>“It was a drunken act. Of course, he doesn't remember.” Tsukishima combs his hair up, “He can't even remember what he had for breakfast, what more if it’s something he’s intoxicated.”</p><p>“Mercy.” Daichi says first and is about to speak again, but is cut off by Kageyama, who suddenly pulls the two by their arms.</p><p>“The fuck-!” Tsukishima shoves the hand off, shooting a dreadful glare towards Kageyama.</p><p>“Tell me!” Kageyama grips Daichi’s arm, face lowering and voice pitching. “Tell me what it is I did!”</p><p>“What the actual fuck.”</p><p>“Kageyama,” Daichi tries to remove Kageyama’s hold, but he’s only held tighter. “C-calm down.”</p><p>“Tell me!”</p><p>Tsukishima stepped forward, and right now-he wanted to kick and throw Kageyama into the nearest river. Instead, he pulled the boy’s collar up, so that he could see him eye to eye. “Figure it out yourself, dick.”</p><p>He decides to land a punch. The force drives Kageyama away, so Tsukishima just lets go of the boy’s collar. He clicks his tongue, wiping his hands on his jeans as if it got dirty because of touching Kageyama. Like he’s a disease of some sort. </p><p>“Tsukishima, calm down! Damn.” Daichi gives Kageyama a helping hand, he gets the boy back up and lets go. “Kageyama, not the perfect time.”</p><p>“What do you mean, not the perfect time? Does the perfect time even exist?”<br/>“It doesn’t, fuck you. Get out of my  sight.” </p><p>Tsukishima starts to walk away, Daichi chases after him, giving a half meant apology to Kageyama before doing so. Kageyama watches the two walk away and slowly blur into the background, along with the space up ahead. Kageyama squints, holding his head. </p><p>“What is it that I did to make you two hate me so much?”</p><p>Honestly, Kageyama couldn’t care less if Tsukishima suddenly disappeared from his life. But the way they’re acting, and knowing that he did something wrong… Kageyama doesn’t know how to explain what he’s feeling but he knows he has to fix it. He has to find out, and apologize to everyone. If he finds out that Hinata died because of him…;</p><p>He doesn’t know what’ll happen. He doesn’t want to know. But he’s sure he’s going to end up disposing of himself, as well.</p><p>Fuck, despite that-he chases after the two again.</p><p>“Hey! Wait!”</p><p>The two don’t stop walking, nor bat an eye. Kageyama feels so small.</p><p>“Daichi, please tell me.”</p><p>“Please?”</p><p>“I’m begging you, please tell me what I did wrong and I’ll try to fix it!”</p><p>Tsukishima stops in his tracks, finally turning. Daichi holds the boy’s hand to keep him from lashing out again. Tsukishima’s face has gone all red, because of all the anger he’s holding in. The blonde takes deep breaths, massaging his temple with his free hand.</p><p>“Look, you fuck, there’s nothing you can do. Fix? Bullshit. He’s dead.”</p><p>“Am I the cause… of his…?”</p><p>“Damn right.”</p><p>“Tell me. What I did.” Kageyama got on his knees, head lowered. “Tell me what I don’t remember.”</p><p>“No. Live like this, suffer.”</p><p>“Tsukishima…”</p><p>“Shouyou… might have forgiven you.” Tsukishima bites his lip, balling his hand into a fist. “God may have forgiven you. With all these blessings you’re getting. God probably <em> has </em>forgiven you.”</p><p>“... what are you saying…?”</p><p>“But I won’t. I hope you rot in hell.”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry if u think its cut short? i feel like if i didnt post it now i wouldnt be able to in a while. im staying @ the hospital so i doubt that i can be active for a while :^ notthatanyonewouldwaitformychsthobutyessir have a good day! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Greetings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Not everyone in the squad knows. They keep the sin a secret, mainly because they don't want anyone else carrying the burden to know the reason why Hinata gave his life up.<br/>And, it scares them that some might take it the wrong way and end up doing what the three are so desperately trying to keep from doing.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>today wasn't very busy after all, didnt do a lot at the hospi. this ch is a filler, just to let you guys know about who knows about what and who doesnt know about what.<br/>some insight, too.<br/>imma be real w yall. it gets dark from this point on. so if you cant deal w anything too serious, please, this is your warning to drop this book and read another story.<br/>&gt;THERE WILL BE MORE WARNINGS IN THE FOLLOWING CHAPTERS, please be aware</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“(6/24)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>it was one am when you suddenly called me out to go out and drink with you. you sounded so sad, and it was obvious from your voice that you've been crying. You said that you wanted to get drunk and drink until late afternoon, and it being you-how could I refuse? Sure, it was rare for me to go out at this time and especially when I already went to sleep... but... youre just one of the very few exceptions. You said,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>[Sorry, did I wake you? I know im stupid for calling you this early...]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I said that it was okay, since i didnt have practice later, and that being with you didnt bother me. if anything, i like your company the best. You chuckled at my remark, and I never wished so badly for something—I wish I saw you right then and there, I wish I saw how you smiled, or how your cheeks would redden like usual.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I met up with you later on at your home, you reeked of alcohol. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You were sad for some unknown reason. You wouldn't tell me no matter how much I asked, but I kinda got an idea that it was because of me. Im not assuming fuck tho</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You looked like a kid who didn't get their toy, or who missed their parents so badly. I dont know which, but.. yeah...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You fell asleep in 2 hours, and I couldn't help but feel bad. You said you were going to drink until the afternoon, what happened to that? Huh?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>... whatever. It was a complete hassle, cleaning over you. The empty beer cans and bottles of alcohol-, the bags of chips and crumbs lying everywhere... you're so messy! but, i dont mind. if this is how you're going to get better or heal-i dont mind. i hope you get back on your feet soon.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hope the next person you fall in love with wont do this to you. Or better yet, just dont fall in love with anyone...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I want to be selfish with you, or when it comes to you, even when we're just friends. But I'm fine. Like this, I'll take care of you as much as I can. And I'll guide you, and I'll protect you. I'll give you everything you need... just be happy, hm?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>even when i belong to someone else… you know, a part of me will always belong to you. ill always love u, stupidyama.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You didnt pull any fuckery today. thats good. :)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>atsumu’s against me meeting with you, especially when you're drinking. i understand how he feels. im stupid myself, i cant help but meet you even after all the pain you made me go thru. Im a fool, no? a fool for kageyama tobio”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well… fuck…” Kageyama held his head, focusing on the last line written on the page. He remembers that day. Hinata was right. It </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>because of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama remembers being miserable because Atsumu finally made a move on Hinata, and that they're sort of going out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn't know why he called, Hinata was on speed dial, for one, and the boy was the only think in his mind, two, and three, he just wanted to see Hinata so badly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was actually surprised that the boy agreed. And stayed until Kageyama woke up. That smile… his beautiful eyes…</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>[6/24 — the afternoon at Kageyama’s place]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you're awake?” Kageyama faintly hears from his side. He tried to turn his head to look, but couldn't because his head was heavy and throbbing. He squeezed his lids closed, unwelcoming the light that met with his eyes. He cursed inwardly, regretting all those dumb decisions he made just a few hours ago. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I shouldn't have chugged all that beer…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He covers his face with his hand, but leaves spaces in between his fingers so that he could finally turn and look at the person beside him. For a second, he wondered who it was, until he realized that there could only be one person that’s by his side right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata. Their eyes meet, and Hinata’s expression is a little bitter. But despite that, he’s glowing. He’s standing there, literally, just standing there… and yet, he looks so stunning. The sunlight that spilled through the curtains complimented his features, making him look even more ethereal. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Right here and now, Kageyama feels blessed. But at the same time, cursed. He wishes that he could stop time, because seeing Hinata here, like this, he could never get tired of it. Ever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You're still here?” Kageyama asks, massaging his temples.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kageyama, you really need to stop drinking.” Hinata sighed, eyes on his phone. He was typing away and Kageyama was wondering who it was he was talking with, or what he was doing. It was probably Atsumu… </span>
  <em>
    <span>that bastard.</span>
  </em>
  <span> The reason why Kageyama drank all that alcohol yesterday was because… Hinata’s… Atsumu… Kageyama has a hard time accepting it, but Atsumu finally asked Hinata out. He just can't think that Hinata’s moved on from him, that he’s happy because of someone else, and that the smile on his face isn't caused by Kageyama, but caused by someone else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thought alone makes Kageyama groan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This makes Hinata look, he puts his phone down on the desk and walks towards Kageyama. He keeps his space, as if careful of something, he reaches for Kageyama’s forehead to check if there’s a fever. It isn't likely, but he just wanted to make sure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My head’s killing me.” Kageyama makes an excuse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don't have a fever, it’s just hang over.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The hand against Kageyama’s forehead is cold. It’s comforting, like a cool towel. Kageyama wants to lean into it, and he does his best not to. Thankfully, Hinata withdraws his hand before Kageyama does anything he’ll regret. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata takes Kageyama’s arm and helps him sit up, with his other hand, he fixes the pillows so that Kageyama could lean on them comfortably while sitting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait here, I made hangover soup. Eat that, then take the meds I placed on your bedside table. They're just painkillers and vitamins, it’s been raining a lot, so watch over yourself.” Hinata said, trailing off as he walked out of the room. His voice became fainter and fainted every second that went by.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He returns with a tray that had a bowl of the hangover soup he made, utensils and a glass of cold water. He hands it to Kageyama, and the boy accepts it carefully.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s still keeping his space. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It reminds Kageyama of recent days, or weeks. Every time they would see each other at the court or anywhere, Hinata would always seem to be avoiding him. Kageyama assumes that he’s just overthinking it, because if it were to be true-Hinata wouldn't be standing here, caring for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Finish that, okay?” Hinata gets his phone from the table, typing away again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, thanks.” Kageyama takes a spoonful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The meds there, don’t forget them. I had Atsumu pick them up because I don't know where your medicines are put.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bathroom drawer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right.” Hinata pauses, disregarding the info. “I need to go now because Atsumu’s taking me somewhere.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don't go. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Give him my thanks, you two have fun… sorry for making you take care of me, Hinata.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nothing.” Hinata smiles, getting his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. “Anyway, see you. Take care.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Thanks again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata smiles and pats Kageyama’s head. Then he turns, </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t go, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and starts to walk away. Kageyama watches Hinata and his eyes stay on the doorframe until he hears the front door’s click.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I said don’t go…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>[Present]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu’s in his car, waiting for Sakusa. He’s tapping his fingers on the wheel impatiently, he’s anxious. He doesn't know why. He’s uncomfortable with driving now. It’s stupid, because it has nothing to do with Hinata, but then, driving reminds Atsumu of Hinata. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Everything</span>
  </em>
  <span>, reminds Atsumu of Hinata.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few moments pass until Atsumu hears a knock on his window, he looks, and finds Sakusa bending to peek. Atsumu quickly unlocks the door and apologizes for spacing out. Sakusa says he doesn't mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two look like shit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So…” Atsumu stalls, not wanting to drive yet. His leg’s bouncing, Sakusa notices it and doesn't say a word so that he wouldn't pressure Atsumu. He knows way too well about how Atsumu’s doing, he’s the worst in dealing with Hinata’s death. He can see that, and he’s annoyed by it. It shouldn't be him, it should be…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sakusa sighs, leaning his temple on the side window, his long fluffy hair acting as a pillow in between the space of the glass and his own skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm sorry.” Atsumu apologizes again. “Let me just…” He exhales shakily. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck, fuck, okay.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn't mind showing this side to Sakusa. Of course, over the years, an unbreakable bond is buildt between the two. Atsumu leans into the wheel, trying to calm down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do the 5 things. The one Hinata taught us.” Sakusa says, closing his eyes because he couldn't bear seeing Atsumu like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“5 things… Right. Right. Yeah, I can d.. do that.” Atsumu’s hands are shaking, he tries to stop it. He exhales again, trying to calm down. </span>
  <em>
    <span>5 things. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“H… how did it go again? In order.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“5 things you can see.” Sakusa starts, “4 things you can feel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“3 things you can hear.” Atsumu continues, “2 things you can smell.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And one thing you can taste.” Sakusa finishes. “Now, do it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y.. yeah, okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu did the things in order, minding his own space. Little did he know that Sakusa was doing the same. Well, Sakusa was way better at hiding his emotions than Atsumu. He’s just… </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> kind of guy.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I can see Sakusa sitting beside me, the tree branches dancing with the wind, the leaves that fall from those very trees, and the children running around in the near playground.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I can feel my hand on the wheel, and how shaky it is. My breath on my upper lip, and the cold air coming from the air conditioning.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I can hear the quiet burring of the car engine, the tapping of my foot, and the indistinguishable noise coming from outside.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I can smell… the lemon scented air freshener given to me as a gift from Bokuto, and his own casual scented cologne.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And lastly… I can still taste the vague taste of coffee from this morning.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu looks up, his hands that trembled are starting to calm down. He exhaled again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Done, I think I’m okay.” Atsumu tries to smile and turns to look at Sakusa. Sakusa’s covering his face with his hand. “... are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sakusa doesn't say a word, he just nods and waves his hand a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I won't pry. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Should I start driving?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sakusa nods again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Put your seatbelt on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sakusa nods, yet again. He puts his seatbelt on with his other hand. Atsumu watches, and he bites his lip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sakusa must have it pretty hard, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit. I haven't even asked how he is. But… not now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu faces forward and starts driving, he tries his very best to keep a clear mind. Today, he’s going to meet up with Bokuto, Tsukishima, Kenma and Kuroo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The six of them met often because of Hinata. Kuroo started to tag along because of Kenma and Bokuto, until he was welcomed and was officially part of the squad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Squad? Would they call it that? To Hinata, it was family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To the others, they were just coming for the sake of taking care of Hinata, or watching over Hinata.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, there are those who tag along mainly because it was fun to be around Hinata.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few minutes and feeling a few stops and turns, Sakusa gets a grip. He can't let his emotions get to him, especially when he’s meeting with the others. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I've got to stay strong.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>“We should have Daichi imprison Kageyama.” Tsukishima says, sipping from his iced coffee like saying something like that was completely normal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can't do that, Kei.” Atsumu answers, hand carrying his chin. “We don't have proof or anything and… Shou said it himself, he doesn't want Kageyama getting into any trouble.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking bullshit.” Kenma mutters while playing his PSP. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I want to do it. If we want to send him to prison, he has to confess. He doesn't even remember what he did.” Atsumu sighs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then we make him remember.” Tsukishima shoots Atsumu a serious stare, Atsumu stares back with the same expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can't.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not-?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hush now. The others are coming.” Kenma warns.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not everyone in the squad knows. They keep the sin a secret, mainly because they don't want anyone else carrying the burden to know the reason why Hinata gave his life up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, it scares them that some might take it the wrong way and end up doing what the three are so desperately trying to keep from doing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Especially Bokuto. They can never </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> let him know what really happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It scares them that he would be the one to do it all, without any second thoughts. Everyone knows how much Bokuto cares for Hinata, he treats Hinata like his own little brother. Of course, Hinata </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>his disciple.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu fears that if Sakusa finds out, (which he already does) Sakusa would completely lose his cool. And Atsumu isn't ready for that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma doesn't plan on telling anyone because he solely places the blame on himself. Because he couldn't help Hinata even though he knew to himself that he was capable of helping. He is reminded of that everyday, and it tears him continuously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey! We’re back.” Kuroo greets, placing a tray of different drinks and sweets on their shared table. Bokuto and Sakusa follow behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What were you guys talking about? There’s this weird tension…” Bokuto notices, sitting next to Tsukishima and getting his caramel frappe from the tray.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You got something sweet? That’s unusual.” Tsukishima looks at Bokuto’s drink, ignoring what the boy said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... yeah. It.. it calms me down. The sweetness of it, I mean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand, Bokkun.” Atsumu smiles the noticeable tension off. “Anyway. How’s everyone doing? … any better?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… still a little shaken, but I think Shou wouldn't be happy if we were stuck on him for too long. So I’m doing a lot better.” Kuroo admits. The three ignore what he just said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about Sakusa?” Bokuto asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sakusa shrugs, adjusting his surgical mask. “I’m not one to worry about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Yeah, right.’</span>
  </em>
  <span> Atsumu thinks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kenma?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma doesn't answer, and that’s normal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Bokkun?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A little better, I guess. Keiji’s taking care of me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, you're all skin and bones.” Kuroo points out. That was stupid of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto averts his gaze, fixing his coat to cover himself up. “I know…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So am I. So what?” Atsumu tries to take Bokuto’s anxiety away by throwing the attention to himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. Sorry.” Kuroo scratches the back of his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey. No need to get on each other’s nerves.” Sakusa pats Atsumu’s back. “Tsukishima, what about you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I've been better.” Tsukishima lies. “Atsumu?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well. As one can see. I'm not my best, but I'm trying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss Shouyou.” Bokuto grips his plastic cup.</span>
</p><p>"... we all do."<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the 5 things i mentioned in this chapter is a good exercise for people who have breakdowns or panic attacks. its something i learned from my bestfriend and i just wanted to add a little depth to the bond sakusa and atsuma shares.<br/>i do it when i get the stuff and it helps a lot. so if you have any breakdowns or panic attacks, try doing the 5 things activity and maybe it could help you calm down. :)</p><p>i love you! have a good day</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Money can't buy you happiness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>insight about how kenma's coping. the next chapter will be either tsukki or omi.<br/>im planning on giving a little info about everyone first before pushing thru the story aheh<br/>enjoy! have a good day.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “Kenma,” Hinata took a firm hold of his friend’s hand, beaming at him as he did so. The lips he wore were weary, just a little curved but enough to call a smile. “You… really have to stop worrying too much.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hinata…” Kozume uses his other hand to put over Hinata’s. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Listen to me first.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... okay.” Kozume looks down and nods, deflating a little. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “None of this is your fault, why are you acting as if it was?” Hinata spoke as gently as he could, his smile unfaltering. “Look, Kenma.” The boy with the hair that needs to be dyed again met eyes with the ginger. Hinata leaned a little closer, cupping the cheek of Kozume’s. “You've changed, you know?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You have, too. And I… I can't help it, Shouyou.” Kozume leaned into the warm touch Shouyou offered, frowning in the process. “I should've been there. If I didn't leave y-” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Stop.” Hinata hushes his friend, placing his thumb to Kozume’s lips. “Stop right there. You were busy. So don't blame yourself.” He sighed, withdrawing his hand and putting it over Kozume’s. Their hands were sandwiched together, Kozume had no intention of letting go. Neither did Hinata. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Like I said… I can't help it.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You're so precious, Kenma.” Hinata simply complimented, without any malice at all. This made Kozume’s stomach churn in a way he didn't like. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “How can you say that?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata shrugs. “I'm not going to take it back. You really are.” Hinata’s cocoa eyes averted, but eventually met with Kozume’s golden ones. “I mean… you take care of me even when you live far away. And… you're even trying to get me to take therapy.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Because I can. I'm only trying to help, Shouyou.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I know. And I'm thankful.” Hinata sighs, voice cracking a little as he spoke again, “You're welcome to help me and don't mistake it, I'm very grateful.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “But?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “But don't expect me to accept all of it… you know? Kenma, I don't need therapy. Don't force me into taking it.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... does it feel that way?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Lately.” The ginger admits, trying to take his hands back but Kozume refuses to let go. “I have all of you. And it’s not like I'm completely traumatized. If I was, I wouldn't be able to face Kageyama.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “That's because-” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Let me finish.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “S… sorry. Please, go on.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kozume lets go of Hinata’s hands only to fix the way he held them. With his slightly larger ones, he kept Hinata’s inside of his like tight shackles. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Kenma,” Hinata’s voice softens. “I'm doing better now, so you can lay off a little bit. You don’t have to visit me all the time, Atsumu and Omi are always around me. So is Bokkun. So I'm never really alone in the dorms.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I can't help it…” Kenma repeats for the third time. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You can, Kenma.” Hinata inches forward, leaning his head on Kozume’s chest. “You can start by working harder, on your job I mean, not on me!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kozume chuckles, resting his chin gently on Hinata’s head. “... okay. In return, please be honest with me all the time, okay? Tell me if you ever need help. Or, for the best (for me), text me at least once every day. Just to update me.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Sure… okay. If that makes you feel better.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Way better.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “M’ sorry, Shou. I just… can't let anything happen to you, ever again.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Seriously, you need to stop acting like you're my boyfriend or something.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I could be. I mean, I'm just trying to be here for you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Sorry, I’m taken.” Hinata giggles, “And I'm thankful for you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kozume wraps his arms around Hinata, letting the boy adjust and be comfortable. Then they lean back on the mattress, both huffing as they relax. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kozume wishes that they could stay like this forever. He wishes that Hinata could be calm like this, all the time. And accepting of his (and other’s) touches.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata claims that he’s getting better but Kozume doesn't see it. Every time someone touches or even pokes Hinata out of nowhere, the boy either jumps or squeals. The boy’s grown conscious of other people's skin.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kenma prays that Hinata would genuinely be better one day. And that Kageyama… would face his wrongdoings properly.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kenma also hopes that one day, his feelings would reach Hinata. With all honesty, he doesn't mind watching him from afar, or staying as a friend. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But it sure would be nice to be able to hold Hinata (like this) all the time. To be his safety blanket, his partner everyday, the person he could go to when he needed something, so on and so forth. Kenma just wants to be the first ever person that comes to Hinata’s mind whenever he’s in a state of panic, or in need of someone to lean on. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> That’s all Kenma asks. It doesn't sound too hard, but knowing the situation, it’s impossible. Hinata has a lot of people in his life. Kenma thinks that he’s just one of the people who try to chase him and keep him for the calmness of the soul.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> If only it was possible to keep Hinata away from the world. If he had Hinata’s consent, he would have bought tickets to another country almost immediately. He’s capable, fully capable actually, to take care of Hinata in every way possible. He’s got a lot of money and he intends to use most of it on ‘his’ Shouyou. He’s got enough to buy a house, to support himself and Hinata alone, he has literally everything prepared if Hinata just said the word. Those three words. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Frankly, Hinata has no idea how deep Kenma’s gone. All the ginger’s ever thought is that Kenma's the most generous and the way Kenma cares for him is like a brother, but in a sense… that Hinata can’t really wrap his mind around.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata often leaves it untouched as he doesn't want to end up thinking of something awkward. But in all honesty, he’s just afraid of finding out that there’s more who love him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He himself has a hard time doing so. What more if it was someone else? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... are you asleep?” Kozume asks, combing the underside of Hinata’s silky locks. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The boy doesn't answer. His breathing resonates with Kozume’s. It's slow and consistent, comforting and reassuring. Carefully, Kozume places a kiss on the boy’s orange hair. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah. Just sleep. I’ll be right here.” Kozume whispers, closing his eyes as well and soon drifting. </em>
</p><hr/><p>The buzzing of Kozume’s phone is what wakes him up in the early afternoon. He opens his eyes to only be blinded by the scorching light that escaped the blinds that he unfortunately left open the whole night. </p><p>He clicked his tongue and turned to the other side, taking his phone from the bedside table to silence it, not even bothering to check who it was that was calling. He groaned, closing his eyes again and wanting to go back back to sleep.</p><p>He couldn't anymore, as his brain started to function and it had begun to remind him of his sorrows. Kozume cursed and sat up, scratching his long dry hair and tying it into a low bun. He blinked a few times, processing that he’s awake. <em> Alive and breathing </em>. Slowly, he turned to his phone, sluggishly picking it up and checking his notifications.</p><p>He has a few missed calls from Kuroo, Bokuto and Tsukishima. The first thing he does is check his texts.</p><p>[9/12]</p><p>Tetsu:</p><p>[is everyone coming today?]</p><p>Tsukki:</p><p>[im passing today.]</p><p>Kuroo:</p><p>[whatt. why?]</p><p>Tsukki:</p><p>[just dont feel like it. sorry, enjoy.]</p><p>Tetsu:</p><p>[what about Kou?]</p><p>Bokkun:</p><p>[sorry. feeling a little under the weather.]</p><p>Tetsu:</p><p>[shucks ):]</p><p>[get well, Kou!]</p><p>Bokkun:</p><p>[sorry, thanks.]</p><p>Tetsu:</p><p>[anyone know where kenma is?]</p><p>Bokkun:</p><p>[ah i tried calling him earlier but didnt answer]</p><p>Tsukki:</p><p>[same]</p><p>[he’s probably asleep or working]</p><p>Kozume types,</p><p>🎮:</p><p>[sorry jwu]</p><p>[cant today. dont feel well.</p><p>[looks like you're going to spend the day alone, Kuro]</p><p>Tetsu: </p><p>[its fine.]</p><p>[get well, you lot]</p><p>🎮:</p><p>[noted]</p><p>Kozume checks his other messages before he puts his phone down. A part of him him is still waiting for a text message from Hinata. He gets up to take a shower. After his shower, he doesn't bother getting dressed. He lives alone anyway, and has no plan of going out.</p><p>Kozume collapses on his bed, grabbing his game console and starts posting whatever game that first caught his interest. He played until the sun turned to red, and when he started to feel hungry. He ignored it, as he didn't feel like eating. He stops playing, however, once his game console dies on him.</p><p>Kozume gets up, wearing a loose robe and going to the living room to sit on the couch. He just wants to see Hinata, he decides to leave his room free of him because he thinks he won't be able to sleep or focus if he sees Hinata’s pretty face all the time.</p><p>“Hello, Shouyou.” He said with a quiet voice, settling down on one of his leather sofas and picking up a picture frame of Hinata in Brazil.</p><p>It was a rainy day in Tokyo that day, but in Brazil it was exceptionally sunny. In the photograph, Hinata is smiling so brightly. Behind him is the beach and a volleyball net. </p><p>Kozume remembers clearly, Hinata sent that photo with the caption “I miss you, wish you were here.”</p><p>The memory brings a bitter smile to Kozume’s face. A bitter smile with hurtful eyes, you’d hate to see it. His whole living room is full of pictures of Hinata.</p><p>And let me tell you this right now, he isn't obsessed… at least… that’s what he says.</p><p>Kenma Kozume is definitely not obsessed. He just loves Hinata. Like a <em> whole </em> lot that you could and most likely <em> would </em> mistake it as an obsession. </p><p>With the burning memory from this morning, Kenma wonders; how do people start and end a relationship?</p><p>Surely, Hinata would be one to answer. As he's been in and out of relationships with Kageyama. And is ‘<em> currently’ </em> with Atsumu. (Atsumu has no plan of breaking off his relationship with Hinata, even when he’s gone.) If Kenma remembers correctly, Atsumu mentioned something about dying alone if it meant his loyalty towards Hinata. It sounds stupid because no one ever questioned his loyalty towards the latter. He’s just… how would one call it? he doesn't know how to let go. Like many of his friends.</p><p>Kenma’s one of those friends.</p><p>“Obviously, being his sponsor wasn't enough.” Kenma states, putting down the picture frame and picking up another. The one he picked up was Hinata in his MSBY jersey with Bokuto and Sakusa.</p><p>The missed one stood in the center, embracing Bokuto and Sakusa. Like always, Bokuto’s wearing an excited emotion meanwhile Sakusa’s wearing his “oh no, germs” face.</p><p>Kenma’s sure he did everything he could for Hinata. <em> And yet </em>, his feelings were never reached. At first, Kenma just thought that Hinata was dense towards other people's emotions towards him. However, Kageyama and Atsumu proved that to be wrong. </p><p>… <em> whatever. I’m not getting anywhere with these thoughts.  </em></p><p>Kenma puts the picture down and zones out, he tries to quiet down his mind. Despite the fact that every time he blinks, he gets to see Hinata’s smile, and every time it is quiet he can hear whispers or distant laughs that belonged to the latter.</p><p>He wonders if it’s like this with the others as well. </p><p>He hopes not. It’s pathetic and it could very well drive somebody mad.</p><p>“Am I the one who needs therapy after all?” Kenma asked himself, scoffing and rubbing his eyes. He ended up pressing too hard, causing his eyesight to blur for a little while. With opened eyes, he could see movement around him. As if he wasn’t alone in his empty house.</p><p>He’s obviously haunted. Haunted with the thoughts of him. With his memories of him. His smile. His voice. His eyes. The warmth he used to offer.</p><p>Everything about Hinata Shouyou haunts Kenma. And, to answer Kenma’s question, it’s not just him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Robbed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The water he prepared was warm, but a little on the hotter side. He found amenity in this, the water, and the heat it provided. It reminded Sakusa of those long days when he would find himself inside Hinata’s warm embrace.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was quiet inside his house, completely quiet that Sakusa could hear his own breathing, heart beat and footsteps. It was so quiet that he could hear the chirping of the birds, the traffic in the busy streets and the moderate voices of his neighbors. In the doorway, he stood. He just… stood. He was tired, Atsumu just dropped him off. He was tired, despite the fact that he hasn't really done anything that’s enough to tire him out. For God’s sake, he’s a volleyball player-it takes a <em> whole </em> lot to tire out a volleyball player and what more-a player who’s in the V-League.</p><p>He exhaled and took off his shoes, putting them in the shoe rack then he proceeded to clean his hands in the kitchen sink. The faucet ran, and he wets his hands, suddenly, a wave of unexplainable fatigue washed over him. It left him leaning his hips on the counter, ducking his head down as he covered his face.</p><p>
  <em> Today wasn't a great day. </em>
</p><p>The atmosphere earlier was sickening. Completely sickening that it made Sakusa want to vomit. Bokuto and Atsumu clearly weren't doing any better, Kozume was hiding his feelings and acted cool about it, Kuroo was just entirely clueless of what’s going on. Sakusa doesn't know everyone a whole lot but it’s obvious to him who it is that's grieving or not.</p><p>There’s just something about Kuroo that makes Sakusa’s blood boil. Clearly, he’s insensitive towards others. How he just pointed out the state that Bokuto was in without any second thoughts made Sakusa’s skin crawl. Bokuto’s doing his best, everyone knows that-but Kuroo’s insensitivity-it was just <em> so </em>wrong. </p><p>
  <em> I should watch over Bokuto more. </em>
</p><p>Sakusa wipes the water off his face. He heads to his room to change into comfier clothes-he plans to just sleep through the whole day. Maybe that would remove the lethargy he was feeling. </p><p>And so, after changing and washing up, he lied on his bed.</p><p>His coping mechanism isn't exactly healthy. Atsumu knew that, and he wanted to help Sakusa. Sakusa just… doesn't like being helped. He prefers to be the one who pulls himself out of the darkness. He’s the type of person who wants to suffer in silence, without anyone else knowing but himself. It wasn't because he didn't trust anyone with his personal matters-he just doesn't want to appear weak in front of anyone. The only person he’s shown his vulnerability is… who else? Hinata Shouyou.</p><p>It was always Hinata who comforted him whenever Sakusa was down. The sun knew him best and it only takes a glance to know whether Sakusa was alright or not. Sometimes, Sakusa wonders if Hinata’s human or if he’s actually an angel in disguise. Hinata’s a blessing. Everyone knows that. He’s heaven sent, god sent, whoever and whatever god you worship sent. </p><p>Hinata, to Sakusa, was a safety blanket that had legs. Short ones, at that, but he’s the best there ever is and ever will be. Sakusa struggles and it’s the first time he’s struggled like this. He doesn't know what to do, where to run to, what to think.</p><p>It was always Hinata who kept him in his best shape. But Hinata’s gone now. So, <em> what do I do?  </em></p><p>Sakusa tries to remember Hinata’s words. Those words that shined in the dark, words that acted as candles inside golden lanterns.</p><p>
  <em> “You aren't alone. You have me, and Tsum, and Bokuto. And a lot more. So, Omi, don’t ever feel like you're alone because all of us are here for you.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But It’s Hinata I want to talk to. Not to anyone else… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “If you ever need help, I’m always here to listen. And my arms are always open for you.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Where are you now, especially when I need you the most?  </em>
</p><p>“<em> Want me to come over later? You told me that hugging me helped you sleep better last time.” </em></p><p>“Speaking of… my sleeping schedule is completely messed up.” Sakusa gets his blankets and opens it, putting it over his legs. Unlike Atsumu who’s asleep all the time. Sakusa’s always awake. It’s been a whole while since his last good sleep.</p><p>Regardless of knowing how things end, he closes his eyes. He just prays he gets to sleep, even a little. Sleep. That’s all he asks for. … maybe Hinata being brought back to life, too. Or just… nothing ever happened to Hinata. Yeah. That’s a better wish.</p><p>His breathing regulates, and as soon as it does-it hitches. Sakusa sits up, taking his head in his hands while his breathing just messes up again. He then looks down on his palms and starts tracing on them, trying to calm himself down. Unfortunately, the one causing Sakusa’s insomnia is also Hinata. Every time he closes his eyes for a long time, his mind always drifts to memories that Sakusa holds dear. And those dear memories are suddenly twisted. Twisted in ways that are so unrealistic. Sakusa knows it's not true. He knows what really happened. And yet, he can't help but be bothered by the numerous renewed versions of his memories of Hinata. </p><p>How a night of cuddling could turn into Hinata doing unspeakable things. He would see Hinata standing by the window, shirt drenched with blood while his eyes were flowing with tears. Every time he’d speak, it was obvious that it wasn't him. Hinata would never speak such terrifying words.</p><p>Sakusa cursed, letting his eyes peek out of his hands as he took a deep breath. His hair nearly covered his eyes, but since he had wavy hair it was in sections and didn't hinder his sight. He turns to his side and reaches for the nightstand drawer handle, he pulls it and takes out a bottle of sleeping pills.</p><p>He’s been taking them for a while. Yes, it helps him sleep, but he doesn't really feel well the morning after. Regardless, he tooks a few and popped them in his mouth. He swallowed them dry and he lies back down, it takes a while before it takes over. He tries to sleep despite the unending train of thoughts that ring in his ears. Words he could've said, should've and shouldn't have. He closes his eyes but only to open them again, because there is no difference. It is all the same, dark and quiet, yet bright and noisy. He finds himself drifting once his memories revert to its original copies. Those memories when Hinata is smiling, laughing, in his arms that are just so comfortable.</p><p>Once it’s morning, he wakes up. With no memory of ever dreaming, all that time while he was unconscious was gone in a snap. Outside the walls of his home was a sky that was still slightly dark. It was dawn, and the sun was just about to get up. It's okay because Sakusa went to sleep during the afternoon yesterday so he doesn't mind waking up so early. But what does bother him is the things he will do until later. Actually, until he goes to sleep again. </p><p>He has training today but he doesn't feel like going. The side effects of the pills are starting to take over-they were bound to eventually. Sakusa shifts in his bed, wiping his eyes out of habit to get rid of any dried tears or sleep sand. </p><p>He gets up and heads to the kitchen to make a cup of green tea. He ignores the shakiness of his legs and the throbbing in his head. He holds his neck as he notices that it’s a little itchy, he curses, “Maybe I should shower first.”</p><p>So he heads to the shower, because it might help with his headache. Maybe he just needed to cool down. He tripped himself of his clothing and stepped into the shower. The water he prepared was warm, but a little on the hotter side. He found amenity in this, the water, and the heat it provided. It reminded Sakusa of those long days when he would find himself inside Hinata’s warm embrace. Those days when Hinata would be singing or telling Sakusa about his day while he either separated their curls or rubbed their back. </p><p>But those days of contentment are long gone. They were robbed of the sun. </p><p>What was everyone going to do? Nothing and no one can ever replace the sun.  You’d be called stupid and shameless if you tried to find a replacement.</p><p>Sakusa didn’t even realize when he collapsed to his knees, the water pitter pattered on his back and it slid down to his legs, until it met with the cold floor. Why did the water feel heavy? Was it the water or the overbearing emotions that Sakusa’s been carrying for far too long already? He’s lost again, in his head. </p><p>He gets up when he realizes that his hands are all wrinkly, he groans and gets the soap and starts washing himself. After, he dries himself up before going back to his room to get dressed. The sun was completely up now, and it shined in the way it always does, unbothered by the clouds that came and went. He had the green tea he was supposed to have earlier, after his tea he drank painkillers for his head. Yeah… he relies on medicine. He was drug dependent, and no one knew this except Hinata. His drug dependency was one of Hinata’s main concerns, it was okay for a little while but now? It’s just… worse than ever. Sakusa has no plan of pulling himself back. Well, at least, for now. He just wants to mourn until he can’t anymore. He’ll go back to normal once he’s ready.</p><p>No one can speak to him about getting out of the darkness. <em> That </em> is something only Hinata can do.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> “Omi~” Hinata called, taking the larger hands that shook in his own. Hinata looked up and smiled, and Sakusa suddenly wondered if it’s ever bothered Hinata. Looking up all the time. Since he was the shortest out of the bunch. Even with a thought as simple as that, his hands continued to tremor. “I’m here, it’s going to be okay. Okay? Just,” Hinata imitates slow and deep breathing actions, “Deep breaths!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “H-hinata,” Sakusa swallows and tries to follow the rhythm of Hinata’s breathing, “How did you find m-me?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Is that really what you’re going to ask me?” Hinata tightens his grip around Sakusa’s freezing hands. He brought them to his lips and blew, attempting to make them warm again. After blowing a few times, he rubs them together. “Calm down, now.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You always find me. And I really tried to hide this time.” Sakusa watches Hinata do his routine. The holding of hands, warming, after this he’s going to make Sakusa sit. Then Hinata’s going to wipe his tears, and hug him. That’s how it always goes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “So you’re saying-the times before this, you wanted me to find you?” Hinata looks up and places a chaste kiss on Sakusa’s pale nails. “What’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I don’t… I don’t know. I just…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “D’you have a panic attack?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... I think…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata tilted his head, and the smile on his face meant ‘don’t worry anymore.’ The tears that streamed down Sakusa’s face didn’t stop, it only continued because seeing someone care for him makes him so unnecessarily sad. Sakusa takes his hands back and he hides them in his pockets, Hinata doesn’t mind it-he just sits on the floor. He gestures to Sakusa to sit down in front of him, and the boy follows. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Wanna tell me about it?” Hinata asks, leaning in a little to wipe Sakusa’s flowing tears. He took his handkerchief and offered it to Sakusa, “Here.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Thanks…” Sakusa accepts it and covers his face. “I don’t want to talk about it.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... I understand.” Hinata pats Sakusa’s head. “Let’s stay here until you’re okay.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Okay.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> -“Okay.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> They sat in silence, Sakusa stopped crying after a while but he still wasn’t okay enough to go out. He feels Hinata come closer so he looks, Hinata’s made his way to his side. The boy with orange locks took Sakusa’s free hand and he started drawing on his palm.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What are you doing?” Sakusa asks, watching Hinata draw circles and lines, sometimes it was characters.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Uh, tracing on your palm?” Hinata answers, not stopping. “I saw Suga doing it before, and Asahi, they said it helped with anxiety.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... I see.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Mm-hm. Is it helping?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I think…” Sakusa breathes out and leans his head on Hinata’s. “Anything you do helps.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata lets out a breathy chuckle, stopping his tracing and holding Sakusa’s hands instead. “Is that so?” Hinata kisses Sakusa’s fingers. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yes, Hinata. To me, you are the very embodiment of reassurance or solace.” He looks at their now intertwined hands,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Then, I’ll never leave your side so that you’re always okay.” Hinata smiles, leaning his head on Sakusa’s bicep. “Sounds good?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Sounds perfect.”</em>
</p><hr/><p>Sakusa finds himself weeping again. Who knew that the person who seemed to be doing best was actually the one falling apart? The facade he kept to protect himself only ended up endangering himself. His thoughts are now full of <em>what ifs. </em></p><p>Like, what if I took care of him more? What if I got a hold of myself sooner and I was the one helping and not him, would he be around now?</p><p>
  <em>If I was okay, would he be too?</em>
</p><p>Sakusa hears his phone buzz but he doesn't bother checking it. It was a text.</p><p>Miya Atsumu:</p><p>[Omi, we need to talk…]</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Movie buddy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Watching movies makes me feel better. It helps distract me.” Hinata admits while he’s playing with his fingers. “So… Can we watch a movie together?”<br/>“Okay.” Tsukishima combs Hinata’s hair with his fingers, “What movie do you want to watch?”<br/>“What do you have?”<br/>“... Jurassic park…”<br/>“That’s expected.” Hinata giggles.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>its messy. ik<br/>but<br/>filler<br/>this has a part 2</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Enveloped by the urge of revenge, Tsukishima kept his head inside his hands. He breathed deeply, trying to bring it back to normal as he tried to calm himself down-and to dismiss the loud static like noise ringing inside his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He presses his palms on his eyes, fingers slipping into blonde locks while he lets out a long sigh. </span>
</p><p><em><span>Shouyou,</span></em> <em><span>what do I do?</span></em></p><p>
  <span>This is a question he asks himself every day. Every time he’s having a hard time. When he wakes up, finishes doing something, and when there’s even the slightest bit of inconvenience.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What do I do?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His thoughts repeat, again and again, until he finds himself starting to finally calm down. He sighed, shakily, before letting his hands fall down to his sides.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the last time, he asked the cold air, and the emptiness but at the same time messiness, and the darkness that filled his room that was once clean, bright and tidy. The room that he once shared with the person who shined brighter than anyone. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What do I do?</span>
  </em>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What are you doing, Tsukki?!” Tsukishima heard, he groaned and threw his head back on the mattress. He sat on the floor, using his phone while Hinata was at the other side, stretching because he was going out for a run. “Join me…!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don't wanna.” Tsukishima brings his phone up and continues typing away, “And will you,” Tsukishima glances towards Hinata’s way, “Wear something warmer? It’s getting cold, and you can't catch a cold now.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh my. Is Tsukki concerned?” Hinata prolonged in a light and fun voice, “I didn't bring a coat with me.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tsukishima huffs and puts his phone down, getting up and walking to his closet to get Hinata a warm sports jacket. “Not that I'm concerned, just that your team’s playing soon, right? You can't bring them down along with you when you have a cold.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Whatever, whatever, just say you're concerned. It’s not like I'm going to make fun of you.” Hinata sighed and sat down on the bed, watching his friend choose from his many varieties of thick clothing.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What was that just now, then?” Tsukishima muttered and rolled his eyes, finally picking a fairly new hoodie. He throws it towards Hinata’s face and sits down beside him. Hinata whispers a thanks and puts the large hoodie on. “I'm not going to run with you because I'm waiting for something, so do your laps safely.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Right, okay.” Hinata manages as he pulls the collar down and fixes the hem. “It’s not like I'm going to trip and fall.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Considering how clumsy you are sometimes? Whatever.” Tsukishima gets his phone, “Go. Before it gets any colder.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay.” Hinata smiles and stands up, ruffling Tsukishima’s hair. “I'm going to be back in a bit.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How long? I’ll wait for you outside.” Tsukishima gets up as well so that Hinata would stop messing with his hair. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No need!” Hinata beamed and turned on the ball of his foot, “Like you said, it’s cold. You don't have to.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The two walk to the front door and Tsukishima opens it after Hinata puts his running shoes on. Hinata gets out the door and waves at Tsukishima before going out the gate.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don't tire yourself too much, I'm not letting you crash.” He lies, and to this Hinata just scoffs. Hinata starts to jog and soon, he’s out of sight.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tsukishima closes the door because the cold early night air blows on his face, he shivers and heads back to his room. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He lazily lies down and turns his phone on, he’s waiting for an email from his school. He asked if he could have time off. One reason why is volleyball, the second is Hinata. He wants to watch over and take care of Hinata more. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because of the request he had to do a lot of things in advance, which explains why Hinata wants to visit as much as he can because Tsukishima’s been too busy and Hinata thinks that the boy hasn't been taking care of himself.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tsukishima isn't aware of this but hearing Hinata scold him for skipping meals and not sleeping at the right time was kind of nice.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>At least he knew that wasn't one sided.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Prone on the bed, Tsukishima leans his chin over a few pillows that were stacked up together. His eyes stayed on the screen of his mobile phone, finger continuously swiping down to refresh his emails. He’s supposed to get the reply today. He would have joined Hinata in his run and just checked if he got the email or not, but he wanted to somehow surprise the boy with something.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He didn't know what, but he was sure Hinata would be happy to hear that he took a break from college. Because to Hinata, no college means more volleyball. And more volleyball means more practice. More practice means, well, more time with Tsukishima and the others. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Of course everyone’s noticed this (everyone who knows and has a clue), Hinata’s become sensitive. Sensitive of the people around him, the company. He doesn't want a lot of people around, then wants a lot of people around. He’s most scared of being alone lately.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tsukishima was the first to realize and that's why he’s doing this. Taking a break from college, to be with Hinata more often. So that he could be on the board of choices for Hinata to pick from when he wants to be with someone or do something. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He swipes down for the last time and finally gets the email from his school. It said yes, so Tsukishima punched the air in celebration. He gets up and gets clothes from his closet to give Hinata after his shower. He makes sure that the clothes he picked out were warm and weren't too big before putting them down on the table in the bathroom along with a fluffy towel. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He checks the clock and it’s about time Hinata comes back. Tsukishima grabs a coat he had hanging around and puts it on, then grabs a hand towel to give Hinata when he comes back. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He walks to the front door and goes out, waiting for Hinata by the porch.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was right, it was colder now. He breathed out and a puff of smoke came out. He wonders if the hoodie he gave Hinata was enough, it probably was-since he’s running and all.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He waits a few minutes until Hinata comes. The ginger’s eyes meet the blonde’s and he stops, but jogs in place as he opens the gate. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I told you not to wait!” Hinata says, getting and going to Tsukishima. “It’s so cold!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Warm smoke comes from even warmer throats. Hinata stands there, catching his breath, waiting for Tsukishima to reply.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don't really mind waiting.” Tsukishima says calmly and gives Hinata the towel, “Here. Wipe the sweat off your face.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata takes it and smiles, “Thanks.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let’s get in.” Tsukishima turns around to open the door and walks in with Hinata. Hinata sits down first, gets his shoes off, then lies down on the wooden floor without a care. “Ew. The floor’s dirty.” Tsukishima cringes and takes Hinata’s hands to pull him up.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don't care.” Hinata manages between breaths, “I'm going to take a bath anyway.” He doesn't budge, putting his weight on his back while Tsukishima tries to get him up. “If you want me off the floor, you’re gonna have to carry me to the bathroom.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not yet, you're still sweaty.” Tsukishima doesn't let go of Hinata’s hand, he pulls on it without much strength. “I'm getting water.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tsukishima leaves the front door to go to the kitchen. Hinata thanks him and closes his eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tsukishima comes back with a bottle of water for the ginger, he sees that they’re resting with eyes closed and hands on the chest. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tsukishima kneels down, placing the cold bottle on Hinata’s forehead. The boy doesn't move, he just hums.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Feels nice.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata accepts it and takes a sip, but of course he sat first, just so that he wouldn't choke. After drinking, he lies back down. The two of them stay there for a while, then, out of nowhere, Tsukishima stands, pulls Hinata’s hand without much effort at all but ends up lifting the boy and carrying them over his shoulder.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey! Put me down!” Hinata shouts, hitting Tsukishima’s back as the boy starts walking to the bathroom. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Go shower because I want to sleep soon.” He opens the door to the bathroom and puts Hinata down.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh, right. You have classes tomorrow.” Hinata frowns, now on his feet. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I left clothes there, go.” Tsukishima then closes the door. He goes back to his room to lie down while waiting for Hinata. But in the process of it, he falls asleep.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s just woken up by the feeling of the space beside him sink, then he smells the soap he has in the bathroom. He opens his eyes a little to see Hinata, the ginger is lying next to him, facing him with closed eyes and wet hair.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey. Dry your damn hair.” Tsukishima’s fingers sneak to the ginger’s wet, good smelling hair. “You’ll get sick.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“And you’ll have to take care of me, which is something I don't really mind.” Hinata answers him, his slightly deep voice matching Tsukishima’s groggy one. “Go back to sleep, you have classes in the early morning right?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nah… I'm on break…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah. So go to sl… what?” Hinata’s lids flutter open, then he sits up abruptly. “Are you serious?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah.” Tsukishima turns to the other side, huffing and pulling covers over his body. He does this to hide the reddening cheeks of his.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then let’s not sleep yet!!!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No. Dry your hair, then go to sleep.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I won't.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tsukishima’s not looking but he knows Hinata’s pouting like a cute little kid. Tsukishima doesn't pay attention to it until Hinata lies next to him again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re going to be the death of me.” Tsukishima gets up to grab a new towel and a hair dryer. “Sit up, quickly.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata giggles and listens, he gets off the bed and sits on the floor so that Tsukishima could comfortably dry his hair.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thanks.” Hinata says as Tsukishima turns the blower on. “Come on, watch movies with me, please?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why should I do that?” Tsukishima sighs.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“To be honest, I'm kind of feeling nervous because of tomorrow.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Tomorrow…?” Tsukishima thinks, and in a second, he understands. “Right. Lunch with Daichi and the others…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“He’s going to be there.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You want to skip? Let’s eat somewhere else, let me buy you lunch.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“... no, it’s okay.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They aren't looking at each other, but they know how each other’s faces look. Tsukishima knows that Hinata’s frowning, with his brows knitted together. Hinata knows that Tsukishima’s concerned, with lips forming a thin line.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Watching movies makes me feel better. It helps distract me.” Hinata admits while he’s playing with his fingers. “So… Can we watch a movie together?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay.” Tsukishima combs Hinata’s hair with his fingers, “What movie do you want to watch?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What do you have?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“... Jurassic park…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s expected.” Hinata giggles. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The blonde finishes drying Hinata’s hair. He hangs the towel somewhere and puts the hair blower back. “Go to the living room and pick out a movie, Jurassic Park’s not the only movie I have.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do you have netflix?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I have that, too.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’ll wait for you there, let’s pick together.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata leaves the room. Tsukishima grabs the comforter and a few pillows to bring to the living room sofa. Hinata helps fix the blankets and pillows then they pick a movie together. Later on, they’re cuddling.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“From now on, I’ll watch a movie with you whenever you feel nervous or anxious.” Tsukishima rubs his thumb over Hinata’s skin. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay. That makes you my movie buddy.”</span>
  </em>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi Tadashi:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Are you home? I bought new dvds, shall we watch them together?]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima reads the text from his friend, he’s about to reply when his doorbell rings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don't tell me…” Tsukishima squinted and walked to the door to check. Yamaguchi was standing outside, carrying a pizza box in one hand and a paper bag in the other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima opens the door, “Don't show up and text. There’s an order for these kinds of things.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To this, Yamaguchi chuckles. “Sorry, Tsukki. I knew you were home anyways.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima walks over to open the gate for Yamaguchi, then they get in together.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>in a slump still</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. The moon and it's Sun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He’s about to look for pillow cases when he finds a few clothes that belonged to Hinata. Tsukishima probably has more in his closet… Hinata stayed over often. It was given that the boy had a lot of homes, a lot of people took care of him after all.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ayee double upd .-.<br/>would u believe me if i said that i finsihed ch 10 before 8??? and i didnt even notice until i was editing it????</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Tsukishima and Yamaguchi sat on the cushioned floor, backs leaning on the sofa while they chewed on their food. All eyes were stuck on the TV, and they haven't spoken properly since Yamaguchi came in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima didn't really care, he preferred the silence anyway. And he’s sure Yamaguchi noticed it, the heaviness of the atmosphere that Yamaguchi just invaded into with his DVDs and food. Yamaguchi probably doesn't know the right thing to say yet, he’s quietly chewing from his pizza slice while his eyes stayed on the TV, but they weren't focused on that. Instead, he was lost in his head, partially panicking. Because sooner or later, he has to speak with Tsukishima.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima glances at his freckled friend and notices the sweat running down the side of his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima sighs and grabs a piece of tissue to wipe his oily hands, “What is it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s the one to break the silence, it stuns Yamaguchi a little as he’s frozen on the floor. He swallows first before turning his body towards Tsukishima.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Hold on,” Yamaguchi sadly fails to think of something to say. The boy deflates, covering his face. “Don't know what to say yet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You're an idiot.” Tsukishima doesn't want to look. “You don't have to say anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I do.” Yamaguchi sighed, getting up to sit on the sofa. He thought that it would be better for Tsukishima if they weren't talking face to face. “I want to know what happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Earlier?” Tsukishima takes his glass of citrus soda, “Nothing, I just r-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That, and everything else.” Yamaguchi cuts Tsukishima off. “I'm your friend. And, I'm not really forcing you to tell me anything but I want to know because… I think, if I know about everything a little more, I could help you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Help me with what exactly?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This. Your mourning.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can't help me with this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then…” Yamaguchi looks down, “At least know that I'm always here to listen. Come on, Tsukki, you tell me things but never finish.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s because I'm not sure about the things I should tell you.” Tsukishima takes his glasses off to press on his eyes. “Drop it, Yamaguchi.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tsukki,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Drop it. You're only pressuring me to talk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi falls silent. Their focus shifts back to the movie, as if nothing ever happened. A few minutes before the movie ends, they start talking again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The movie isn't really nice, no?” Yamaguchi starts, “Thought there would be character development or something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Agreed.” Tsukishima says while his finger is tracing over his cup’s rim. “Anyway, I'm tired.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should I go?” Yamaguchi gets up to start cleaning up, “You</span>
  <em>
    <span> do</span>
  </em>
  <span> look tired.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don't mind if you stay overnight. Sleep here.” Tsukishima gets off the floor and takes the cups to the kitchen. “It’s already dark out and the weather forecast said that it was going to rain tonight. So, it’s best if you stay here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Thanks.” Yamaguchi collects all the used tissues and throws them into the empty pizza  box before closing it. He follows Tsukishima to the kitchen to throw the box out. “I have classes in the morning so I’ll probably be out before 7.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cool. Don’t wake me up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...” Yamaguchi cleans his hands and dries them in the air, “Would it be fine if I asked you about him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Depends on what you ask.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just want to know more about him as… you know. How you saw him with your eyes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So… you want me to tell you about him in my personal perspective?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly.” Yamaguchi turns around the lean on the counter and faces Tsukishima, who’s in front of him now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well. He was perfect.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... perfect, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi looks at Tsukishima, the blonde’s looking down on the floor while he’s biting his lip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Explain further please.” Yamaguchi leaves the kitchen to go back to the living room. “You know, nevermind. Just tell me about Hinata. Anything about him is fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you even want to know about him? I mean, you know him. You were sort of close with him during high school, right?” Yamaguchi hears from behind, along with some light footsteps.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, we messed around a lot but we never really talked about anything serious.” Yamaguchi is trailing, “Yeah, friends, but we weren't close.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just.” Yamaguchi sighs and sits down on the sofa, the movie’s still rolling credits and there's quiet music playing. “Dunno,” he shrugs. “Maybe if I knew him more I would be able to kind of understand how everyone else is feeling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know what happened to him only because you told me, but yeah, not the whole story-which is okay. I actually wanted to hear it from him personally as well but then…,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We weren't exactly close to begin with, like I said.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just thought about it recently and I really should've spent more time with him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi’s babbling when Tsukishima turned the CD player off and switched the TV to the local channel. As usual, it’s on the volleyball channel. It’s a replay, and if Tsukishima remembers correctly-after this game is going to be MSBY against some team that came from the west. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite knowing that, he leaves it on. Yamaguchi’s still talking, he doesn't really take in any of it since what Yamaguchi wants to say’s already reached him-he finds the babbling and the muttering unnecessary.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow, it’s unsettling. For Tsukishima. For obvious reasons, he’s not the right person for this. To talk about Hinata to someone and well, him on somehow the comforting side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn't really know what to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima stops his friend from speaking any further. “You know, like you said to me before, there’s no use in regretting things that are already done.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tsukki…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And, sorry.” Tsukishima rubs his nape, “I'm really tired. Just. Next time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... right.” Yamaguchi smiles, “Right. Sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just set up the guest room, there’s new covers in the closet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep. Good night.” Yamaguchi smiles again, and watches Tsukishima disappear to the room. And just like that, their conversation ends. He gets up and turns the TV off, then proceeds to the guest room to rest since he has classes in the early morning tomorrow. Like Tsukishima says, he gets new covers to put on the dusty bedding. He just places it over neatly, he doesn't really replace it because he’s become too lazy. He’s about to look for pillow cases when he finds a few clothes that belonged to Hinata. Tsukishima probably has more in his closet… Hinata stayed over often. It was given that the boy had a lot of homes, a lot of people took care of him after all. Yamaguchi takes one hoodie out, it’s oversized in a dirty shade of cream. It’s a little too big for Hinata but Yamaguchi knows that Hinata liked it like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oversized clothing was a thing for him. Maybe it was a short people thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi sighs. But then, it could belong to Tsukishima. If Hinata wore this, it’d probably reach his lower thighs. Maybe even his knees.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It smells like mothballs and old fabric conditioner, something about it feels nice. Yamaguchi folds it and puts it back to really look for pillow cases.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After finishing with fixing the bed, the boy lies down with a thump. He lets out a long sigh and gets his phone to set an alarm for the next morning, and while doing so-he receives a text from the person in the next room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima Kei:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Hey. I'm sorry.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi taps on it to reply, but Tsukishima’s typing so he doesn't reply just yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Sorry I didn't listen to your ranting earlier. Sorry I cut you off, too. I know you're doing this to try and help me and you didn't deserve to be shut down like that… you said you miss Shouyou, and regret a few things but… everyone feels that way. And I'm not in a place to say this because I'm not my best, even after a whole 3 months already.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Even so, I want to talk about him, yeah, but not now. I'm not ready to talk about him yet. I will, soon, with you. And by then, I’ll try my best to help you too.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[You wanted to hear about my personal view of Shouyou right? All I can say right now that he was an angel we didn't really deserve to have in our lives.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[I also blame myself for his death. Mainly because I know to myself that I could've been better. Did you know? I was the first one.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[The first one he told about Kageyama did.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[It was after a joint training and we went to a cafe together. I remember that day so clearly.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi Tadashi:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[What happened…?]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima Kei:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[He wasn't his best. He was out of it. Always zoning out, lagging behind laps and it was like he was worried about a test or something. A lot of us were worried about him that day, but he came to me.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Is it selfish of me to have thought that I was special? And that I wanted to be the only one who knew. And that I wanted to be the only person he goes to when he wants or needs someone.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[???]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[He was mid-frappe when he started talking. He cried to me. And for once I didnt care about how we looked towards other people. That day I promised myself that I would always be by his side whenever he needed me.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[I thought I could make him feel better. I thought I could stop him from doing this.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Because… he confessed to me that it got the idea every now and then. He told me that he was feeling down. Kozume even told him to get therapy but Shouyou didn't want it.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Do you think if I pushed him to get therapy, he would be here with us now?]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[He’s heaven sent. He’s too precious to exist along with us. Shouyou’s too kind for his own good.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Someone wrongs him. And he forgives them. Just like that.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[The world is fucking messed up.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Shouyou shouldn't be kind like that.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[I hate him for being like that.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[... anyway…]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[I’m sorry for ranting like that when I wasn't even listening to you earlier.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Ugh I'm so sorry.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[I swear I’ll listen to you next time.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Thank you for always being here for me.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Good night.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi Tadashi:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[... of course. Let’s talk about this soon, okay? Good night.]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi turns his phone off after the last text, and he falls asleep almost immediately. The next morning, he gets up early and like Tsukishima advised-he leaves without a word. He has extra clothes lying around in Tsukishima’s house so he doesn't have to go home to get changed, and he just gets breakfast in a 24-hour fast food restaurant before heading to school.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yesterday was progress, right? </span>
  </em>
  <span>He thought, on the way to his first period classroom. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tsukishima talked about Hinata after a long time. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I hope he’s really starting to get better… </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi sighed for the first time. </span>
  <em>
    <span>If I knew Hinata better, I would understand how Tsukki’s feeling. I was his captain. I should've gotten closer with him, at least a little bit. I'm sure he trusts me, just… not enough for those kinds of matters I guess…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But then again… Tsukishima and Hinata weren't really close to begin with, too…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Their relationship is a complete mystery to me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I just hear from Tsukishima about Hinata one day and it continues. The duo are so unexpected. The sun and the moon… </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They were rivals. And look at Tsukishima now…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It's so obvious that Hinata’s actually kind of a sun. He does things to Tsukishima. He makes him shine and glow, he makes Tsukishima do things that I never thought he would. In and out of volleyball.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The moon </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> only shine because of the light that comes from the sun but… I'm sure one day, Tsukishima will get better and shine even brighter. Maybe not like before, when his angel was around, he’ll shine in his own way.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hope u enjoyed reading, have a nice day :))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Hint (1/2)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Thinking about it now, Kageyama admits that he was a little like that when he was together with Hinata. So… in that way, Atsumu’s better than him at being boyfriend.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>fillerrrrr<br/>this also has a second part :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Kageyama.” Ushijima calls, peeking from the locker room’s door to check on his friend. “Warming up starts soon.”</p><p>He says this in a moderate voice, but it seems like he isn't heard by Kageyama. He raises a brow in confusion, then he looks at the book Kageyama’s reading. <em> Has he picked up reading? </em>Maybe it was a way to cope, Ushijima thought as he walked in slowly to come closer to the raven haired boy. When he’s close enough, he realizes that it isn't a book but a journal with messy handwriting. Ushijima’s a few steps away, and Kageyama hasn't realized his presence yet. It was odd for someone like Kageyama to be so zoned out like that.</p><p>Ushijima sits beside Kageyama, and that’s when he’s finally noticed. Kageyama is a little shocked when he just sees someone sit next to him from the corner of his eyes. For someone with a strong aura to not be noticed like that.</p><p>“Ushijima.” Kageyama bows, “Is there something wrong?”</p><p>“Training starts soon.” Ushijima answers, then takes a look at what Kageyama’s reading. He doesn't ask about it but he’s curious. Instead, he asks, “How are you doing?”</p><p>“Oh… uh,” Kageyama pauses to think, “I would be lying if I said I was any better. But I'm holding up.” His eyes return to the textbook. “Just… a lot of things are on my mind. “What about you?”</p><p>“I'm doing okay.” Ushijima says straightforwardly, hands on his knees while he’s sitting up straight. </p><p>“As expected from you.” Kageyama sighs and closes Hinata’s diary. “Let’s go, let’s not make everyone else wait.” </p><p>The two of them get up and Kageyama just puts the diary in his locker before going out with Ushijima to go to the court. The two of them are immediately greeted by Hoshiumi, then they are told to come faster so that they could start already.</p><p>“Where’d you two go?” Hoshiumi whispered to Kageyama and Ushijima as they started stretching. With their legs spread on the ground, they reached for the floor with their hands and grabbed their ankles. </p><p>“Nowhere. Ushijima fetched me from the locker room.” Kageyama whispers back and he pulls his chest closer to his feet. “Did you wait long?”</p><p>“Nah, I was exaggerating.” Hoshiumi snickers, Kageyama and Ushijima give him a cold expression. “Geez! Don't look at me like that.”</p><p>“Hoshiumi!” Their captain shushed, and Hoshiumi purses his lips after saying sorry. “Make sure you all stretch well.” </p><p>-“Yes, captain!”</p><p>After warming up, the drills start. Everything’s going normally, well, Kageyama’s a little off still but that’s just the new norm. His sets aren't very precise, no one blames him. He’s always at the back when jogging, no one talks about it. He makes a lot of mistakes when serving, blocking and receiving-no one minds it. As of now, because everyone knows he’s having a hard time. No one knows how he feels, what he’s going through and what the situation is for him, so no one really knows the right thing to say.</p><p>They just give him space and time. The team’s also been supportive to the three. But of course, Kageyama especially.</p><p>After a few hours of training, maybe 50 jump serves and 50 spikes, the official training for today ends. Kageyama’s sitting in the corner with Hoshiumi, catching their breaths while chugging down an energy drink. </p><p>“Hah!” Hoshiumi throws his head back and leans it against the wall, exhaling deeply and wiping the sweat off the side of his face with his forearm. “It’s good to have you back, Kageyama.”</p><p>“Hm?” Kageyama turns to look then he tilts his head. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“I mean, it’s good that you're participating in training again. I honestly thought that you would take a month or longer break, but I'm happy that you're starting to get back on your feet?”</p><p>“Haha,” Kageyama laughs awkwardly, “Does it look like that?” He puts the now empty bottle down, crossing his legs and leaning forward. “Well, it helps me distract myself from things and,” He hums, “I don't want to be lagging behind all of you.”</p><p>“That’s right,” Hoshiumi smiles, “But don't force yourself.”</p><p>“Yes, thank you.” Kageyama smiles back. “Let’s go, I'm tired.”</p><p>“Same.” Hoshiumi huffs as he gets up with Kageyama and heads to the locker room to get their things for the shower. </p><p>After showering and getting into comfy clothing, everyone heads to their dorms. Among the seven members of the Adlers, Kageyama’s the only one who has a whole room to himself. Because 1, he’s the newest member and he turns out to be an odd number. 2 is because he said that he’s uncomfortable with sharing rooms with people, and even more after Hinata’s death.</p><p>So if the Adlers ever recruits someone new someday, that person would also have a room to themselves.</p><p>Now, Kageyama’s on the bottom bunk of his bunk bed. He’s lying on his belly while he’s reading Hinata’s journal. It’s been 3 months since he’s received it. He’s learned a lot of things about Hinata and the people around him, as well as the emotions that he feels everyday. What Kageyama hasn't learned though, is the thing he’s most curious about. He wonders if he’ll ever find out, he wonders if Hinata ever wrote it in the diary.</p><p>He hopes that if Hinata did, he’s ready.</p><p>On the page he’s on, Hinata’s talking about Tsukishima visiting the MSBY headquarters to take Hinata out for lunch and to teach him Portuguese because the blonde was somehow curious.</p><p>“<em> i think tsukishima’s just making excuses for me to go out and socialize. hahaha ;;’)” </em> Hinata wrote in clearer writing, “ <em> bc it looks like he already knows portuguese. and he probably does. i dont mind though. him acting like he’s learning something fro me is cute ~~~~” </em></p><p>It continues after a little space, “<em> saw tsukki and tsumu talking earlier. i think they're talking about me .-. idk why but i hope they aren't talking about me badly ):” </em></p><p>Hinata scribbles a tornado until the last line of the page, at the end it said in the messiest handwriting ever. “<em> i asked atsumu and he said that he just wanted to check if anything happened with me today. then! he! KISSED ME AAAAAAAAAAAAA” </em></p><p>Kageyama sighs and leaves the textbook to fall on the mattress. There it is again, Hinata being taken care by Tsukishima and Atsumu. On other days it would be Kenma, then it would be Sawamura. </p><p>But it’s usually Tsukishima and Atsumu lately, for Atsumu, it’s because they're literally in the same headquarters. For Tsukishima… Kegeyama’s sure he just wants to see Hinata all the time. It’s obvious he’s grown attached to the ginger, considering that he literally took a break from college to be with Hinata more, and that he comes to the MSBY dorms even when it’s a little far from his home. </p><p>But… well, rather than attached, he’s a little too protective and over-worries about Hinata. Hinata’s mentioned it a lot and Kageyama’s already lost count. Hinata claims that Tsukishima treats him like a little bird that hurts it’s wings. He’s careful, gentle and kind. Opposite of the Saltyshima everyone knows.</p><p>But Hinata always says that he doesn't mind and loves how Tsukishima treats him now, the blonde even spoils him sometimes.</p><p>Hinata also mentions something about Atsumu getting jealous of Tsukishima sometimes. But then, he also said that Atsumu’s accepting of his relationship with Tsukishima because Atsumu can kind of see that Hinata finds most comfort in the blonde. And, well, he isn’t really possessive of Hinata, nor does he get jealous of the other people that Hinata’s surrounded himself with. Because Atsumu’s matured like that, and it’s not like he should be restricting Hinata anyway. No relationship should be like that. </p><p>Thinking about it now, Kageyama admits that he was a little like that when he was together with Hinata. So… in that way, Atsumu’s better than him at being <em> boyfriend </em>.</p><p>Hinata mentioned once that Tsukishima admitted that Atsumu and Tsukishima agreed to take turns on taking care of Hinata. Hinata said that he found it annoying and unnecessary, but he was still grateful because he had great people around him.</p><p>Hinata says this every now and then, and he’s never really straight to the point. But it goes along the lines of “With everyone taking care of me, I think I'm slowly starting to get over what happened to me.”</p><p><em> What happened exactly…? </em> </p><p>Kageyama sighs loudly, turning on his back to stare at the bottom of the second bunk.</p><p>“It’s something I did while I was drunk. And they say it’s a deed enough to call me a criminal. And that… It's what started Hinata to be wary of a lot of things.” Kageyama trailed, eyes fluttering close as he thought. “What was it…?”</p><p>
  <em> It’s also enough for Tsukishima to want me to rot in hell, I mean, a lot of people have become weird around me… if they hate me so much, why don't they just say it straight to my face? </em>
</p><p>“If it… really is the reason why Hinata… I don’t know what I’ll do…”</p><p>
  <em> I shouldn't drink anymore. Or at least, moderately. I can't let anything like this happen again. </em>
</p><p>The next day, Kageyama ends up sleeping in until the afternoon. It wasn't anything new, and no one really bothered to wake him up because he could always train by himself. He doesn't feel like doing anything today, so he stayed in bed longer than he thought. He just lied there, staring at whatever while his thoughts processed things like ‘wow, I woke up again’ and ‘i want to go back to sleep’.</p><p>He gets up right before lunch, he showered first before having the first meal of the day. He joins Ushijima and Wakatoshi’s table. He doesn't finish his food, which is normal nowadays. The two waits for him to finish and while doing so, Hoshiumi’s doing the talking. Ushijima talks, too, just not a lot. No one really minds it because he’s <em> just </em> like that.</p><p>“I'm leaving the headquarters later, that’s why I started training super early today.” Hoshiumi mentions to Ushijima, “I didn't know that you wake up so early.”</p><p>“Ah, I'm actually going out, too.” Ushijima collects the trays while Kageyama stacks up all the dishes. They placed theirs on the top since it isn't empty. “With friends from high school.”</p><p>“Oh! Same.” Hosiumi beamed. “What about Kageyama, are you going out today? You need to go out more. Get some sunshine, you know?!”</p><p>“I don't really feel like going out lately.”</p><p>“Which is exactly why you should join us.”</p><p>“Us?”</p><p>“I'm meeting with Sakusa, Miya and Sachiro.”</p><p>“I didn't know you were close with Sakusa and Miya.” Kageyama stands up and helps Ushijimi dispose of their things. </p><p>“Well. We’re just going to play volleyball.” Hoshiumi shrugs, “Want to join?! They could invite Bokuto so that it’s 3V3!”</p><p>“I…”</p><p>“Hoshiumi, you might be pressuring Kageyama.” Ushijima cuts in, they’re all cleaning their hands now.</p><p>“Am I?” Hoshiumi looks at Kageyama, “You don't have to join us if you don't want to. I'm just inviting you.”</p><p>“... I don't think I’m going to be welcomed by the other players.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>Kageyama shrugs.</p><p>“I doubt that! Even if that's true, ignore it. I’ll handle them for you.”</p><p>“... thanks. Okay. I guess I’ll join.”</p><p>“That’s the spirit!” </p><p>The three proceed to the lounge to rest.</p><p>“If you change your mind, just tell me. Okay?!” Hoshiumi says as he hits Kageyama’s side lightly. “I'm not forcing you into anything, so no pressure!”</p><p>Kageyama chuckles. “Yes. Thank you.”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>uhhhhhhh next chapter might have violence.............. so, advanced warning! ill put a note in the new chapter if there's actually violence....<br/>hope u enjoyed, have a good day!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. False (2/2)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“And with that in mind, it kinda inspires me to do better.”<br/>“You're getting better.” Akaashi smiles and pats Atsumu’s back. “You're right. I don't think Hinata would be happy if you mourned for too long.”<br/>“Right?” Atsumu smiles back.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i might come back and redo this chapter, if it doesnt click w the next ch ://<br/>so there's a dash of violence, just a small swing. i actually created a whole scene where atsumu beats kageyama up but we dont want that :))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Miya! Nice game.” Hoshiumi crawled under the next after a 5 set match. It was 3-2, Atsumu’s team wasn't the best right now. He’s handed a bottle of energy drink and Hoshiumi accepts it. “Thanks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Same.” Atsumu says plainly, wiping his sweat after giving out the energy drinks. “We’ll beat you next time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Heh, looking forward to that.” Hoshiumi opens the bottle and spurtz the content inside of his mouth. While doing so, he looks around for Kageyama. To check on him. He’s sitting in the corner quietly with Sachiro. Which reminds him, Kageyama is Hinata’s ex. So is Atsumu. So that’s something they have in common-it’s not really something to bond about but maybe the two could understand each other. With that thought, Hoshiumi whispered to Atsumu, “How are you doing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just fine.” Atsumu answers without much enthusiasm or emotion. “Thanks for asking. Why are you whispering?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought that maybe you and Kageyama could understand each other, you know? And...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This conversation’s over.” Atsumu sighed and left Hoshiumi, making his way to Bokuto.</span>
</p><p><span>Hoshiumi’s a little confused. </span><em><span>What?</span></em> <em><span>I thought they were friends?</span></em></p><p>
  <span>“Wait,” Hoshiumi notices it. The hostility of Atsumu and Sakusa towards Kageyama. It’s not obvious of one isn't paying attention, but since Hoshiumi’s keeping an eye on Kageyama-he couldn't ignore it. How Atsumu would aim his sets and spikes towards Kageyama, and when Kegayama came in, the two weren't very welcoming of him. He remembers Atsumu and Sakusa’s face when Kageyama came in. They whispered to each other, and eventually stopped when Bokuto also caught on. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What’s wrong? </span>
  </em>
  <span>If it was just Atsumu, Hoshiumi honestly wouldn't mind it. But Sakusa? Something’s up and Hoshiumi wants to know. But he knows he can't just ask-it looked personal.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>We aren't kids anymore, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thought, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so this must be something serious.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He wants to know, not because he’s nosy-but because he wants to help. This isn't going to help Kageyama get better. Neither will it give any sort of convenience to Atsumu or Sakusa, it’s been a few months since </span>
  <em>
    <span>that, </span>
  </em>
  <span>it’s obvious they haven't moved on yet-so they should be there for each other. Not like this, when they're against each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hoshiumi sighs and walks towards Kageyama to ask about the matter (but in a lowkey way), he sits next to the boy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was the game for you?” Hoshiumi asks as an intro, “You were a little slow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Sorry, it’s been a while.” Kageyama wipes the sweat on his temple, “My sets were bad, sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay.” Hoshiumi smiles and leans back, “So… you and Miya.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you two…” Hoshiumi tries to make something with his hands, “Bad blood? or s-something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama looks at the opposite side of the court, then he shrugs. “I don't think so. Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh. I guess I'm just overreacting then?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing, nothing.” Hoshiumi shakes his head, “And Sakusa?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He and I don't really talk.” Kageyama answers honestly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>but I get a feeling he hates me, </span>
  </em>
  <span>“And we aren't close.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see.” Hoshiumi purses his lips, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that wasn't very lowkey. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“By the way… are you and Miya like… since the two of you are exes of the same person…,” he pauses, careful to not really mention the deceased. “You know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We aren't girls.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don't really understand what you're trying to say.” Kageyama lets out a heavy breath, “And… can we not talk about him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… yeah. Sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Akaa—shi!” The two hear from the other side, it’s Bokuto’s bright voice. The boy’s running to the door with his arms wide open, and the said person’s walking towards them with a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello.” Akaashi smiled and pats his boyfriend’s head as they hugged. Atsumu and Sakusa are following behind Bokuto, so Akaashi bows. “Did I miss the game?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Bokuto frowned, “You missed it, I got a few cross shots in and they were like </span>
  <em>
    <span>baaam </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>pshhh!</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akaashi giggles and wipes his boyfriend’s sweat with his sleeves. “I'm sorry I missed it. I had a lot of work to finish.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay.” Bokuto smiles. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm relieved, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Akaashi thought as he cupped his boyfriend's cheek. “Who won?” He asks Atsumu as Bokuto hugs him again, burying their face into his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Them, 3-2.” Atsumu scratches his neck. “How was work?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Busy.” Akaashi combs his boyfriend's hair gently and mouths, “How is he?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretty good.” Atsumu mouths back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In the first game he wasn't very into it yet.” Sakusa added, mouthing as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me about the game, Bokuto. Let me buy you three something.” Akaashi pushes Bokuto’s shoulders away softly so he could kiss their forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Bokuto giggled and looked at Atsumu and Sakusa. “But we should shower first.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, please…” Sakusa agrees and turns around first to go to the bath. “Atsumu, tell Hoshiumi and the others to feel free to use our bath… later…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pfft.” Atsumu crosses his arms and watches Sakusa leave with Bokuto.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is he?” Akaashi asks Atsumu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don't know.” Atsumu shrugs, “He doesn't tell me things…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Until now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don't think Sakusa will ever open up to any of us. He only opened up to Shouyou and look what... I think he doesn't want to trust anyone with the same amount of trust he had for Shouyou anymore.” Atsumu trails, “We can't push him to talk, he’ll only push us away further. We can't let that happen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you?” Akaashi looks at the boy who needs to dye his hair again. “How are you doing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y’know,” he shrugged, “Better, I guess. I don't really know, honestly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like, I haven't been breaking down and I haven't cried because of him in a while.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still think about him, I always do, and I don't think that’s going to change…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I…?” Atsumu hums, “I just thought that if I stayed like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>for too long, Shouyou would probably haunt me and tell me to move on personally.” He jokes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And besides, I'm sure Hinata would hate me if I stopped playing because of him. And, you know? It’s crazy but it kind of feels nice to think that he’s watching over me like an angel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And with that in mind, it kinda inspires me to do better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You're getting better.” Akaashi smiles and pats Atsumu’s back. “You're right. I don't think Hinata would be happy if you mourned for too long.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right?” Atsumu smiles back. “Excuse me, I’ll talk with the others. We’ll meet you at the lounge.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Atsumu finished the same time as Kageyama, so the two are awkwardly getting dressed in the locker room while Sakusa and Bokuto are already cleaning up and ready to go. Bokuto leaves the moment he finishes so that he could go to his boyfriend, Sakusa stays to watch over Atsumu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once the two were done getting dressed, Kageyama goes to Atsumu to talk with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miya,” He cals, gripping the strap of his bag. He watched the boy brush as they sat down and tied their casual shoes. “Can I talk to you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About what?” Atsumu asks, not sparing Kageyama a glance as he’s unprepared and doesn't have a plan to actually communicate with the latter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The diary.” Kageyama answered and scratched his nape, “I uh… get the idea of needing it more but… I'm already halfway through but…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Atsumu gets up and is on the same eye level as Kageyama. “Look, I don't really want to talk with you right now. So get to the point.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What I did.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu loses his cool, and he’s frozen on the spot. Sakusa, who’s sitting a few benches away from where the Atsumu and Kageyama stood, also froze.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama gets the reaction he expected. But he didn't think further from this, he thought Atsumu would continue to act unbothered but he’s wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Atsumu breaks the sudden silence, impatience and anxiety skyrocketing. His eyes are sharp, and he’s ready to throw Kageyama into one of these lockers and keep him there forever. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Haha.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm not any better.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If it comes to this guy, I can't get better.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouyou never mentioned it directly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This makes Atsumu pinch the bridge of his nose as he looked down, Sakusa looked at the two and wanted to pull his friend away from the conversation before anything happens but… he’d be lying if he said that he wasn't curious as to how Atsumu would deal with this kind of situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you tell me what it is I did?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu steps back, and it sparks fear within Sakusa. He tries to stand up from the wooden bench to take Atsumu away but his legs don't move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, Miya.” Kageyama lowers his head. “Tell me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that’s what makes Atsumu click. “You.” He grabbed Kageyama’s shirt and slammed him into one of the lockers, “Really had to come and ruin our lives, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Atsumu…!” Sakusa finally gets up, and he’s about to separate the two when Atsumu gives him a signal that he shouldn't interfere.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did you have to come today? Clearly, you're uninvited. You know that right?” Atsumu pulled Kageyama's shirt and slammed him into the locker again. “Why do you have to keep coming into our lives-?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll stop when you tell me!” Kageyama holds Atsumu’s fist and tries to shake it off, “So tell me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you!” Atsumu makes his free hand into a fist and swings it across Kageyama’s face, touching his cheek and nose. “You should be the one who’s dead, not him!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Use your damn brain, Kageyama.” Atsumu breathed, “Remember what you did. What you did to him. Think of his face, his voice and once you finally remember, don't ever forget. Isn't it obvious? Do you already know and you just refuse to believe it? </span>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span> are the reason why Shouyou changed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You are the reason for all of this.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said tell me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu lets go of Kageyama and shakily sighed. “Remember.” Atsumu steps back, and shudders, wiping his hands aggressively on his jeans. He turned and walked past Sakusa, leaving the locker room.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I thought I was getting better</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Atsumu thought as he stomped towards the lounge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Atsumu!” Sakusa followed behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I guess it was just because there was nothing to make me feel like this.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That fucker just comes and what? everything crumbles.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Atsumu!” Sakusa grabs his friend’s hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>… great.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>by false, it's the false sense of finally moving on from something but in reality, Atsumu's just distracted ---</p><p>short and wonky update but i hope you enjoyed regardless, have a good day</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Paracetamol</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Atsumu shivers, feeling the cool morning air mixing with the air conditioning. He brings the blankets up to his neck to save himself from the cold, he closes his eyes again. It’s just a little over 11, and it’s a weekend so there’s not much to do. He tries to go back to sleep but the headache’s keeping him. He needs his paracetamol.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ok- uhm i created a playlist for this however i am going to release it after a few chapters, after ive cleared out a few things about the characters haha<br/>basically, its not all that obvious yet butttttttt the 5 mains are kind of based on the 5 stages of grief.<br/>it's in this order ;<br/>Kenma&gt;Tsukki&gt;Sakusa&gt;Bokuto&gt;Atsumu<br/>and the playlist's based on their character. so like they have their own songs smh the free time i have on my hands (/._.\)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<em> Tsumu—?” Hinata opened the door to his boyfriend’s dorm, peeking his head to check on the boy. The room is cold and dark. The only light source that existed came from Hinata's back, or from the door's creak. </em><em>“I'm back.” Hinata doesn't get a response, so he gets in quietly and walks to Atsumu’s bed. Atsumu’s covering himself with the blankets. “You sleeping, Tsum?” </em></p><p>
  <em>Atsumu groans, pulling the blankets down so he could see Hinata. He’s squinting, sweaty and out of breath. “Hey, baby…” Seeing his boyfriend automatically makes him sigh a breath of relief. He wants to pull the boy in and hug him forever in silence. But then, he smelled like someone else. And that made Atsumu fight off the urge to pull the boy into the tightest hug ever.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Oh my god, are you okay?” Hinata sits down next to Atsumu’s torso, leaning into Atsumu’s face to check his temperature. Hinata makes his forehead touch with the other's, and Atsumu's skin burning. “Atsumu, you're sick!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah… I know, I had a slight fever when I woke up today.” Atsumu closes his eyes, relaxing into Hinata’s cold hand. “How was your day?” His hands make their way to Hinata's arms so that the ginger would stay in place. With them, close like that, it doesn't make sense, but it made Atsumu feel better already. But of course, that's just his brain doing it's thing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> “That doesn't matter!” Hinata clicks his tongue, starting to regret that he went out with Tsukishima. “Why didn't you tell me? You're so hot..!” Hinata gently shoved his boyfriend's hands off to stand up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata gets off the bed and dashed to the closet, then to the bathroom. He prepares a warm damp towel for his Atsumu, then gets medicine from the cabinet in the bathroom. "Oh, wait, did you eat?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “No.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “The heck is wrong with you?!” Hinata grumbles, returning to Atsumu’s side to put the towel on their forehead. He combs Atsumu’s hair up with his fingers, then he puts the towel there. “I should've stayed and took care of you… why didn't you tell me?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hinata's voice is quiet, regretful and somehow pained. Atsumu doesn't understand that kind of voice of Hinata's. Which one was it? Regretful or in pain? What would they be regretting? Why would they be in pain?</em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I didn't want to ruin your plans.” Atsumu smiles and holds Hinata’s hands, “I didn't think I’d get sick, it was just a headache earlier.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Still!” Hinata raises his voice at Atsumu, “You should've told me. Now look at you…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I'm fine, baby.” Atsumu giggled and pulls Hinata’s hand close to his lips, kissing it gently. “Tell me about your day…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Nothing much happened… we just stayed in a cafe since it was raining…” Hinata trailed, looking down on Atsumu and his rosy cheeks. The redness of it wasn't very obvious because it was dark still. The only light that helped them were the one coming from the bathroom. “Even your hands are hot. You should shower first, I’ll help you.” It's Hinata's turn to kiss Atsumu's hands, so he brings them to his face, kissing Atsumu's fingers then blowing on them. "Why is my baby sick..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Don't wanna…” Atsumu shakes his head, chuckling because of wht Hinata whispered, “I'm also not hungry.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Then what?” Hinata sighed, “You have to drink med-” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “All I need is a hug from my favorite person.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The two look at each other. Atsumu’s smirking while Hinata lifts a brow, letting go of Atsumu's hands to cross his arm as he cocked his head a little to the side. Atsumu laughs. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... stupid.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “So, are you going to hug me or not?” Atsumu pouts. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Be thankful that you're sick.” Hinata pouted as well, and this made Atsumu giggle and open his arms. Hinata adjusts first before leaning in again to hug his boyfriend. “Because if not, I would’ve left the room already.”  A minute later, Hinata’s already beside Atsumu and also under the covers. “You feel so warm…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “And you feel so cold.” Atsumu breathes, hiding his face into Hinata’s neck. “‘s nice.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Sorry I left today… I should've paid more attention to you.” Hinata kisses Atsumu’s cheek, holding the towel so that it would stay on the latter’s forehead. “I should-” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Don't mind me baby.” Atsumu stops Hinata, “This is just for today. My job’s to take care of you,” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “And my job’s to take care of you, too!” Hinata cuts in, “We’re a couple… I'm sorry that I've been so…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “It’s okay, don't be sorry.” Atsumu shifts so he could look Hinata in the eye. “I don't care if you leave to go to Kenma, or Kei, or I don't know, anyone. As long as it makes you feel better, I don't care…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Atsumu, don't you ever get jealous?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Atsumu shakes his head, “No, why would I get jealous? I know that it’s me you love… that’s all that matters to me.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Doesn't it bother you when…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Like I said, I don't care.” Atsumu kisses Hinata’s nose, “I'm not the only person that exists in your world, and your life doesn't revolve around me. I know better, I'm not Kageyama.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “R… right.” Hinata purses his lips and nods. “Yeah. Sorry. It’s not like-” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Shut up.” Atsumu pinches Hinata’s cheek. “Stop worrying.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Okay… sorry.” Hinata comes closer, frowning a little as he buried his face. “I love you…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I love you, too.” Atsumu whispered, kissing Hinata’s hair. “Don't think about unimportant things.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “To be honest, I'm kind of more relieved when you're with someone else. Because sometimes I don't know what to say. And sometimes I doubt that I have the right words. So a lot of times, I'm scared of saying the wrong things, and that I could fuck up.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “That's why you being with Kei, Kenma and Omi, it doesn't bother me… If anything, I feel better because I know you're in the right hands.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You know me. I'm not the best when it comes to making people feel better. I'm used to pissing people off.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata laughs quietly. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “So… stop worrying. And you do you. Because I don't own you, I'm your boyfriend-shouldn't be restricting you or anything. I should be pushing you to be a greater person…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yep.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Atsumu’s not lying. He knows better than anyone. He knows Hinata doesn’t trust him the way he trusts Tsukishima, or Kenma, or Sakusa or Sawamura. And he’s fine with that, like he said, but sometimes he feels like he’s failing as a boyfriend for the latter. In his head, he thinks that it should be him who Hinata finds most comfort in. He thinks that if anything happens to Hinata, it should be him who finds out first, or who Hinata goes to first.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He’s a little bitter because he knows he’s always second. Sometimes third, or even forth. He’s always second to Tsukishima. And again, he’s bitter, but he’s okay with that. Hinata’s known Tsukishima for longer, and… Atsumu doesn’t know how to put it-knowing Hinata, he trusts Tsukishima most because they knew each other since highschool, and Hinata’s mentioned that Tsukishima was always checking on him while he was in Brazil.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> … Brazil. Hinata was on the other side of the world, playing beach volleyball, alone, and eventually with Oikawa, all Atsumu knows is that he was well known there. While… Tsukishima probably knows everything. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Atsumu hates that, but he’s fine with it. However, there are just some times when he thinks that it’s Tsukishima who should be the ‘boyfriend’ and not him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It’s given. He’s jealous. He just denies that fact, or that he just claims that he isn’t. Because if he did say that he was jealous, that wouldn't help them in any way. It would probably be a root to problems, and it could eventually break or lessen the trust Hinata’s built with Atsumu. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Atsumu grew to keep quiet about how he feels because he doesn’t want to be a burden to his boyfriend. He’d want to be everything to his boyfriend, just not a burden. .... in reality, he’s insecure. Because he knows he’s not perfect and that he knows Hinata the least. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> -Undeserving, actually. When next to Tsukishima, he knows that Hinata would pick the latter over him.  And he accepts that. Actually… he’s sure that if Tsukishima asked Hinata out, the ginger would immediately say yes. When… for Atsumu, it took some courting. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He’s used to being in the dark. He’s used to being the second option, despite being a couple with Hinata. He feels like he’s just convenient to keep around. Because everyone knows he’d do anything for Hinata. Not in an obsessive way, but like… in a way to get the boy’s approval, and to let them know that they’d literally do anything. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata tightens his hug around Atsumu. “I kinda like the sick Atsumu. He’s all honest and sweet.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Whatever.” Atsumu rolls his eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “But you should really eat so that you can drink medicine.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Don't care, you're all I need. Like…” Atsumu hums. “Like you're my own special paracetamol.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Pfft. Shut up and get better.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Okay.” Atsumu places his chin on Hinata’s head. “I love you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I know.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “A whole lot.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Do you love me, too?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Are you an idiot? Of course, I do.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Say I love you back.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You’re like a kid, you know that?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “.... yeah. Now, say it back.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I love you, idiot.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Woah…” Atsumu snickers. “I feel better already.” </em>
</p><hr/><p>Atsumu wakes up with a thumping headache, he doesn't get up just yet-his body feels like shit. He rolls to his side, looking over the bedside table to check the time. Beside the digital clock was a picture frame of him and Hinata on their first date.</p><p>“G’morning, Shouyou.” </p><p>Atsumu shivers, feeling the cool morning air mixing with the air conditioning. He brings the blankets up to his neck to save himself from the cold, he closes his eyes again. It’s just a little over 11, and it’s a weekend so there’s not much to do. He tries to go back to sleep but the headache’s keeping him. He needs his paracetamol. He opens his eyes and squints at the ceiling, he curses-wanting to get rid of his head so that he could go back to dreamland. </p><p>Since he can’t, he reaches for his phone and texts Sakusa.</p><p>Miya Atsumu:</p><p>[dude]</p><p>[r u up]</p><p>Sakusa replies after a while.</p><p>Sakusa Kiyoomi:</p><p>[Yes. Why?]</p><p>Miya Atsumu:</p><p>[Did you have lunch/breakast alr?]</p><p>[im starvinggggg eat w me]</p><p>Sakusa Kiyoomi:</p><p>[ok.]</p><p>Miya Atsumu:</p><p>[ok]</p><p>[great ill see u at the cafeteriaaaaaaaaa]</p><p>[ill also ask bokkun, and im showering first so no ruhs]</p><p>[rush]</p><p>Sakusa Kiyoomi:</p><p>[ok]</p><p>Atsumu messages Bokuto next, the boy doesn’t respond until Atsumu’s finished showering and is already getting dressed.</p><p>Bokuto Koutaro:</p><p>[ayyyee]</p><p>[i jwu &gt;:]</p><p>[im hungry tho! So ig ill meet you guys at the cafeteria :))]</p><p>Miya Atsumu:</p><p>[ok good morning bokkun]</p><p>[we’ll wait for you]</p><p>Bokuto Koutaro:</p><p>[okie :D i wont take long.]</p><p>Atsumu finishes fixing his shirt, so he’s now brushing his hair. The headache’s still there, getting worse by the minute. He doesn’t really mind it since he’s used to ignoring such things. That’s just it, he’s used to putting himself last all the time because of Hinata. Now his first priority is everyone else’s state. Especially Bokuto and Sakusa’s. </p><p>He pockets his phone and a paracetamol, pouting as he grabs a mask from the drawer and walks out, going to the cafeteria to meet Sakusa and wait for Bokuto. </p><p>He trudged his way to the cafeteria, eyes on the floor while his mind flew around in the clouds. By the entrance, he’s greeted by Sakusa and they find a table together. The two wait for Bokuto so that they can get their food together. After all, the two know that Bokuto doesn’t really like being left out-even when it’s just getting food. </p><p>“Come on! Let’s go get our food first.” Bokuto says, the moment he arrives. The two nod and get up from the table. As said, they get their food and go back to their table to finally start eating.</p><p>“Sorry, did you two wait long?” Bokuto asks, placing his tray down before sitting. “Akaashi called while I was getting dressed. So I got distracted.”</p><p>“It’s okay, Bokkun. Let’s eat.” Atsumu smiles and removes his mask.</p><p>“Ah, right. Why’re you wearing a mask?” Sakusa asks, spritzing alcohol on his hands before touching the chopsticks. </p><p>“Oh. It’s just that I think I’m coming down with a fever, no big deal.” Atsumu sighs and picks his chopsticks up.</p><p>“Make sure to drink medicine.” Sakusa says before he digs in.</p><p>“Yeah....”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>yall know the drill. wonky and short but i hope you enjoyed regarless!<br/>have a nice day i wuv u<br/>-<br/>atsumu, during the whole chapter: yeah<br/>-<br/>also, haha, im not going to write for a while. uhh school is starting soon and i think my slump's getting worse. ill try to update every now and then andlike? ill prolly update within a month or so.<br/>thanks to those who asked if i was doing better, and i kinda am :) its just that im my brain:knows no words rn so like yea ahahah kbye love u</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Angel (1/3)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He walks, and he just lets his feet lead him. He doesn't mind wherever they bring him. He just wants to be alone and feel the cold breeze that blew. Eventually, he finds himself standing in the middle of a bridge that holds him above deep water.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Time to progress into the story as i am sure that ive given enough insight about /most/ characters. So , let’s start- shall we? :) Today i offer hinata! this comes in 3 parts.<br/>⚠️ WARNING ⚠️ : suicidal thoughts</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“... Tsum?” The ginger called, huskily, as he crawled out of the covers to turn on the lamp on the bedside table. Hinata sat, pressing on his eyes before rubbing on them tiredly. <em> Ah, my back. </em>He thought with a long hiss, then his hands fell into his lap. He lies back down, eyes going to the wall to check the clock. It’s past 11, but the sun isn’t shining outside. It seems to be a cloud day, perfect for a movie marathon, or a game in the field.</p><p>Or, to just lie in bed and sleep until he feels okay again. He could do that, he should probably do that, but that would take years of sleep. He doesn’t have that much time, or patience. Hinata’s hands roam around the bed, looking for his journal. He finds it eventually, he finds it under his pillow. Out of habit, he opens it and Kageyama’s picture falls on his face. He throws it on the floor, flipping through pages with his thumb and stopping on a random number.</p><p>He finds himself on a page full of scribbles and stray thoughts he wrote. It was also a cloudy day then. On the used paper, there were statements such as “<em> oh, i want to sleep forever </em> ” and “ <em> what would happen to them? </em>”</p><p>The page was filled with meaningless and aimless notes. On one corner was a drawing of a volleyball, on the other was clouds covering the sun. On the bottom of the page, it said “<em> On days like this I want to run away.” </em></p><p><em> … Indeed. </em>The melancholy weather makes Hinata feel more somber than usual. And it’s obviously not a good thing, so on days like these he tries to surround himself with positivity. Today, however… he wants to just hide away and rot away quietly. And Atsumu wouldn’t let him do that, Hinata’s sure the boy checked the weather forecast for the whole week. Because today Atsumu planned to go see the flowers that were blooming in a nearby park with him. Hinata wants to stay indoors and not outdoors. Since Atsumu wasn’t in the room, he was probably getting food. The boy slept over and usually, on days he stayed over, Atsumu wouldn’t leave until Hinata woke up because he thinks that the first thing Hinata would feel is loneliness. Well, he’s not wrong, but… it’s not just loneliness. </p><p>“Oh, hey! Good morning, Shou.” Hinata hears after the creaking of his door. Hinata only hums in return, and Atsumu sits beside him, kissing his forehead. “Reading first thing in the morning?”<br/>Hinata kisses Atsumu’s neck lightly in return.</p><p>“Mh-hm…” The boy rolls to his side, “What did you get?” </p><p>“Are you hungry?” Atsumu asks first, opening the paper bag he brought in.</p><p>The ginger sits up, “... not really.” His answer is what Atsumu expected, and despite this, Atsumu huffs. “... sorry.” Hinata puts his journal down, his boyfriend takes it and sets it aside.</p><p>“No, don’t be sorry. At least, you’re eating.” Atsumu gets a sandwich and hands it to his boyfriend. “How are you feeling?” It’s obvious at first glance, Hinata looks like he doesn’t want to go anywhere today. Hinata shrugs, taking the sandwich and opening it.</p><p>“Can we..”</p><p>“Let’s stay and sleep.” Atsumu says before anything else. Hinata purses his lips and holds Atsumu’s hand. “Hm?”</p><p>“Actually… I want to be alone today.” Hinata gives Atsumu a wistful smile, “Sorry. Let’s hang out tomorrow?”</p><p>“Okay.” Atsumu leans in to kiss his boyfriend's tiny nose affectionately. “Don't be sorry, Shouyou. I understand.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Hinata looks down and fondled with his hands. “See you later or something.”</p><p>“Of course, I love you.” Atsumu gives Hinata’s hand a firm grip before letting go, and leaving the room. The moment Hinata hears the door close, the ginger collapses on the mattress, letting out the longest sigh ever.</p><p>“Love you, too.” Hinata whispers, closing his eyes. He gets under the covers, wrapping himself in the warmth it offered. Despite the heavy blankets, he still felt cold. The heat he so much craved for, he doesn't know where to get it from. This energy that radiated within him before was long gone. Because of that, everyday began to dull. </p><p>It just disappeared in a snap, like a small candle light being pressed in between damp fingers. Gone, leaving no trace behind. Everyone Hinata tried to surround himself with, acted as matches, or lighters. But at the end of the day, it’s all the same.</p><p>Today he doesn't want to act like he’s okay. It doesn't help. It never will. In all honesty, he just wants everything to end. Swiftly, like that candle light that was no longer.</p><p>
  <em> I want to go out. But where will I go? </em>
</p><p>“... maybe a walk would help me.” He says to himself, getting up and showering. After showering, he gets into layered clothing. As he got dressed, he took his watch from the bedside table. While putting it on, his eyes are locked on his journal. </p><p>He bites his bottom lip, sitting on the bed slowly and taking it. He grabs a pen from one of the drawers, he opens it, clicks the pen and points it down on a new blank page. No thoughts arrived, so Hinata sat there for seconds until slowly closing the textbook. With his head in his hands, elbows leaning on the knees, he tried to think of something. Anything. Just not anything that would push him to do what he’s so desperately trying to ignore. He takes a deep breath, then releases the oxygen his lungs collected shakily. He stands up, pockets his phone, and leaves the dorm unnoticed.</p><p>He walks, and he just lets his feet lead him. He doesn't mind wherever they bring him. He just wants to be alone and feel the cold breeze that blew. Eventually, he finds himself standing in the middle of a bridge that holds him above deep water.</p><p>He doesn't even realize that he’s been walking for over 30 minutes. He stops in his tracks, looking over the metal railing to see the water that reflects almost everything visible. He walks towards the railing and leaned on it, he looks at his reflection.</p><p>The water isn't still, it’s constantly moving in one direction. It’s clear, so Hinata can see different kinds of fish that are swimming. There’s Kois, Catfishes… that's all he can name. </p><p>Hinata bites the dry flesh surrounding the nail on his thumb. His vision blurs, because he wants it to, and he just completely zones out. With his other hand, he grips on the journal, his mind is still blank, so there’s nothing he can write.</p><p>Somehow, he feels sorry for himself.</p><p>He wants to write. He just doesn't know what. His thoughts are completely empty.</p><p>
  <em> What if I jump? </em>
</p><p>Hinata’s vision goes back to normal, eyes now looking closely at the deep waters. </p><p>
  <em> Would anyone miss me? </em>
</p><p>His biting continues, and he’s starting to taste something metallic.</p><p><em>If I jump, will anyone be sad? Would anyone notice the space I leave behind? If I jump, and drown, would anyone be sad?</em> <em>Would anyone’s life change?</em></p><p>He doubted the new train of thoughts that enveloped him in negativity. His thumb began to bleed, but he didn't notice this.</p><p>
  <em> Would Atsumu be mad? Would Kei be sad? Would Kenma, Sakusa, Bokuto… Kageyama… would they… would they miss me? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Would Natsu be okay? Would my mom cry? </em>
</p><p>Hinata drops his journal on the floor, grabbing his hair and shuts his eyes, squeezing them closed.</p><p>
  <em> I want to jump. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I want the pain to end. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I'm not okay. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I can't be okay. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Like this. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I can't do this anymore. </em>
</p><p>“Excuse me?” Hinata hears, barely. And it’s what pulls him from his trance. Hinata opens his eyes, turning to where he heard the voice as his hands fall to his sides. “Sorry. Are you okay?” It’s a girl, a high schooler. She’s tall, but shorter than Hinata. Black long hair and calm iris eyes. She was pretty.</p><p>“... yeah.” Hinata answers after a little. The girl stands next to him, leaning her back on the railing. “Were you thinking about doing it?”</p><p>“What?” Hinata looks at the water again.</p><p>“Jumping.” The girl answers, voice low. “You were shaking.” </p><p>“Would you believe me if I said that I was having a seizure?” Hinata tries to make an excuse. He didn't want to pour his problems to a girl, a pretty high schooler, no less. “I wasn't.”</p><p>“Alright… good to hear.” The girl looks down to her feet and notices the journal on the floor. She kneels down to pick it up. “Is this yours?” She points on edge to Hinata.</p><p>“Oh. Yeah, thanks.” Hinata takes it from her and bows lightly. “... shouldn't you be at school?”</p><p>“Yep. But school is boring.” She says naturally, sighing as she finishes. “I was thinking about jumping to relieve my parents from their sorrows.” This makes Hinata look at her quickly. “But then I saw you.”</p><p>“... and?”</p><p>“Seeing you shaking like that, with your bloody thumb. I thought that you wanted to end it, and thinking of someone losing their life… even if it’s a stranger, made me sad.”</p><p>“I don't really understand.” Hinata looks at his thumb, and the girl’s right. It’s bleeding.</p><p>“It’s okay. I hope you're really okay.” </p><p>“I… am.” Hinata keeps his thumb under all his other fingers. “You shouldn't think about jumping here. Or anywhere. If you want to help your parents, finish school and achieve something they’d be proud of.”</p><p>“... yeah. No need to say that. I thought of it while I was walking towards you.”</p><p>“I see.”</p><p>The girl chuckles and gets her wallet. Then she takes out a plain bandaid and gives it to Hinata. “Here, for your thumb.”</p><p>“Oh.” Hinata smiles, “Thank you.”</p><p>“You're welcome!” The girl smiles back. “Want me to put it on for you?”</p><p>“No, it’s fine.” Hinata takes the bandaid and pockets it, “What’s your name?”</p><p>“Sorry, I don't really like older men.” The girl stands up with a <em> hup. </em></p><p>“What? I’m just asking for your name!” </p><p>The girl laughs. “Nevermind me.” Then she bows. “I have to go now. Classes.” </p><p>“... right.” </p><p>“Thank you. If I see you here again I’m going to kick you.”</p><p>“What?!”</p><p>“<em> Hehe, </em> kidding.” The girl brushes a strand of her hair and tucks it behind her ear. “Bye.”</p><p>“... bye.”</p><p>The girl smiles for the last time, and she walks off the bridge. The moment she’s out of sight, Hinata opens his journal to finally write something.</p><p>“<em> Today, I met an angel…” </em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Brazil (2/3)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"maybe a new atmosphere, and new people and ofc, new food and things… maybe it’ll help me forget. or move on. or finally accept what happened."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ok haha next chapter is heavy af :)<br/>today's ch has a lot of diary entriess, mainly bc i wanted to put everything into one chapter alr. soooo im not sure but this might end in 3-5 chapters. and those chapters could be extremely heavy so please prepare yourselvess. im sorry in advance (if i hurt any of u). i love you all</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<em> Today I met an angel.” </em>Was the intro of today’s page. It was a little over midnight, it was raining outside, and along with the pitter pattering were the sound of the radio. Kageyama laid on his bed, holding the diary above his face while he read it.</p><p>“<em> She was pretty. Tall, black hair, pale skin, clear mauve eyes that I wouldn't mind getting lost in. But! not in a way that means I'm in love. I mean, I don't mind getting lost in them because in her eyes… I found peace. She was a high schooler skipping classes. And she told me that she was supposed to jump today.” </em></p><p>Under the paragraph was an unused band aid. Then beside it was an arrow, coming from a small text that said “<em> she gave me this for my thumb :)” </em></p><p><em> So that explains the blood… </em> Kageyama thought, taking a proper look at the page. There were drops of blood here and there, and the writing was messier than usual. <em> He hurt his thumb? </em></p><p>“<em> And in the process, she ended up saving me… she told me a little bit, and I hope she's doing better now. I hope she grows up into a fine lady, and makes her parents proud. She’s an angel, because she was the one who pulled me out of my thoughts. My thoughts that were pushing me to end it today. I’m standing by the bridge as I'm writing this, and… I dunno.” </em></p><p>
  <em> There's a tornado scribble after the sentences. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I guess today’s not the day to do it. Atsumu and I were supposed to go out, we didn't go with the plan because… I'm not feeling well. I don't think I’ll ever be well.” </em>
</p><p>Kageyama shifts in his bed, rolling to his side as he pulls one side of the notebook behind the other so that it would be easier to hold. Under the last statement was a lot of space. And eventually Hinata’s writing continued.</p><p>“<em> As I'm writing this, I’m thinking about writing letters. For everyone. Tsum, Kei, Omi, Bokkun, Kenma, Daichi, Oikawa. For everyone. If I ever do it one day, I don't want them to wonder what happened and where it all went wrong.” </em></p><p>“<em> I think they deserve that much. To know. What I’ve been feeling, how long I’ve been holding it back. And how thankful I am for being able to live a life blessed enough to have friends such as them.” </em></p><p>
  <em> “For sure, if I actually… do it. And those letters are sent, or maybe even found. I hope the letters are enough. For closure, goodbyes and thank yous.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I actually wrote Atsumu one the other day, but I threw it away because I ended up rambling. And… to be honest, while I wrote it… it just kept telling me not to do it. To continue on living just so that I wouldn't place a burden or weight over Atsumu’s shoulders. I think Atsumu would blame himself if something were to happen to me. So in the letter, I wrote that he was one of the reasons why I’ve been holding on for so long. Which is true, however he feels too responsible for me sometimes when… to me, he shouldn't mind me like he does because he’s wasting his time. I love him, he helps, and that should be enough. But… it’s just not.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “See, I'm rambling again. I can't properly say things that go in my mind. It’s stupid.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “If I write letters… should I give one to Kageyama?” Followed by this are a lot of question marks. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Maybe I should write what he did. And that, it’s okay because I forgive him.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “But I don't really forgive him 100%. If I did, I would be fine now. And, as you can see, journal, I am far from fine. Like Japan to Brazil far. Probably even farther, but you get the point!” </em>
</p><p>A drawing of a cloud, or a puff of air or smoke is drawn beside a springy arrow. It’s most likely a sigh.</p><p>“<em> Maybe I shouldn't. Should I leave the world without saying another thing to Kageyama? hmm” </em></p><p>
  <em> “just kidding. i cant do that to him. i probably should. but haha attachment issues :b” </em>
</p><p>“<em> I'm going home back to the dorms. I feel sleepy. and its so cold already.” </em></p><p>
  <em> “Until then :)” </em>
</p><p>“So did he write… letters or not…?” Kageyama asks the journal, closing it and slipping it under his pillow. He sighs, closing his eyes. </p><p>It’s obvious, it's very obvious, and he’s not denying it anymore. The fact that he’s the reason why Hinata killed himself. Tsukishima said it, Daichi has, one way or another, the glares he received from Sakusa and Akaashi. He didn't expect it from Akaashi. What he did must be a ticket to hell. It most likely is.</p><p>Kageyama’s eyes opened again, because he can't sleep with all these words in his head. He sits up, palming his forehead that began to hurt. </p><p><em> “Kageyama, you can't do this to me.” </em>Echoed in his head, it was Hinata from their last conversation. Their last fight. The last time their eyes met and shared the same space.</p><p>“<em> Do what? Hinata, I can't understand you!” </em> Followed, it was himself shouting at Hinata. A breath later he’s back in the past.</p><p>
  <em> Tears streamed down Hinata’s face, lips quivering as he tried to stop his sobbing. “I’m sorry, Kageyama, I just.. I just can’t. It’s difficult-” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Difficult to hug me?! Are you hearing yourself? You stopped holding hands with me, you don't want to come over to sleep anymore-what?! What is suddenly difficult, huh?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata’s weeping continued, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Okay..? Please, hold on, let me breathe.” The boy covered his face, taking deep breaths in an attempt to stop crying. While doing so, Kageyama stepped closer to take Hinata’s hands. Instead of melting into his touch, Hinata flinched and pushed his boyfriend away. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What the fuck is your problem?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You disgust me!” Hinata says, then he covers his mouth. “No, no, wait. That’s not what I was meant to say-” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You know what? I don't care anymore.” Kageyama turns to leave Hinata, but the boy grabs his arm.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Wait! Let m-me explain. Please? Kageyama-please…!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Leave me alone, Hinata.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Please. Kageyama. Please.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kageyama looked at Hinata, and the hand that held his own shook. From Hinata’s hand, to his eyes that were welling with tears. “Leave me alone.” Kageyama calmly pushes Hinata’s hand off. “Hinata, I'm tired.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Kageyama, I can explain.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Don’t. Leave me the fuck alone. Don't come near me anymore.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “No,” Hinata begged. “Please, listen to me! Just.. just this once. Listen to what I have to say-please? Listen, okay?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I said leave me alone! Go with Atsumu, or whoever the fuck you want now!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Kageyama.” Hinata tried to grab Kageyama’s hand again, but he paused-letting a shaky breath out first before speaking again. “I'm sorry. Okay? It’s just-” Hinata steps back, holding his head. “I’m sorry. Please talk to me.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kageyama doesn't say anything. He just stands there, watching Hinata try to compose himself.  </em>
</p><p> <em> “You really aren't going to talk?” Hinata frowns, then he scratches his nape. “If that’s what you want, fine. I’m not going to chase you anymore. I’m.. done with you. I can’t do this anymore.” </em></p><p>
  <em> Hinata leaves first. He leaves Kageyama standing there, watching his back. Who knew it would be the last time? </em>
</p><p>Kageyama is woken up by the strain in his heart. Then his senses revert, and he hears his alarm blaring on his desk. He sits up to stop it, then he lies back down.</p><p>“He was trying to tell me something.” He said, moderately, slowly, as if trying to prove a fact. “What was it…?”</p><p>He gets Hinata’s journal to read it again. He flips through the pages he’s already read, then he arrives at the number he read yesterday. </p><p>The date written above is 3 days after the last entry, and it starts off with a simple note.</p><p>“<em> I finished writing the letters. </em>”</p><p>And it continued, </p><p>“<em> I wrote 16, I think. I should write more.” </em></p><p>
  <em> “Tsum, Omi, Kei, Daichi, Bokkun, Kenma” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Then Yachi, Kiyoko, Tanaka, Nishinoya, Asahi, Sugawara” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Ukai, Takeda, mom and Natsu” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “kageyama’s letter is in the making. idk if i should continue it.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “While I wrote it helped me remember such wonderful, beautiful memories.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “my fulfilling years in karasuno, brazil, getting into msby, debuting. i remembered the challenges ive faced, just to get here” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “and… should i throw all that away just because of what i feel? because of what yama did to me” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i swear i'm the most selfish person ever” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... i wrote the letters, i dont know if i should send them. i should give myself another chance. no?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “yesterday, i met with oikawa. he met with me, first thing since he got back.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “talking to him made me feel at ease. being with him reminded me of the sand that lingered on my feet in brazil during beach volleyball” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i miss brazil. i told him, and he said that i should come back with him. it was funny. he told me to just take a break from msby for a month maybe. then we can just keep playing beach volleyball to our hearts’ content” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “it sounded like a fairytale” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “and yes. i want to go with him” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i probably should go to brazil. what do you think, journal?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “maybe ill do better there. maybe i could finally feel okay if i go there” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i miss a lot of my friends there” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “and hahaha” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “oikawa called me ninja shouyou. i missed that” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “.... maybe i should go to brazil after all? i could take atsumu with me” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “and tsukki and bokkun and omi” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “even if they just stay for a while.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i want to go to brazil.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i should go to brazil. im meeting with oikawa again later! i should talk to him!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i want to go to brazil!!!!!!” </em>
</p><p>Kageyama goes to the next page. It's a new entry, 2 days after the previous entry.</p><p>“<em> I?? might actually?? go to brazil?????” </em></p><p>
  <em> “oikawa said that he would help me with everything. i havent talked with atsumu yet, but i already checked the plane tickets.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “the letters i wrote, i hid them away in the box under my bed.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “tsum, if i ever die. lol that sounds so wicked.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “if anything happens to me, i know my diary will end up with you. so there you have it. theres a letter for everyone under my bed in the dorm. read it if you want, and my last favor will be… please give the letters to everyone else.” </em>
</p><p><em> “i dont think he’ll have to. oikawa gave me hope. </em> <b> <em>i want to go to brazil</em> </b> <em> ” </em></p><p>Kageyama sits up. It continues in the next page.</p><p>“<em> Tsum and I r going on a date overmorrow and im going to tell him about my plan on going to brazil!” </em></p><p>
  <em> “i hope he wants to go w me hahah” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “that would be nice! going somewhere far away w someone you love” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “if i go to brazil i really think that it would help me. i need a break from all this. surely ill stop hearing from kageyama in brazil, too” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “maybe a new atmosphere, and new people and ofc, new food and things… maybe it’ll help me forget. or move on. or finally accept what happened.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “im going to tell tsukki first. tomorrow im going to surprise him! heheheheh” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “thinking about brazil alone makes me happy! its been awhile since i felt this light” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i have to go. im going to eat lunch with iwaizumi and oikawa. bye!” </em>
</p><p>As Kageyama read the last line, questions started to circulate. <em>If Hinata was really planning on going to Brazil, what happened?</em> <em>Why did he still… kill himself? </em></p><p>He looks at the date, this day is before his death. So tomorrow, in Hinata’s timeline, he’s going to meet Tsukishima. And… Kageyama peeks, it’s the last entry.</p><p>
  <em> Why did he still… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m at Kei’s now, he’s outside getting snacks hehe” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I told him about brazil. he said that it was a good idea, and that he would like to come along if i really do go there.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “brazil!!!!” Followed by Hinata is Tsukishima’s handwriting in english, “brazil” </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so in case yall didnt realize-in journal time (thats a thing)-hinata dies tomorrow. so yes, next chapter is very heavy. not heavier than  banana fish tho.<br/>anyways, kag's character song is 3 AM by Finding Hope</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Hope (3/3)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>prepare those tissues! and i hope yall mentally prepared for this...........<br/>WARNING: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH (as if no one knew that tho)<br/>I tried to make this chapter as smooth and as carefully as possible, and I chose this draft to be the one I show to everyone bc one, it's quick. two, it isnt as dramatic as i intended but yea... it's still dramatic... and three, it's the easiest way to show that... &gt;end notes<br/>I hope you enjoy regardless of the tears you shed.<br/>Anyway, Hinata's character song is "Remember Me" by UMI. Try to listen to it after reading and just like, trying to imagine the things that were going on :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hinata put on his favorite hoodie before heading out to catch the first flight to Sendai. <em>To surprise Tsukishima, and, just because.</em> Buying flight tickets to Sendai and Tokyo has become too normal. He buys them without thinking, or any second thoughts. It’s just natural now because one, he has the money, and two, he has a lot of friends that just aren’t in Osaka. It’s a Saturday, so Hinata knows that Tsukishima isn’t doing anything. And wouldn’t mind it if he were ever to come over. </p><p>He grabs the sports bag he usually uses and calls a cab, leaving the dorms at such an early hour. The sun isn’t even up, yet. His cab comes, and it takes him to the airport. Once in the airport, he buys the ticket to Sendai and waits until boarding.</p><p>Approximately three hours later, he’s standing in front of Tsukishima’s apartment. He’s about to ring the doorbell, but before he could, the front door opens. There’s Tsukishima, leaning on the door frame, still in his nightwear. Hinata smiles and tilts his head, “How’d you know?”</p><p>“Your story on IG.” Tsukishima answers and yawns, walking to the gate to open it for Hinata, “Good morning.”</p><p>“Good morning.” Hinata returns, then walks in with Tsukishima. “What time did you wake up?”</p><p>“Just a while ago.” Tsukishima scratched his neck, “I’m going to take a shower.”</p><p>“Should I make you breakfast?” Hinata asks, giggling as he pats his friend’s fluffy hair. Tsukishima just nods and smiles. </p><p>The two part ways, Hinata goes to the kitchen to make breakfast while Tsukishima goes to the bathroom to take a shower. He can sense that Hinata’s a little livelier than usual. Which is a good thing, the ginger probably has something to tell him. He thinks it’s something good. Seeing Hinata like this made Tsukishima sigh, but in relief. It was a good sight, and Hinata’s smile. Tsukishima’s day is already complete.</p><p>After 30 minutes, the two of them are sitting at the table together. Hinata just made a simple japanese breakfast. Equal parts Tamago Kake Gohan were put into two different bowls, on the side was miso soup and fried tuna. Then, green tea. </p><p>“Thanks for making breakfast.” Tsukishima picks his chopsticks up and takes a part of the tuna. “How is our Hinata?”</p><p>“I’m thinking about going to Brazil!” Hinata beamed, also picking up his chopsticks but he didn't start eating just yet. “OIkawa’s back, but only for a while and he asked me to go back to Brazil with him!”</p><p>“... okay, and…?” Tsukishima says and tries his best not to choke on the rice that’s in the middle of his esophagus. </p><p>“I really <em> want </em>to go, so come with me!” Hinata picks on the egg yolk, “I just thought that going to Brazil after so long would help. You know? I told you how much I loved it there, and I also mentioned that thinking about beach volleyball puts me in ease. Imagine actually being on a beach in Brazil! I think I’d feel like I’m in heaven.” </p><p>“I see.” Tsukishima sips from his green tea.</p><p>“If I go to Brazil, would you come with me?”</p><p>“Anytime.” Tsukishima’s lips curl.</p><p>“Do you think you can go?” Hinata pouts a little, eyes turning to the ceiling. </p><p>“I can always escape.” Tsukishima puts more food into his mouth, “You’re <em> that </em>important to me.”</p><p>“... what if I don’t ever want to go back here?”</p><p>Tsukishima looks at Hinata, their eyes don’t meet. But Tsukishima’s used to that, so he just waits until Hinata’s ready. He doesn’t say anything just yet.</p><p>“What if I actually settle down there? I mean, I could retire from professional volleyball, and just live my days meditating, playing beach volleyball when I can, you know… surround myself with new people like I’m not Hinata Shouyou anymore.”</p><p>“... if you want to do that, what’s stopping you?”</p><p>Hinata huffs, placing the tip of his chopsticks in between his lips. “A lot. I thought about it a lot-”</p><p>“How about just taking a break for now?” Tsukishima intervenes, “And if you really want to stay there, just say so. I think everyone would understand.”</p><p>“You think so, too? Oikawa said the same…” </p><p>Their eyes finally meet, and Tsukishima pokes Hinata’s cheek playfully. “Yes. Don’t rush, you know?”</p><p>“Okay… let’s go to Brazil.”</p><p>“Should we?” Tsukishima says softly and continues eating. Hinata starts eating as well, so the conversation ends there. A little later, Tsukishima and Hinata are cleaning the dishes, and after, the two are lying in bed. Just listening to music.</p><p>“You’re the first to know about my plan.” Hinata says out of nowhere, while he’s lying prone, eyes stuck to his phone. He’s scrolling through his social media apps. “I’m telling Tsum tomorrow. I hope he agrees.”</p><p>Tsukishima disregards the fact that he’s again the first person to know about what’s going on in Hinata’s life. He purses his lips and turns to the wall, “I think he will. I mean, it’s <em> you </em>.”</p><p>“Volleyball’s everything to him.” Hinata mutters.</p><p>“No, Shouyou, you’re everything to him. You really are an idiot.”</p><p>Hinata kicks Tsukishima, but only lightly. “Ah, shut up.” Hinata crawls to the side to get his bag, he fishes for his journal and pencil case. “I’m going to write.” </p><p>Tsukishima turns to Hinata, grabbing a pillow to rest his chin there. “What are you going to write about?”</p><p>“You know, the usual. Today.” Hinata trailed as he opened his journal.</p><p>“Been a while since I last read it.” Tsukishima looks at the cover. </p><p>“You don’t need to, cos…” Hinata gets a pen, “Everything that’s put here, you know already.”</p><p>“Really?” </p><p>“Yes, sir.” Hinata looks at the blank page. “You know…”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p><em> The letters. They’re the only thing you don’t know about. And the girl I met. </em> “... nothing.” Hinata shakes his head. <em> If I told Kei, he would get mad at me, I think. </em>“Hey… if anything happens,” Hinata looks at Tsukishima, and he just adores the blonde’s flawless face. He’s not wearing his glasses, so he looks a little different. A little cuter. “I know that this would end up with Tsum Tsum, but I want you to have it.”</p><p>“... what do you mean ‘if anything happens’, what would happen to you?” Tsukishima sits up to put Hinata’s hair up, because it was in his eyes. “Nothing’s going to happen to you.”</p><p>“I said if, okay.” Hinata sighs, not minding what Tsukishima’s doing. “Ask for my journal, I want it to belong to you.”</p><p>“Don’t you think Atsumu would be deserving of it more?”</p><p>“... I don’t want him to know how ugly my mind is.” Hinata takes Tsukishima’s hands after his hair is in a messy elastic. “Only you know me, like, inside out. So i want you to have it.”</p><p>“... whatever. It’s not like anything’s going to happen to you, so I’m going to discard this conversation. I’m going to get snacks because weird things are happening to your brain.”</p><p>Hinata just giggles, “Sounds good. I want something sweet.”</p><p>“Right, right.” Tsukishima sits up with a sigh, getting out of bed to get snacks. He’s gone for just a few minutes, and while he was out, Hinata only managed to write about 2 lines. He couldn’t really think of anything important to think about. So, he ends up writing ‘<em> Brazil’. </em> Tsukishima comes back with candies and a box of butter cookies. He places them on the table, and Hinata grabs one of the delicious butter cookies. He sat by the desk, while Tsukishima sat on the bed with a loly in his mouth. He takes Hinata’s diary to check the page. He gets the pen and writes ‘ <em> Brazil </em>’ in english, below Hinata’s own writing. Then he closes it, “When do you plan to go to Brazil.”</p><p>“Next week maybe?” Hinata answers while he’s chewing. It’s just one of his bad habits. He gets another one once he’s finished the cookie he first picked. “If I could go now, I would.”</p><p>“Should I start packing then?” Tsukishima lies back down, getting a pillow to embrace. </p><p>“Maybe?” Hinata snickers. “I already checked the plane tickets, next week’s pretty cheap.” The boy rubs his hands on his clothes to get rid of the crumbs on his hands, then asks Tsukishima to hand him his phone. Once handed, he turns it on. “It’s weird, I’m actually looking forward to something.”</p><p>Hinata’s words bring a big smile to Tsukishima’s face. He gets his glasses quickly to properly look at Hinata, and he wasn’t disappointed. Hinata was looking at his phone with a subtle, but genuine smile. He was beautiful, with the sun rays resting on his back and reflecting off his hair. It was art, life literally imitates art. Tsukishima sneakily takes a photo of Hinata. </p><p>“Don’t.” Hinata says, continuing to swipe on his phone. He didn’t even look at Tsukishima and he knew.</p><p>“Aw, but the background is so pretty.” Tsukishima drops his phone, “I like taking pictures of the things behind you.” </p><p>“Whatever.” Hinata scoffs.</p><p>“Shouyou,” Tsukishima closes his eyes. “I think you going to Brazil is the best option. Seeing you smile even when just thinking about it. I can already see that it’s helping. So, no matter what anyone says,<em> go there </em> . If you’re worried about going alone, <em> don’t worry </em> , because I’m here, and I’m going wherever you, whenever <em> you </em>go.”</p><p>“Kei…”</p><p>“So, you’re gonna be a tour guide for a few weeks.” Hinata chuckles to this, and Tsukishima continues. “And… I really hope that as the more time passes, you start to <em> genuinely </em>feel better. And eventually, you’re going to wake up one day, feeling light as a feather, and as happiest as you can be…”</p><p>“I hope that one day, you’ll be able to look at that bastard…” He opens his eyes to look at Hinata who’s squinting at him. Tsukishima snickers, “And you won’t feel anything. No baggage, no attachments, no nothing. You’re just going to see another ordinary man walking the Earth.”</p><p>“You deserve… literally <em> everything… </em>in this world.” Tsukishima sighs, and he feels the space beside him sink. “I hope that in Brazil, you’ll feel really happy.”</p><p>“... Thank you, Kei.” Hinata covers his face with his forearm casually, he feels his eyes slowly well with tears. “I hope so, <em> too </em>.”</p><p>The two laid there in silence, until they drift off. Times like these are the times Tsukishima wishes that a pause and rewind button existed. He wants to relive the moment he sees Hinata smile, over and over again, without ever getting used to it. He’s sleeping beside the ginger, and for the first time in so long, he isn’t worried.</p><p>As the night arrives, the two wake up. And it’s time for Hinata to leave, as his flight is in 30 minutes or so. The boy takes a shower and gets changed into the clothes he packed first. And of course, he had dinner with Tsukishima before leaving. </p><p>“Let me drive you.” Tsukishima says as he leaves the dirty dishes on the sink. </p><p>“Okay.” Hinata smiles. The two of them walk to the front and Tsukishima quickly grabs his keys and locks up. They're on the way to the airport, and Hinata’s still nodding off. </p><p>“Buy coffee or something before you board.” Tsukishima says as he stops his parking by the drop off.</p><p>“Yep~” Hinata takes his seatbelt off. “Thanks for today, come to Osaka next time, okay?”</p><p>“Roger that.” Tsukishima smiles, “Good luck tomorrow.”</p><p>“Yes! See you, drive safe.” Hinata says before closing the door, then they wave to each other while Hinata’s walking towards the entrance.</p><p><em> I want to live. </em> He thought, now he’s in the plane. <em> I really want to continue living my life now. </em> </p><p>He’s thirty minutes away from Osaka, and he’s chatting with Atsumu.</p><p>Tsum:</p><p>[Miss youuuuuu]</p><p>Paracetamol:</p><p>[Miss you too! &lt;3]</p><p>Tsum:</p><p>[should i pick you up?]</p><p>Paracetamol:</p><p>[no need, honey]</p><p>[its traffic right?]</p><p>[ill take a cab]</p><p>[instead, let’s just meet up at our favorite cafe!]</p><p>[tell omi and bokkun to come as well hehe]</p><p>[my treat!]</p><p>Tsum:</p><p>[oooho? Is there an occasion?]</p><p>Paracetamol:</p><p>[nope! Just happy :D]</p><p>Tsum:</p><p>[love that for you, baby]</p><p>[tell me about it later, okay?]</p><p>[you should get some shut eye before landing]</p><p>[tell me once you land! See you in a bit]</p><p>Paracetamol:</p><p>[yes yes hehe]</p><p>[okay! Drive safe later]</p><p>Tsum:</p><p>[i love you]</p><p>Paracetamol:</p><p>[i love you toooo]</p><p>Hinata puts his phone down, leaning back into his seat. There’s still a smile on his face, it felt ridiculous. But he’s missed this. Feeling happy. For simple reasons. As his boyfriend said, he tried to get some shut eye. He wakes up when the plane lands and now Hinata’s walking outside the airport.</p><p><em> Ahh, this feels so weird! </em> He thought while he walked, gripping on the black strap of his sports bag. <em> I want to get to Brazil soon! I want to play beach volleyball, party, breathe-I want to sit in the sand and the night sky by the beach. </em> He’s walking towards the outside of the airport since there weren’t any taxis in the waiting line. He didn’t mind walking, since he didn’t really feel tired. <em> There’s a lot of things I want to do, suddenly. It… feels unusual. </em> Hinata giggles to himself, cheeks reddening as he felt overflowing with hope for the first time in so long. <em> I want to live- </em></p><p>“Hey! <b>WATCH OUT!</b>”</p><p>“Huh?” Hinata tries to look where the sound came from, but he is greeted by a blinding light, and deafening horning. Then everything goes black, and suddenly, he feels so much pain at once that it’s like it’s all there ever is. <em> Wait, </em>he tried to open his eyes, but couldn’t. He tries to move, but the intolerable pain he felt kept him. He tried to breathe-but trying… hurt. It’s like he forgot how to, as if he wasn’t breathing for over 20 years.</p><p>“Hey! Oh my god, oh-are you okay?!”</p><p>“S-someone! Call an ambulance!”</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“Is there an accident?!”</p><p>“Call an ambulance!”</p><p>“He just walked into the road!”</p><p>“Boy! Wake up! <em> Wake up!” </em></p><p>“Someone, help us!”</p><p>After the pain, he felt cold. Like he was drowning in something. The voices he heard started to echo, until they eventually faded. He felt everything in him leave, his breath, his tears, his soul. <em> Why… now when… </em></p><p>After the cold, there was nothing. At all. He didn’t feel the weight of his body, nor his lungs being filled with air repeatedly. He heard nothing, he saw nothing, he felt nothing. Somehow it didn’t make him panic, like it was all natural. Maybe it was because he’s been in the darkness for far too long. </p><p>
  <em> I want to live…  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> … Want to go to Brazil with everyone… </em>
</p><p>Hinata feels himself being lifted, but it's faint. Then his shoulders being nudged lightly, and he hears something, but he can’t make it out because it sounded like it was from so far away. Again, he tries to open his eyes. And as he does, he becomes aware of pulsing feeling all over his body. </p><p>
  <em> I’m sorry, Everyone… I’m so sorry, I love you all... </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this was the easiest way to show that Hinata didn't actually commit s--c-d-<br/>the next chapters are planned out already, so im pretty sure that the whole ff will be 20-25 chapters.<br/>aaaaaaaaaha how are you? tell me it how it went for you, im curious to hear what you feel<br/>its literally 3 am lol i coudlnt sleep w/o posting this sksksks<br/>anyway, the next chapters will are even heavier. so, hold onto that tissue box.<br/>Have a lovely day! i hope you enjoyed, love u !<br/>ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh rip i have orientation in like 3 hours, hope i dont sleep in lolol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Memory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Everything came flooding back, that night-how he held Hinata, how he touched him, and ignored his cries. How red Hinata’s skin from the sobbing, and his hitched breath. How much Hinata tried to refuse him, how many times he tries to crawl and push Kageyama away.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger Warning: R-p-<br/>atsumu's character song is "Dancing With Your Ghost" by Sasha Sloan, it isn't really fitting for this chapter but in the chapter it's sort of fitted for isn't focused on him so I'm saying this now :^</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“... why did you call me out here, Tobio?” Atsumu asks as he sits down in a pretty much empty cafe. “If this is about the punch-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama places Hinata’s journal on the table calmly. “I read it all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You finished… just now?” Atsumu tilts his head unknowingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reading it all at once hurt too much…” Kageyama looks down on his coffee cup. “Can I ask you something?” Atsumu just shrugs in response. “What made you feel like I deserved to have this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... you don’t. I gave that to you so that it would make you remember, and know the hell Hinata lived because of what you did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama swallows dryly, then he opens the journal to show Atsumu a page he saved. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“the letters i wrote, i hid them away in the box under my bed.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“tsum, if i ever die. lol that sounds so wicked.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“if anything happens to me, i know my diary will end up with you. so there you have it. theres a letter for everyone under my bed in the dorm. read it if you want, and my last favor will be… please give the letters to everyone else.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama showed him, then tapped on the few sentences, and he tried to say-as gently as he could, “Did you know about these?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu leaned down to read it, checking the date first… then on the sentences Kageyama tapped on. “I… don't…” Kageyama bites his bottom lip, thinking of what to say next. And he’s about to speak when Atsumu takes the journal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never read it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s you who deserves it most.” Kageyama bows his head. “And… I still don’t recall and perhaps… the letter, if Hinata made me one… I want to find out, I want to read it and finally know what I’ve done.” Kageyama lowers his head even more, “So please, show me to Hinata’s dorm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... okay.” Atsumu agrees, and it’s what Kageyama least expected. The raven looked at Atsumu, eyes big, he expected Atsumu to put on some kind of fight. But… looking at him now… Atsumu looked so small. His eyes were fixated on the journal, frowning, with eyes that probably haven't slept well in so long. He gripped on the journal, and Kageyama </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> that he was on the verge of crying. But instead he just sat there, trying to breathe as calmly as he could. Maybe he’s gotten so used to keeping his feelings at bay.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s already been… what..? nearly six months since his death…? </span>
  </em>
  <span>And nothing has changed. Atsumu’s still holding on, Kageyama’s still as pathetic as he was 1 year ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go.” Atsumu says, standing up and carrying the journal with him. Also leaving the coffee Kageyama bought for him untouched, like it was never there to begin with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Kageyama followed as Atsumu walked outside the cafe, and in his car. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sit at the back.” Atsumu unlocks his car and gets in. Kageyama just listens without saying anything and just climbs in. The ride was quiet and extremely uncomfortable for the two of them. And when they're at the dorms, they immediately head to Hinata’s dorm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The dorm room is dusty and dark, it’s given that no one’s come in here in so long. Kageyama stands at the door while Atsumu slowly walks in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama’s eyes roam the room, it’s his first time seeing it-it’s… mostly empty… Hinata’s clothes must be back at home, where they belong. There are boxes stacked up in the corners, while a few of the furniture pieces are covered in white cloth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu gets the box from underneath the bed. He didn't know about this. He hesitantly opened it, and the first thing he saw was a letter addressed to Kageyama. He picked it up, and below the letter were so many more, neatly compiled with twine. He took that, too. And there was a card attached to the twine, simply saying,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>im sorry. i guess i did it after all… atsumu, i love you. a whole lot. maybe even more. as said in the diary, my last request for you was to deliver this for everyone. but… please only do so when everyone’s okay. im so sorry. im so, so sorry”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu returns the letters, pursing his lips as he held back all of the emotions that came flooding in. He stood and handed Kageyama the letter, not looking at him because </span>
  <em>
    <span>who knew</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he could beat this guy up, maybe even kill them, if he had what it takes. That would be another story.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Read it here.” Atsumu ordered as Kageyama took the envelope. The sound of paper rustling followed, then Kageyama’s weak voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kageyama.” He read, and his voice was already shaking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Kageyama, hi.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Was written on the top left, after it was… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>How are you? How long has it been? Did Atsumu deliver the letters?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well, you wouldn’t be reading this now if it weren’t for him, so make sure to thank him, okay? I know you and him aren’t on the best terms, I know best because I was one of the reasons why… uh, Yamayama, I just want to say thank you first. Thank you for being the first person to push me to become the best version of myself. During middle school, and Karasuno. Thank you for staying by my side, and always teaching me things. I, uh, know that I said I would beat you one day…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I guess that day is never coming. As you can tell…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank you for all the wonderful memories. And for being my boyfriend for nearly a year. I’m sorry for not being able to tell you anything. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but what i’m most sorry for is not telling you what happened, and why I kept distancing myself from you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Have you remembered? That one day we were drinking. You drank too much and forced me to have sex with you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I cried so much that day that I ran away.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“When you texted me the next morning, I thought you were acting dumb. But then, you really didn’t remember anything. One way or another, I was thankful. I don’t know if I could continue living, with you knowing what you did-everything would be so awkward and… ugh, I don’t want to think about it.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well, not that I’m dead-I shouldn’t hold back anymore, no? I’m saying this not because I want you to live with shame, or to remember me as long as you live. I’m saying this because you need to know and realize your mistakes. I don’t want this to happen to anyone else.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Because of you, I started to… not want to live my life. I became so self conscious to the point that everything was so suffocating. Being poked randomly made me cry, I became wary of new people. Because of you it was so difficult to trust again. “</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So I hope you learn to drink moderately, I also feel bad for your liver.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So… you may think that I killed myself because of you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t think that, okay? It’s not your fault. If I was stronger, none of this would’ve happened. I don’t want you blaming yourself for the inevitable. I’m telling you this not to blame yourself, okay? Know that I forgive you. I don’t hate you. I love you, but like, the old you. The one from before. The simpler Kageyama who I raced with to and from school. The Kageyama that wasn’t my boyfriend.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“After getting together, you changed so much. Like literally. You became strict and stuff…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“But despite that I loved you, and didn’t mind at all, until that day.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well, anyway….. Kageyama, I hope you become the volleyball player you want to be.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’ll be cheering for you, even from up above or down below.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I have a lot to say to you but, I don’t want to say anything anymore.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Bye, Kageyama. Thank you, good bye, I’m sorry, and I love you.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Below the last line was a signature, then a heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama feels his whole body quiver, in disgust and in shame. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How could I have- </span>
  </em>
  <span>He grabbed his hair, dropping the envelope and letter on the ground.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god.” His throat managed to deliver, “I’m so sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything came flooding back, that night-how he held Hinata, how he touched him, and ignored his cries. How red Hinata’s skin from the sobbing, and his hitched breath. How much Hinata tried to refuse him, how many times he tries to crawl and push Kageyama away-</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Kageyama, p-please, stop! D-don’t do this. P-please..!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He covered his ears, but Hinata’s voice only became clearer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <b>
    <em>No..! Please, stop! Please…!</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama runs out, leaving Atsumu and the letter behind. He ran somewhere, anywhere-he just wanted to be alone, away from people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu stayed inside Hinata’s room until someone noticed the open door, and that was… 2 hours later. Atsumu sat still on the floor, leaning his back on the bed, the brown box resting on his lap while his hand stayed above it. A lot of things were inside. Photo albums, polaroids, postcards, letters, sea shells and more objects that Hinata was probably attached to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why did he find this just today? And what are they going to do? Now that Kageyama remembers. Atsumu was found by Sakusa, and he hid the letters behind his back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>please only do so once everyone’s okay”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Sakusa may seem like it, however he’s everything but okay. From the door, he stared for a few seconds.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Atsumu interrupted his staring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sakusa blinks, “Nothing, I thought I was imagining things.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you aren't.” Atsumu sighs, and Sakusa turns the lights on. Atsumu didn't even notice that it’s already dark out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing here?” Sakusa stays by the door frame because he knows that if he proceeds to walk inside, he’ll grow sad. “And what’s that box?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, Shouyou’s favorite things, I guess.” Atsumu looks at the box, sitting up. “There was something in his journal… that made Tobio meet up with me. He remembered.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, really?” Sakusa covered his mouth, “He really remembers?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu tucks all the letters inside his back pocket as he picks up Kageyama’s off the floor. He’s already read it, and he gave it to Sakusa. “It’s Shouyou’s letter for him.” Atsumu says bad pats Sakusa’s shoulder. “I’ll be in my room.” Sakusa takes the letter and Atsumu walks to his room, once he’s inside, he carries the box to the bed to get his letter from the pile. He lies down, shuffling about. He’s curious but the urge to read it right now isn’t present. He’s not okay yet, he knows that best, so he shouldn’t open it. He held the envelope up, it was thick, maybe there was more than a letter inside. On the envelope, “Miya Atsumu” was written on the back. Below it was, “Yours, now and forever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu lets his hand fall down along with the letter, then his eyes turn to the windows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do I give them the letters…?” Atsumu asks himself. “Shouyou, why the hell did you put such a great responsibility on me, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should give Natsu’s and Mrs. Hinata’s first… Miyagi…” He hums, “Sendai’s pretty near to Miyagi. I should give Kei’s his as well. Or…” Atsumu sits up to get the letters. “Should I have him help me deliver these? I mean…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I could ask him, too. About that day.” Atsumu remembers the fact that Tsukishima was the last person that Hinata was with, and Atsumu never knew about what happened that day. He couldn’t ask Tsukishima, it was clear that Tsukishima doesn’t like talking about Hinata. And there’s a lot of reasons why. And Atsumu doesn’t want to be the person who pushes him to, after all… he knows how much it hurts. After all, it was Tsukishima who was closest to Hinata. It was him who knew best, it was him who Hinata ran to first, it was him who Hinata trusted most. “We should start moving on from Shouyou so that we could read the letters, then, start all over again.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>filler kinda, it juat need to clear out a few things such as one, no one knows what happened that day. That's why everyone who knows about the incident assumes that it's s--c-d-.<br/>two, tsukishima hasn't told anyone about that day because he can't, he's too weak.<br/>three, yes, kageyama r-p-d hinata.<br/>four, tsukishima didnt ask for the journal from atsumu, and doesnt know that it was w kags.<br/>five, kags remembers finally.<br/>Have a lovely day</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Call</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He felt like he was paralyzed, he probably was. Because of the shock, of the sudden sadness that settled in, the confusion, the unexplainable questioning that went over and over in Tsukishima’s head-his breath hitched, gasping as he fell on his behind and cried in his hands.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>have nothing to say now, maybe later<br/>Tsukishima's character song/s:<br/>Ikanaide (Mafumafu)<br/>End (Jeremy Zucker, stripped ver)<br/>if you can, play end after Tsukishima's told</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was just another day for Tsukishima to wallow in his room in silence and gloom. He heard his doorbell ring twice already, and he hasn’t moved an inch. It’s probably just mail, or something, he doesn’t care enough to think much about it. Hearing the buzz again, he puts his head under the pillow. The buzzing only continued, and he clicked his tongue out of irritation. He feels his phone vibrate, and he checks it after a few minutes. It was from Atsumu.</p><p>Miya Atsumu:</p><p>[hey im outside]</p><p>[ik ur in there so come out]</p><p>[we needa talk]</p><p>Tsukishima stares at the screen, not exactly reading the text messages he’s received. His eyes are just plainly looking at the lit screen without any focus at all.</p><p>[dont seen me]</p><p>[im literally going to barge into your house if i have to]</p><p>Tsukishima puts his phone down when Atsumu calls, and he sighs, picking it up. “Hello, what can I help you with?” He says out of habit.</p><p>“Come out. Stop ignoring my texts.” Atsumu says over the line, “Let me in.”</p><p>“Let yourself in.” Tsukishima says breathily, not wanting to deal with anything right now. He pushes himself up, “What do you want to talk about? I d-”</p><p>“Shouyou, I need to talk about Shouyou with you.”</p><p>“... what? I don’t want to.” Tsukishima slumps back down.</p><p>“Please?” Atsumu sighs, Tsukishima hears his gate being opened. “It’s important and… I need to give you something, it’s…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“A letter from Shouyou. A goodbye letter.”</p><p>Tsukishima sits up, “What?”</p><p>“Yeah… it’s been under his bed for… yeah.” Atsumu knocks on Tsukishima’s front door. “Let me in.”</p><p>“... wait.” Tsukishima says before hanging up. He gets off the bed to walk to the front door to unlock it. Once unlocked, he finds Atsumu standing there, eyes red with heavy bags underneath. He looks like he just cried. “The hell happened to you?”</p><p>“I just came from Miyagi.” He says, walking in after Tsukishima. “From Shouyou’s home.”</p><p>“Oh…? What did you do there?”</p><p>“To…” Atsumu gets the letters from his bag and shows them to Tsukishima. “Deliver these.”</p><p>The two walk to the sitting room, and Tsukishima takes them, looking through the names. They sit, across each other with a long wooden table in between themselves. “Where did you find these?” He finds his name, right after Atsumu’s. Their letters are heavier than the others. On the back, “<em> Tsukishima Kei :)” </em> was written. Below was, “ <em> to you, who was one of my angels” </em></p><p>“In the journal. Kageyama told me and, Kei, he remembers.”</p><p>For some reason this made a twisted grin on Tsukishima’s face. “About time. How did he remember?”</p><p>“Hinata wrote him a letter.” </p><p>“... what did it say?” Kageyama gives Tsukishima Kageyama’s letter. “He didn’t take it with him?”</p><p>“He ran out.” Atsumu answers and the blonde takes the slightly crumpled up paper. </p><p>Tsukishima reads it first, and after, he can’t help but just love and hate how forgiving Hinata is. <em> He’s way too good for this world. </em>He puts the letter down once he’s done, then he rubs his eyes. “Have you heard from Kageyama?”</p><p>“No.” Atsumu shrugs, “Don’t care, though.”</p><p>“You said he ran out.” Tsukishima taps his finger on the letter, “He might do something stupid. And, why the hell did you give him Shouyou’s journal?”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“You know, it was supposed to be with me. Shouyou told me to ask for it if anything happened to him.”</p><p>“Anything happened to him? What do you mean? Did he tell you that he was going to do it?”</p><p>“No… he just said it out of nowhere. That day. He said that if anything were to happen to him, he wanted me to have his journal because he didn’t want you to know about his thoughts.”</p><p>“... what?”</p><p>“And…” Tsukishima looks down, he’s about to speak but Atsumu starts first.</p><p>“Tell me about that day.”</p><p>“I…”</p><p>“Please.”</p><p>“Tell me what happened.”</p><hr/><p>The two were eating dinner while the TV was on in the living room just so that it wouldn’t be quiet. It was Tsukishima who made the food this time, and in front of the said boy was the ginger, eating away like he hasn’t eaten in a while. It looked like the appetite Hinata had in those three years in Karasuno was back.</p><p>“Hey, slow down.” Tsukishima said, putting his chopsticks down to tap Hinata’s shoulders. “You might choke.”</p><p>Hinata nods, stopping to chew so he could talk. At least talking with his mouth full isn’t a habit anymore. “But it’s good!”</p><p>“It’s just karaage.” Tsukishima hands Hinata a tissue, “Wipe your lips.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Hinata swallows and takes the tissue from Tsukishima. He wipes his lips, then puts it aside after. “I’m kinda nervous about tomorrow...”</p><p>“Your date with Atsumu? Why?” </p><p>“I think he’ll say that my plan is ridiculous.” Hinata admits, picking his chopsticks up again. “And we have games coming up. So I don’t think Tsum would agree to going with me.”</p><p>“Then, if that’s the case, he’ll probably come as soon as he can.” Tsukishima says to stop Hinata’s negativity. “He’s your boyfriend, I’m sure he wouldn’t let you go to Brazil with someone that’s not him alone.”</p><p>“No, I feel like he would let me go on my own if he thinks that it’s the best for me…”</p><p>“You aren’t going alone, Shou.” Tsukishima gives Hinata a subtle smile, Hinata nods to this.</p><p>“Okay.” Hinata smiles. And the two soon finish eating. Hinata cleans the table while Tsukishima gathers the dishes to put them in the sink. “Let’s go together next week?”</p><p>Tsukishima shook his head because of how childlike it sounded, going to some place unplanned and so suddenly. Despite this, he was leaning into the idea. It wasn’t a bad one, not at all, if anything-he was looking forward to it. Going to a foreign land with Hinata sounded fun.</p><p>Just escaping, and living their lives without much thought or anything.</p><p>Tsukishima didn’t mind at all.</p><p>He would let Hinata bring him anywhere, anytime, regardless of any circumstances. As long as they’re together, as long as Tsukishima can keep an eye on the ginger, even if it’s not him holding his hand-it’s fine. He doesn’t mind. He never has. It always has been like this, watching Hinata from a far, just watching him radiate with much beauty and brilliance. Tsukishima would say yes in a heartbeat, if Hinata ever asked him to accompany him to somewhere.</p><p>“Let me drive you.” Tsukishima says while he’s watering the dishes down, just to get rid of the oil and bits of rice. Hinata says okay, and the two of them proceed outside after turning everything off and locking up. They climb into the car and put their seatbelts on, and Hinata turns the radio on. </p><p>“Ah, I feel kinda sleepy.” Hinata sniffs, turning the channel to a station that played pop music. </p><p>“Because you ate a lot.” Tsukishima starts the car and looks at Hinata, who’s snug in his seat. “Sleep, I’ll wake you up when we’re there.”</p><p>Hinata nods slowly and gives Tsukishima a small smile, “Okay.”</p><p>Tsukishima pats the ginger’s hair softly, then he starts driving. The drive is just 10, 20 minutes since Tsukishima;s not too far from the airport. Hinata would be asleep for two minutes, and the next second he’s blinking like a kid who woke up in the middle of the night. When they arrive, Hinata yawns. </p><p>“Buy coffee before you board.” Tsukishima suggests, stopping the car in front of the drop off. </p><p>“Yep…” Hinata agrees, voice sleepy. He removes his seatbelt slowly and yawns again. “Come to Osaka next time, okay?” </p><p>“Roger that.” Tsukishima leans toward the steering wheel, resting his chin on his forearms. “Good luck tomorrow.”</p><p>“Yes. See you, drive safe.” Hinata says, then closes the door and waving. Tsukishima waves back, smile fading as Hinata gets farther and farther. The two nod at each other briefly, "I'll buy you a cake when you visit."</p><p>"I'm looking forward to it." </p><p>When Hinata’s inside, that’s when Tsukishima drives home. The first thing he does after getting home is text Hinata, then he washes the dishes. After, he’s back in his room, chilling while he’s watching volleyball games. It’s already a little over 12, so he takes a shower and changes into his nightwear. Which was pretty much just sweat pants and a loose hoodie, because that combo is the most comfortable thing ever. Uh, second to hugging Hinata. Tsukishima turns the lights off and gets to bed, and he’s about to fall asleep when his phone suddenly buzzes and vibrates like crazy. He quickly checks it, reading it with his eyes squinted as the brightness was too high.</p><p>Miya Atsumu:</p><p>[kei something happend ti hinaga]</p><p>[kei tou need to come hree]</p><p>[kei]</p><p>[kei what are we foibg to do]</p><p>[kei]</p><p>[call me when you swe this]</p><p>Tsukishima pulls himself up, furrowing his brows because he doesn't understand what Atsumu’s talking about. He receives more texts, from Bokuto, Akaashi and Sakusa. He feels like something’s up, and it makes him uneasy. So he just calls Atsumu.</p><p>It’s ringing, and Atsumu picks up three rings later. </p><p>“Atsumu, what happened?” Tsukishima asks, sitting up and bringing his phone to his ear. “What’s with the texts? It’s 12 already.”</p><p>“Kei…” Tsukishima faintly hears, Atsumu’s voice is hoarse, broken, and tired. “Shouyou,”</p><p>Tsukishima’s hair stood up, he felt highly uncomfortable with this-Atsumu’s voice. How he heard sobs in the background, and how Atsumu sounded so sad. “What happened? What do you mean, Shouyou-?”</p><p>“I need you to listen to me calmly…” Atsumu managed, and it was ironic. Because between the two, he was the one that wasn't calm. “Okay?” </p><p>Tsukishima hears Atsumu breathe out shakily. “Shouyou got into an accident.”</p><p>“W… what..? Wh-where is he? How is he?” Tsukishima was now out of bed. There was adrenaline pumping in his veins, and he didn't know what to do with it. “I’ll take the earliest flight-”</p><p>“Kei, he’s gone.”</p><p>
  <em> What’s gone? Who’s gone? Shouyou? That’s fucking impossible. </em>
</p><p>“He was hit by a car, suspects said that he just walked into the road-” Atsumu stops to take a deep breath, “He was pronounced dead on arrival-”</p><p>“Wh-what happened? What the fuck? This isn't funny-”</p><p>“What kind of twisted fuck would joke about their boyfriend's death? Huh?” Atsumu says and Tsukishima feels his jaw ache. “Please, just come to Osaka.”</p><p>“I w-will. F-first thing…” Tsukishima falls to his knees. “Tomorrow…” He feels his chest squeeze, and his lungs somehow start to fail.</p><p> He purses his lips in order to stop himself from breaking down.</p><p>“Kei, b… breathe…”</p><p>Tsukishima hangs up and lets go of his phone because everything began to feel numb. His very being began to tremor, <em> why? I thought he was finally okay- </em></p><p>
  <em> “If anything happens…”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Only you know me, like, inside out.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “So I want you to have it.” </em>
</p><p><em> Did he plan to do it all along then? Why? </em>Tsukishima can’t feel his hands, or, anything at all. It feels cold, with sweat running down his neck and tears streaming down his face. He tried moving his hands, but he couldn’t, it was hard to. He felt like he was paralyzed, he probably was. Because of the shock, of the sudden sadness that settled in, the confusion, the unexplainable questioning that went over and over in Tsukishima’s head-his breath hitched, gasping as he fell on his behind and cried in his hands. </p><p>
  <em> I  thought we were going to Brazil? I thought he was finally looking forward to something-he told me that we were going next week. What happened to that? What made him do it? Now?  </em>
</p><p>“Shouyou…” Tsukishima hit on his chest and gripped on his hoodie, “Fuck, what happened…?”</p><p>The next morning, Tsukishima’s in Osaka. He’s standing outside the hospital with Atsumu, Sakusa and Bokuto. Kenma and Akaashi’s on the way. Hinata’s mom is currently inside making calls and preparing documents for the morgue and the funeral homes. The four stood in silence in a corner, they were all tired looking. Shoulders slumped, pale skinned and eyes that have been crying all night. </p><p>“... anyone knows what happened?” Tsukishima asked weakly, rubbing on his nape. “How did you three know…?”</p><p>“The hospital called the coach...” Atsumu answered Tsukishima. </p><p>“Has any of you seen Mrs. Hinata and Natsu?” Tsukishima followed up, everyone shook their head.</p><p>“We weren’t allowed inside…” Bokuto whispered, and Atsumu rubs his back. “We’ve been here since midnight, they should at least let us see Shouyou…”</p><p>“Come here.” Atsumu huffs and pulls Bokuto into a hug, “... it’s going to be okay, Kou.”</p><hr/><p>“So he was planning on going to Brazil…?” Atsumu questioned, eyes slightly squinted as he stared in to space. “And when you were together, he hinted that something was going to happen…?”</p><p>“Atsumu, I don’t understand it either…”</p><p>“He planned that much but did it anyways?” Atsumu hacked out a laugh, but not because he found it funny-his mind was literally in shatters that he couldn’t process anything properly at the moment. Tsukishima doesn’t say any more, he goes through the letters again. It was a lot, twenty at least, he didn’t want to count it. He took his letter again, and was about to open it when Atsumu grabs it. “Shouyou told me to deliver it only when we’re okay.”</p><p>“I’m okay.”</p><p>“That’s a sad lie, Kei.” Atsumu puts the letter back into the pile. </p><p>“Then, what? You’re going to tell me I have a letter from Shouyou and you aren’t going to give it to me?”</p><p>“I will, but not now.”</p><p>“If not now, then when?”</p><p>“When you’re better, mentally.”</p><p>“Says <em> you. </em> Did you read yours already?”</p><p>“Not yet.” Atsumu fixes the letters and puts them back together in a twine. “I have a proposal, but we’re going to have to talk to everyone first.”</p><p>“... sorry, we?” Tsukishima cocks his head, “Sorry, I don’t want to do anything with this.”</p><p>“Come on, do it for him.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so only to clear out, i just continued everything in tsukki's world bc it was easier to understand that way<br/>andd yea.</p><p>---<br/>back to no updates, dont feel all too well again 🤡<br/>thanks for all your comments in the recent chapter, esp those who thank me for sharing my story-sorry to disappoint but there wont be new chapters for a while. hope you all have a lovely day!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Talk</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>no character song bc this chapter isnt focused on anyone andd<br/>idk if i said this before, im too lazy to check so im just going to say it (again).<br/>The ones who know about the incident are:<br/>Atsumu, Tsukishima, Kenma, Daichi<br/>The ones who know it secretly are:<br/>Sakusa, Akaashi, Yamaguchi<br/>And thise who dont know at all are:<br/>Bokuto, Kuroo, Oikawa</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So, we’re all here.” </p><p>Atsumu smiled as kindly as he could, hands resting on the long table that everyone gathered around. Outside, it was raining, and it seemed like it wasn't going to stop anytime soon. But that was no problem, because they were all currently in Kozume’s house, which is, mind you, pretty much a villa. Almost in the <em> family </em> Hinata created was present. People like Sawamura and Oikawa were missing, and of course, the ginger.</p><p>The ginger, and his presence that was ever so longed for. Kozume sat on one end, Atsumu sat on the other. If anyone unfamiliar were around, they would think that they were having a serious business meeting. But they weren't, this was about something so incredibly personal. Something everyone’s been carrying on their shoulders ever since that day, something everyone’s desperately trying their best to move on from, understand, and not to forget—but to accept.</p><p>It’s quiet, so utterly quiet that it’s uncomfortable and suffocating. And that was unusual, especially for friends who have known and been together since the beginning. </p><p>“So… why is everyone gathered here today?” Kozume asked, leaning back on his chair while he played on his game console, seeming like he wasn't bothered at all by how all his friends were inside his home, gathered, so suddenly. This sight wasn't new, as Kozume has always been cold, indifferent and distant. He was someone who acted uninvolved or heartless, but in reality he just didn't know how to be around people. Losing Hinata had such an impact on him, on everyone, and he was one of those who tried to ignore it just to feel peace. And obviously, that wasn't helping.</p><p>“I called everyone today to…” Atsumu puts the letters still neatly put together in twine on the table, then he slides it to the center. “Give these all to you.”</p><p>“What’s that?” Akaashi asked, who was sitting in the middle and was about to take them, when Tsukishima-who sat in front of him, took it first. Akaashi glanced at the blonde, someone that appeared to be aloof at the moment. </p><p>“Letters from Shouyou.” Tsukishima answered for Atsumu as he held the envelopes up, but not any higher than eye level. </p><p>“Letters from Shouyou?”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“What are you talking about?”</p><p>Voices began to rise, questions were asked. But no one could understand no one, because they all talked at once. Like a business presentation gone wrong. Atsumu and Tsukishima were the only ones that were silent, and to grab everyone’s attention, Atsumu brought a rectangular tin container on the table. Everyone looks, brows furrowed, eyes small and lips agape.</p><p>“I found those the other day with the help of Tobio…” Atsumu pauses to look down on the tin, before opening it and taking Hinata’s journal out of it. “We found out that these letters existed because of this, it’s Shouyou’s journal.” He puts it down the table, and makes it clear that it’s not something to touch. “And now, Shou asked me to deliver these to all of you. However, only when we’ve all moved on.” </p><p>Everyone is silent, now including Atsumu. He’s looking at everyone's expressions, they’re all visibly bothered and troubled.</p><p>“Now, uh.” Atsumu hums out of habit, standing up from his seat, “I say we bury the letters for now.”</p><p>“Bury them? Why?” Kozume asks, eyes getting off his game.</p><p>“I thought that maybe it would be better if we just come back for it, a year, more or less later.” Atsumu says as sternly as he can, looking at the letters that’s still inside Tsukishima’s hold. “Like a time capsule.”</p><p>“Then where are we… going to bury it?” Sakusa sighs, eyeing Tsukishima, then Atsumu, then Tsukishima again. “It can’t be in any of your houses, that would be unfair to all of us.”</p><p>“Right.” Osamu adds. “It should be somewhere all of us have access to but doesn't really belong to anyone.”</p><p>“I suggest Shouyou’s home.” Tsukishima cuts off before anyone else. “I already asked Mrs. Hinata.”</p><p>“Oh, so no problem, then.” Sakusa adjusts his mask. “But… what if we want to read it now?”</p><p>“That would be going against Shouyou’s request.” </p><p>“Well, it’s not our fault that you told us as soon as you found out.”</p><p>“Come on, I’m sure he thought it all out already.”</p><p>“How I see it, Atsumu’s giving us a reason to look forward to something.” </p><p>“Exactly.”</p><p>“So, like, it’s…”</p><p>“Let’s bury the letters, and go back for them once we’ve all moved on.”</p><p>The room falls silent. It’s given that not everyone is accepting of the idea, especially Bokuto, and Sakusa, who wants to read it right now. Akaashi isn’t very bothered by it, what he’s bothered by however is how his boyfriend’s acting. Underneath the table, Bokuto’s leg is bouncing. The boy is peeling on his cuticles, looking down on his nails that’s damaged and dry. Akaashi takes Bokuto’s hand, gently, and keeps them in his own. He rubs his thumb over the older’s backhand. Their eyes meet, Akaashi smiles, Bokuto just nods and looks away.</p><p>“So… do we do it?” Tsukishima breaks the uncomfortable silence. He pushes his glasses up with his forefinger, then he sighs. “Is anyone against it?” No one answers, so Tsukishima slides the letters back to Atsumu. He puts them into the tin box, looks at everyone and rests his hands on the table.</p><p>“I know it’s selfish of me. To decide all this on my own and just ask you all at the last minute.” Atsumu taps his fingers on the tin, making a rhythmic knocking. “To assure everyone, I didn’t read mine yet. And, the only person that’s read theirs is Tobio.”</p><p>“How come?”</p><p>“Tobio’s letter wasn’t in the pile. And-” Atsumu is cut off by the sudden raging thunder outside. They realize that the rain’s gotten worse. It’s the least of their worries. “It seemed like Shouyou didn’t care if he read it whether he was okay or not.”</p><p>“So he remembers?” Kozume buzzed, Atsumu nods. </p><p>“Remember what?” Bokuto asks, Atsumu flaps his hands.</p><p>“Nothing important.” Kozume gives Bokuto a forced smile, then he gets up. “When are we going to do this?” Kozume is quick to change the subject. He walks towards the windows to check the outside, it’s yard is heavily flooded by the rain. He can hardly see anything with the mist and heavy raindrops. The sky roars once again, then it is followed by a great flash. He didn’t know that a storm was coming, how inconvenient for the others.</p><p>“As soon as possible.” </p><p>“We should make sure that the letters don’t get damaged. With rain like this, it’s going to get into the container without any problem.” Kozume says, still standing by the windows. Everyone is looking at him. “Wouldn't it be better if we just have it sent to us a year later?”</p><p>“What do you mean?” </p><p>“It’s been a thing nowadays. There’s an office nearby that lets you send letters, and it’s up to you when they should send it. It can be in a few months, a year, maybe even a decade.”</p><p>“Oh? I didn’t know that.”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s a new thing I think.” Kozume leans his shoulder on the glass window, “We should just have them send it to us in a year. Let me prepare everything.”</p><p><br/>“What if they lose it?” Tsukishima asks, clearly disagreeing with the idea of giving the important letters to strangers.</p><p>“Don’t worry.” Kozume looks at Tsukishima to give him a small smile. “I’ll make sure that they won’t.” He closes the curtains, “It’s getting late. Why don’t you all stay over?”</p><p>“Is it fine?” One of the boys asks, as everyone disperses from the table.</p><p>“Of course.” Kozume says before leaving the room, “There’s a lot of rooms here, as you all know. Sleep wherever, just not in my room.” </p><p>“Thanks, Kenma.”</p><p>By midnight, Kozume expected everyone to be in their own picked rooms already. By midnight, he expected that everyone was already asleep, but, that’s not the case. Kozume’s standing by the entrance of the large sitting room in the center of the villa, a coffee cup in one hand. Everyone’s sitting on the cold, cushioned floor, just by the furnace. </p><p>“What are you guys doing?” Kozume asks, taking a sip from his coffee. “Aren’t you guys going to sleep?”</p><p>“We couldn’t.” Atsumu says, who’s lying nearest to the furnace. He’s holding the fire poker, mindlessly moving the burning wood around. “Come join us. It’s been a while since we all hung out like this, unplanned, not doing anything in particular…”</p><p>“Oh, don’t start.” Sakusa sighs, throwing a pillow to Atsumu’s face. Atsumu catches it and throws it back.</p><p>“I’m not!”</p><p>“Shut up….” Bokuto groans, covering his ears with a pillow. Akaashi plays with his boyfriend’s hair, then with his other hand he places his forefinger over his lips.</p><p>“Oops, sorry. I didn’t know that he was sleeping already.” Atsumu covers his mouth, “Omi, apologize too.”</p><p>“Sorry.” Coldly, Sakusa said then lies down with a thump.</p><p>“Aren’t you guys cold?” Kozume walks in, closing his cardigan. “There’s blankets in the rooms, get them when you guys are cold.”</p><p>“What are you drinking?” Akaashi asks as Kozume sits beside him. </p><p>“Coffee. Want some?” He offers Akaashi his mug, the boy accepts it and takes a small sip.</p><p>Everyone was enveloped in stillness. And unlike before, it was a silence that was welcomed and comfortable. Everyone minded their own thoughts, but at the time, they were watching over each other. Sooner or later, everyone starts to doze off. Except Atsumu and Kozume, the two are too busy thinking. Atsumu continuously poked at the wood, Kozume’s only watching. Sooner or later, Kozume moves to Atsumu side to feel warmer. Also because they were the only ones awake, and maybe Atsumu wanted to talk about anything. But Atsumu doesn’t say anything, so it’s Kozume who speaks first.</p><p>“... how are you doing?” Kozume asks hesitantly, eyes focused on the blaze that kept changing colors. Atsumu glances at him, Kozume doesn’t look back, but he can see that Atsumu’s lips are slightly curled. </p><p>“You know.” Atsumu just says, shrugging, then shrugging again after a brief hum. “The usual.”</p><p>“What is <em> the usual? </em> ” Kozume follows up, pulling his knees to his chest. “You’re probably the one who’s doing the worst, no? Since it’s you, who’s Shouyou’s boyfriend and… it’s you who discovered the letters… it’s you who <em> really </em>confirmed that he committed… s…”</p><p>“I can’t exactly say that I’m doing the worst among all of us?” Atsumu says slowly, scratching the back of his ear. “Everyone’s got their own pace… their own way of coping… no one but ourselves can say how we are.” </p><p>“How did it feel? … were you shocked?”</p><p>“... to be honest? No…” Atsumu huffs, turning his face away from Kozume. “I mean, I expected it. And I’ve accepted the possibility… I mean… what we were all doing was to keep him from doing that, right? And we failed.” He places his hands over his lids, “At least we know now. And in the letters, we’ll know more.”</p><p>“What do you think’s inside?”</p><p>“Apologies, for starters.” Atsumu lies down. “Then his thank you’s, of course… maybe even a reason why he gave it all up when…”</p><p>“... when?”</p><p>“...” Atsumu gives Kozume the poker, “Nothing.”</p><p>
  <em> It’s better if we don’t tell anyone else. That way, they won’t worry, or think about him any more than they already do. Damn… I wonder how it all is for Tsukishima? He knew all this and didn’t tell anyone until just the other day… Maybe that was why he was in so much shock? Because he finally saw Shouyou smile again, and then, mere hours later… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was wrong of me to just tell him like that. I should’ve been more careful. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Fuck. </em>
</p><p>“How are you?” Atsumu finally returns the question to Kozume. “I told you how I feel, it’s only fair for you to also tell me.” Atsumu looks at Kozume’s back. The boy’s still, unmoving and quiet. “... but sure. If you don’t want to talk still, it’s fine.”</p><p>“... I blame myself for his death.”</p><p>“... Kenma, you didn’t do anything wrong.”</p><p>“If I got him to go to therapy, maybe he’d still be here with us.”</p><p>“Kenma, no..”</p><p>“And maybe if I were kinder, or more generous, or if I just had given him more of my time. Maybe I could’ve taken care of him more.”</p><p><br/>“Don’t blame yourself, Kenma.”</p><p>“But-!”</p><p><br/>“We all did our best… okay?” Atsumu sits up quickly, to rub Kozume’s back. </p><p>“And we failed.”</p><p><br/>“We have our regrets…” Someone says, the two turns around and to find Bokuto, lying prone on the floor with his cheeks resting above his fists. “... but we shouldn’t blame ourselves, or… anyone.”</p><p>“Since when were you eavesdropping on us?” Atsumu asks, lifting a brow. </p><p>Bokuto just shrugs and sits in between them. “You know,” Bokuto looks at Kozume to pat his head. “You shouldn’t shoulder everything on your own… you’ve been too quiet, Kenma.”</p><p>“Yeah… you can always talk to us.” Atsumu adds, leaning forward a little so that Kozume could see him. “That’s why we all see each other, to talk, you know?”</p><p>“... yeah…” Kozume purses his lips, then he chuckles. “Thanks.”</p><p>A little later, Sakusa comes and sits next to Atsumu.</p><p>“Oh, sorry, did we wake you?” Atsumu asks as Sakusa leans his head on Atsumu’s shoulder. The boy shakes his head. “How about you?” Atsumu brushes Sakusa’s curls to the side, “How are you doing?”</p><p>“I just miss him.” Sakusa simply says, crossing his legs and yawning. “I miss him a lot, and I just wish that <em> I </em>was the one taking care of him. Not the other way around. I blame myself, too. We all have our reasons…”</p><p>“Shouyou <em> did </em> take care of you a lot. Like a kid.” Bokuto points out, snickering. “I miss him, too.”</p><p>“Remember that time when Sakusa was feeling under the weather and Shouyou wouldn’t leave him alone?” Atsumu adds after Bokuto, snickering as well. “He kept clinging on to him, and Omi followed Shouyou like a kid.”</p><p><em> I had a breakdown that morning </em>. “Yeah…”</p><p>“You two were cute.” Atsumu leans his head above Sakusa’s. “And inseparable.” </p><p>“It’s cool how Tsum doesn’t get jealous, ever.” Bokuto hooks his arm over Atsumu, then he looks at Kozume. “Did you know that Shouyou would always disappear to Sendai and Atsumu wouldn’t mind?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Kozume answers, “Why?”</p><p>“I feel like if I were Atsumu, I would be hella jealous. Like, all the time.” Bokuto tilts, humming as he thought. “Shouyou was always surrounded by a lot of people, I can’t imagine… If I saw Akaashi with someone, my heart would explode.”</p><p>“That’s because you get jealous easily.” Akaashi suddenly joins, placing his hands over Bokuto’s shoulders and meeting his eyes. </p><p>“Akaashi~” Bokuto tilts back more, “You’re awake?”</p><p>“I didn’t really sleep.” He answers and sits behind Kozume. “I feel the same, Kou, I feel like if I saw you mingling with someone else I would grow very jealous.”</p><p>“Ah-you two, leave if you’re going to flirt like that!” Atsumu hits the two, then they all laugh. </p><p>Akaashi leans on his boyfriend’s back, taking a pillow to hug. “And Keiji?”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Akaashi answers, “As you know.”</p><p>“Although it seems like you’re being buried under work?” </p><p>“Ugh, yeah.” Akaashi sighs, and feels Bokuto place their head on his shoulder.</p><p>“Is Tsukki the only one who’s really sleeping?”</p><p>“I think he hasn’t been sleeping well.” They all look at the blonde. </p><p>“Yeah. Look at the bags under his eyes.”</p><p>“Can he even play like that?”</p><p>“I think he took a break again.”</p><p>“... must be rough…”</p><p>“Don’t talk about me like I'm not here.” Tsukishima says but he doesn't move from the floor. He’s facing the wall, with his back facing everyone. </p><p>“Oh, he’s awake as well.”</p><p>“Come here, Tsukki. It’s warmer.”</p><p>“I’m fine.” Tsukishima shifts but stays there. Everyone stares, until Bokuto pulls the cushioning below Tsukishima’s body and drags it closer to them. “Better.”</p><p>“I said I was fine.” Tsukishima clicks his tongue and looks. Everyone’s still staring at him, he feels holes burning through his body. “... what?”</p><p>“Sharing time, Kei.” Atsumu smiles.</p><p>“I don’t want to talk.” Tsukishima goes back to staring at the wall. </p><p>“Uh-huh...” Bokuto crosses his arms. </p><p>Tsukishima sighs, “I really don’t.”</p><p>“And why not?”</p><p>“Do I have to explain myself?”</p><p>No one answers. Atsumu whistles a breathout, and pats Bokuto’s shoulder, telling him to drop it quietly. Bokuto just nods, and lets go of the urge to push Tsukishima to talk.</p><p>“Thought so… I’m going to sleep.”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>prolly seems dull bc it is. i finished this before and just edited it so that i could release it alr. also a filler. have a lovely day</p><p>rando que: who wants to see oikawa more? i have drafts wherein he's active but im not sure whether to include it or not. im a mess when it comes to decisions 😔</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Process</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Because, about time.” Kozume furrows his brow, flicking Hinata’s forehead this time. “Your relationship with Kageyama is beyond fixing and toxicity. Just, leave him alone and forget about him, okay?” Kozume intertwined his fingers and leaned his chin on them. “Forget about that bastard.”<br/>A bitter smile finds its way to Hinata’s lips, “If only it was that easy.” <br/>“How long has it been?” Kozume asks, tucking his hair behind his ear. “Because your ‘the other day’ is sometimes what’s supposed to be ‘last week’.”<br/>“I think…” Hinata hums, “It’s been… what, 8 days I think?”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>yall know the drill, filler</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Wow, just… wow.” Hinata says softly, looking out the terrace of Kozume’s new house in Tokyo. “I want to spend my whole life here. Look at this view!” He leaned on the cement top rails, his feet slipped in between the balusters, and Kozume was holding onto his hoodie to make sure the boy wouldn’t tip forward. The ginger breathed out, letting a puff of smoke escape his lips as he looked up at the night sky, then down, at the lights provided by the beautiful houses and street lamps.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to spend </span>
  <em>
    <span>all </span>
  </em>
  <span>my lives with you.” Kozume whispered to Hinata, smiling at the back that he was so used to watching.  “I’m glad you like it, since you’re eventually going to stay here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Hinata gets off and turns to Kozume, “Stay here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kozume’s first line goes unheard. Unnoticed or ignored. He doesn’t mind. He’s never cared. Kozume heads inside, and the ginger follows behind him like a little puppy. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I mean</span>
  </em>
  <span>, when you go to Tokyo for matches or activities. I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>sponsor after all.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh! Yeah, wow, you’re so cool Kenma.” Hinata walks ahead to continue looking around. “The others, too, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. You can see that this house is too big, even for 10 people.” Kozume again watches Hinata’s back. The ginger rushes into a random room to inspect, Kozume trails behind him calmly, like a scheming cat.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata runs around, looking through all the glass windows at least once. “How do you not get lost in this?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do.” Kozume chuckles, leaning on the doorframe to watch Hinata. After a while, the boy goes out of the room to go inside another one. “Don’t run too much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did you even buy a house inside? It’s not even that far from Nerima.” Hinata looks at him again, and this time the boy’s tilting his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kozume tilts his head as well, copying Hinata’s cuteness. “Because I can?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh, I hate you.” Hinata turns away again and goes into another room. “But why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just because?” Kozume answers with a question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Talking to you is pointless.” Hinata sighs, and Kozume giggles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t buy this for me?” Kozume continues, slipping his hands into his windbreaker’s pockets. “I bought this for you,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And black jackals.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-and Black Jackals.” Kozume repeats. Smiling as he scoffed and cocked his head. “How’s the house so far?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s perfect! Kinda like my dream home.” Hinata throws himself into the bed, “It’s big, so it’s not a problem if you have a big family, or want to live with friends. There’s a pool, a rooftop terrace, there’s even a court? Like, it’s so cool!” Hinata quickly pats his side, kind of telling Kozume to lie down with him. Kozume follows. “You’re so amazing Kenma, you’re barely into your twenties and you’re already this successful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really.” Kozume sits at the side, digging his fingers into Hinata’s ginger locks. “You’re amazing, too, Shouyou. You’re young, and you’ve come so far already. You’re so dedicated to your passion, and it’s obvious that your efforts are starting to pay off… your achievements always leave me starstruck.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, shut up.” Hinata throws a pillow to Kozume’s face. Then he stares at the clean, cream painted ceiling with golden streaks.  “Have you picked a room?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not yet.” Kozume answers him, finally laying down to join Hinata stare at the seemingly boring ceiling. “What about you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If possible, I want this to be my room.” Hinata says quietly, eyes turning to the door that leads to another balcony. “Because, I like the room design, it’s spacy, and.” Hinata points at the door he’s looking at. “There’s a cute mini garden at the balcony.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see.” Kozume looks out, “Then it’s yours. Are you fine with the furniture though? I can buy-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s all perfect.” Hinata cuts the other off. “I want everything to stay </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> like this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got it, you’re the boss.” Kozume’s eyes go back to the ceiling. Hinata laughs a little, then he falls silent. The two of them stay like that, orbs shifting from one object to another. Kozume, at the corner of his eye, is looking at Hinata. The boy just suddenly quieted down, and he was wondering if something was wrong, or was on his mind.Kozume doesn’t say anything because he knows Hinata’s zoned out by now, maybe even lost inside the train of his own thoughts. It’s just like that for longer, until Hinata rolls to his side to face Kozume.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He closes his eyes, breathing out slowly before speaking. “I have something to tell you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... yeah?” Kozume does the same, now the two of them are facing each other. He clasps his fingers together and puts it below his face, pillowing his cheekbone. “What’s that?” Kozume starts to feel anxious, but he hides this anxiety even though he didn't need to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata’s eyes are still closed, but his lashes are fluttering, as if he was trying to either squeeze his eyes shut or open them slightly. “He and I broke up the other day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What Hinata said makes Kozume sit up abruptly. “Really?! How?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata takes a while before talking again. “I panicked, and ended up saying things without thinking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... oh yeah?” Kozume lies prone, starting to stare at Hinata. “Tell me everything…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well.” Hinata sighs, “We were out, and he wanted to hug me… and I flinched.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He unnecessarily got mad.” The ginger trailed, “And we somehow started arguing, I don't even know what the reason was.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He shouted at me, and tried to grab my hand because I kept stepping back. And it made me panic, and I was like </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘no you can’t do this’</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Hinata flails his hand around, “and he was like ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>do what, I can’t understand you anymore.’, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and I broke down on the spot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouyou…” Kozume takes Hinata’s hand gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then, since I was panicking, I said that he disgusted me. And the conversation shifted, and I tried to apologize but he wouldn't listen to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he snapped, and me.. being weak, I just continued crying like that. Then he told me to leave him alone, so I did, and we broke up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s probably not the whole story,” Kozume grips Hinata’s hand, lifting it to his lips to place a chaste kiss, “But it’s okay if you don't want to talk about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... thank you.” Hinata huffs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think he’ll reach out someday?” Kozume keeps Hinata’s fingers near.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... don't think about him anymore. Just focus on yourself from now on, okay?” Kozume lets go to dig his fingers into Hinata’s locks, hand sliding down to the boy’s cheek. “He doesn't deserve your attention.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata scoffs. “Is that right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hell yeah.” Kozume pinches Hinata’s cheek, making the ginger open his eyes and pull away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” Hinata gets rid of the hand on his cheek. “What was that for?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because, about time.” Kozume furrows his brow, flicking Hinata’s forehead this time. “Your relationship with Kageyama is </span>
  <em>
    <span>beyond</span>
  </em>
  <span> fixing and toxicity. Just, leave him alone and forget about him, okay?” Kozume intertwined his fingers and leaned his chin on them. “Forget about that bastard.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A bitter smile finds its way to Hinata’s lips, “If only it was that easy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How long has it been?” Kozume asks, tucking his hair behind his ear. “Because your ‘the other day’ is sometimes what’s supposed to be ‘last week’.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think…” Hinata hums, “It’s been… what, 8 days I think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“8 days?! And you're only telling me now?!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, sorry!” Hinata laughs, sitting up and flicking Kozume’s forehead for revenge. “I forgot. I only told Tsukki, and Tsum yesterday. And the three of you are the only ones I’ve told so far.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, soon enough, the whole nation’s going to find out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah?” Hinata makes a funny face and Kozume hits it with a pillow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Kozume starts laughing, “It’s going to be the headline of tomorrow’s news.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever!” Hinata grabs another pillow to hit Kozume with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And sooner or later, your </span>
  <em>
    <span>oh so secret </span>
  </em>
  <span>admirers are going to start lining up, because, Hinata Shouyou.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata Shouyou</span>
  </em>
  <span>? It’s not like I’m a celebrity.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You aren't, yeah, but you're a star. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kozume thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The biggest star there is. </span>
  </em>
  <span> “Shouyou, you're way more amazing than you think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever, weirdo.” Hinata hits Kozume again, a little stronger this time. Then, he lies down, hugging the pillow to protect his face. “But it would be nice if that was the case, I guess being loved by a lot sounds cool.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah?” Kozume sits up again, putting the pillow on his legs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kozume’s eyes flutter open, then they close, and open again, but slowly this time around. He looks at the ceiling, and he notices how dull it’s become. The cream that was starting to get dirty, and the golden streaks that seemed to be dusty. The dim light that came from outside didn't help. It made the room that was once so bright appear to be so gloomy. Kozume rolls on his belly, breathing out and looking out to see the plants that he hasn't been tending to. He’s somewhat thankful for the rain, because of it, the drying flowers and plants are given a chance to drink once again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulls his phone from under the pillow to check the time, and it’s way past 11. He gets up quickly, grabbing a hoodie and putting it on before checking on his guests. He rushes to the open area on the second floor, and no one’s around. It’s quiet, so very quiet, that all he can hear is the continuous rain outside, and his footsteps and the ticking of the big clock on the wall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is everyone still asleep?” He asks himself, checking the room where the security monitors are. He just wants to check the front and the garage. Everyone’s car is still here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess so.” Kozume sits on the wheeled chair, sighing as he did. They all slept late, and Kozume knows for a fact that everyone was a heavy sleeper. It was cold too, the perfect weather to sleep in. He goes to his own room and turns his computer on to email the post office he talked to Atsumu about yesterday. It was probably better to get it done before he gets any ideas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looks at the letters that are placed on the table by the door. He has 7, Tsukishima has another seven, and Atsumu has two. Those 9 letters that weren't with him belong to those former Karasuno members, Oikawa and Iwaizumi. Kozume didn't even know that Hinata was close with Iwaizumi, but it was probably because of Oikawa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The post office responds quickly, and gives Kozume the instructions. The boy followed it, and sooner or later, all he had to do was deliver the letters to the office. He planned to do it later. Later or tomorrow. Whenever he gets the energy to go out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wonders how Tsukishima will deliver those. Will the blonde ask everyone out to meet up for lunch? Or will he give it to them personally, one by one? His attention shifts-he now wonders how Atsumu will give Oikawa’s letter when he’s out of the country. Iwaizumi’s as well, as he knows that the two aren't close. He even doubts that the two have met. He stares into his computer screen mindless, resting his elbow on his desk and placing his chin over the back of his hand. As he’s lost in thought, he’s brought back by hearing a knock on his door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sits up quickly and shouts, “It’s open.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door opens and there’s Bokuto, holding onto the doorknob with a small smile. “Good morning, Kenma.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning.” The boy stands up, “Hungry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, actually.” Bokuto lets go of the door so that Kozume could slip out. “Sorry, are you busy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at all.” Kozume says, walking down the hallway with Bokuto and hears noises on the ground floor. He looks down the mezzanine, and he finds Atsumu, Tsukishima and Akaashi walking around the sitting room, looking at pictures and other things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I didn’t know that you guys were awake already.” Kozume says, following behind Bokuto, who was going down the stairs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning.” They all greet, and Kozume just smiles and heads to the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, we just woke up, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mh-hm!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go see if there’s anything to eat, if not, let’s order.” Kozume states as he disappeared into the other room, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got ya!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Turns out, Kozume doesn’t have any food fitting for all of them so they just order out. It was late already, so they all just had brunch. And after brunch, one by one, they all started leaving. Tsukishima was the first to leave, followed by Bokuto and Akaashi. Sakusa, Atsumu and Kozume stood by the entrance, the two professional players were about to hop into the Atsumu’s car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, Kenma.” Atsumu gives the mentioned a firm grip on the shoulder and a genuine smile. “I’m leaving the letters to you. If anything comes up, I’m a call away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes…” Kozume waves faintly, “I’ll meet with Iwaizumi after a while.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. Don’t rush yourself.” Sakusa advises, waving back at the younger boy. “See you around.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kozume nods as Atsumu starts his car. “Have a safe trip, you two.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two nod back and leave, soon enough, Kozume’s back to being alone. He sighed, turning his back on the closing gates before walking into his empty home. After a few hours, all Kozume had to do was to send the letters to the post office. And in a year or so, it’ll be sent back. Hopefully, by then, all of them are living a better, brighter life.  The boy stared at the ceiling once again, noticing that it was still dark out. The rain yesterday must’ve kept the sun from coming. It’s cold, too. But Kozume’s used to that, the insipidity and the gloominess of his surroundings. It’s quiet, so he can hear his own heart beat, then the ticking of the clock, and the birds that were singing outside. Kozume doesn't realize it, but he’s starting to drift off. He fights it, however, and decides to get up, and get those letters to the post office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he showers, gets dressed, and heads out. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sooooooooooo i wanted the break up to be heard about in three different sides so uh huh kbye have a lovely day i am so sorry if its dull im just really having a hard time writing but at the same time the urge to write wont leave ldnvihosdbngisdng i cannot understand</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Trial (1/2)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“... is there anything I can do for you…?”<br/>“Sorry, Iwa, I don't think so.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>oikawa's theme song is heather by yall know it, conan gray.<br/>yea i deleted former 20 bc i wasnt happy w it, it was lackinging in many aspects<br/>so i think atl second half of this ch and first half of the next will be based in the past. where the hinata w no worries or trauma exists. also i wanted to include /that/ bc it's important in oikawa's development or hinata's past<br/>so do keep in mind that the hinata that will be mentioned is very different from the present or the passed</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<em> To my angel at the other side of the world, </em>” Oikawa read bitterly, brows knit together as he turned the envelope to the other side and opened it slowly. With his finger tips, he swiped and tore across the old glue. Once it was opened, Oikawa breathed out, sitting down on his bed and biting his lip for composure. “Okay… okay. You can do this.” </p><p>The boy who just arrived in Japan the other day took the letter outside. Inside the envelope were a few dated stickers and mini photos that Hinata took in Brazil. Oikawa cursed inwardly, and he felt the strain in his chest. The longing and emotions he’s kept away for so long comes rushing back, just like one of those big waves in the beaches of his second home.</p><p>Earlier today, he met up with his long time friend, Iwaizumi and Hinata’s <em> boyfriend </em>, Atsumu. Oikawa didn't know why Atsumu was around, as far as he knew Iwaizumi and Atsumu weren't even close. But there they sat, together, talking about how things were going.</p><p>It wasn't at all awkward at first, since Atsumu and Oikawa are literally magnets to anything fun. They're outspoken, upbeat, loud and somewhat insolent. Or at least, they <em> were </em>, before-all this. An hour into their talking, Atsumu got serious. He brought up the suicide letters Hinata left behind for them to read. After giving the envelopes, they talked for a bit… until Iwaizumi just said that it was better to leave everything at where they were for today. And so the two agreed. Iwaizumi could probably tell that Oikawa wasn't taking this well. And Oikawa was thankful for his friend’s suggestion. They all just agreed to meet up again, after a little while. Oikawa was back in his hotel room, he hadn't changed, showered, or ate. His mind was far too occupied with the papers he just recently obtained.</p><p>“<em> Oikawa </em> ,” was the opening. No hellos, no apologies or anything. Just… <em> Oikawa.  </em></p><p>“<em> As I’m writing this, I’m thinking about those days I shared with you, on the other side of the world, or Brazil. I’m remembering how the warm sand would stick on my feet, and how they would sink and turn red after running and playing for so long… As I’m writing this, I’m reminiscing of those long days I spent with you. Indoors and out. Eating, playing, watching tv and catching up…” </em></p><p>
  <em> “I miss Brazil, I miss the Hinata Shouyou that existed in Brazil. The me that were reborn and made into anew. I miss the burning sensation on my skin, the smell of fresh water and barbecue. I miss you, too, of course. And I am sorry.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I don't know how this letter will reach you, I don't even know if it will ever be delivered… but… if it does… I want you to know that I’m sorry. For leaving you behind, without saying anything…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m writing this on a rainy day. And on days like this, do you remember? We would make a pillow fort in the living room and watch movies until dawn…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Oikawa… I hope you aren't mad at me. I can't… exactly explain to you why I did it. And why I wanted to do it… but what I can tell you though is, I’m grateful for so many things. I’m so grateful to you, who took me in even though we weren't very close to begin with. You were the one who saved me from loneliness, talking to you, in japanese, felt so relieving! It felt like home. You felt like home. In that new environment I wasn't so sure of yet.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Because of you, I became a better person! And I have no regrets when it comes to you. I love you, so much, thank you for everything.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I'm sorry that I haven't really been updating you with my life. Everything’s just… everything's been so difficult lately that I keep forgetting to tell you things.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “However, I’ve come to write this and finally tell you something.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “It’s actually a favor… and it’s quite stupid of me, asking for this, when I don't know when you’ll be back in Japan but…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Watch over Kageyama for me… please? I know you don't like him. Do it for me, if it’s okay with you.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I just don't trust him when it comes to things like this… you know how he is, when he’s in the dark, it’s hard to pull him out.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Oikawa!!! Thank you so much for everything. I love you! And! I will be watching over you, and I wish you the very best! &lt;3” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I wish I could say ‘meet you on the court’, but that would be stupid, and insensitive of me, no?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “So instead…. Rule the court! Show em, Grand King.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “… I wish you happiness and safety. Goodbye.” </em>
</p><p>Oikawa covered his eyes, and he just realized that tears were already falling as he felt the dampness of his skin. He cursed, again and again, while he pressed harder on his lids. As somewhat an attempt to top the pain that was given by the tightening of his chest. He choked a sob out, but he still bit his lip because he didn’t want to actually start crying. Because he knew well that if he started to acknowledge these feelings he’s hidden away and buried deep down-it’ll be hard to stop to stop thinking. It’ll be hard to forget again.</p><p><em> Why? </em> Why did everyone have to get this now, and not any sooner?</p><p>“When everyone’s better bullshit.” Oikawa whispered, managing to draw his voice out despite the locking of his jaw. “If anyone received a letter from you, Shouyou,” He slowly, with much effort, tried to open his hardening hands to let go of the letter. “And was actually doing okay, reading this, would only break them again.”</p><p>“You really are stupid and insensitve.” Oikawa lets out a bitter laugh, falling on his back and holding his head. “But despite that… we all love you.”</p><hr/><p>Iwaizumi got out of his car after parking. He carried his shoulder bag with him, as well as his phone and two cups of hot coffee in a takeaway container. He was visiting Oikawa, it’s been a few days after they last met and it was currently 5 in the afternoon. He just finished his classes, he’s a little tired, but he doesn’t mind because he’s worried about his friend. </p><p>He hasn’t read his letter yet. He’s afraid of what he might read, and what kind of emotions will reciprocate. He walks into the hotel, then into the elevator. Waiting just a few seconds until he gets on Oikawa’s floor. Then he heads to Oikawa’s room. As he gets closer, his walking pace gets slower. </p><p><em> How do I say hi? </em> He thought, scratching his nose and thinking of what to say. <em> How will Oikawa look? What should I say? How careful should I be? </em> He arrives, and he’s now standing in front of his friend’s door. <em> Do I text him, saying I’m here or do I just knock? </em></p><p>
  <em> Has he forgotten that I was going to visit today? Is he okay-what should I say- </em>
</p><p>The door opens slowly, “Hey. How long are you going to stand there?” Iwaizumi freezes. He automatically smiles, and inspects how Oikawa’s looking. Right off the bat, it’s obvious that he’s been crying. “... are you coming in?”</p><p>“Yes.” Iwaizumi swallows, then he shows Oikawa the coffee. “I brought coffee.” </p><p>“I can see that.” Oikawa widens the opening of the door to let Iwaizumi in. “Come in.”</p><p>Iwaizumi nods and walks in, Oikawa leads him to the sitting room. He puts his bag down and sits. “... what were you doing?” He gives Oikawa his cup, then he gets his own, before folding the takeaway cardboard box.</p><p>“Not much, I was just lying down.” The other said, sitting across Iwaizumi and taking a sip from the coffee. “Thank you for this.” It’s unsettlingly awkward. Both of their eyes are on the wooden table, and they’re quiet, and none of the two make an effort to eliminate that silence.</p><p>For a while, they’re just like that. Sitting across each other and drinking coffee. All that was missing was Hinata and his talkativeness. </p><p>They only realize it now. It’s always Hinata who brings them together, it’s also him who talks first, or makes a topic. Iwaizumi wasn’t very close with Hinata until the ginger came over while Oikawa and Iwaizumi were talking through facetime. And like a big ball of sunshine, Hinata just invaded the call and that was the first time he talked with Hinata without formalities. The boy was cute, and it was obvious that he was attached to Oikawa. And whenever the three were together, during those times Iwaizumi would visit Brazil shortly, or when Oikawa would visit Japan-Iwaizumi couldn’t help but feel like he was number two. To the both of the boys. It wasn’t jealousy or anything. He was actually happy with being number two, he was happy as long as he could be with Hinata and Oikawa. He wasn’t childish, nor immature. Iwaizumi was the serious one among the three and that much was obvious. But there were some times when he would pray that he was as interesting as Oikawa, or as bright as Hinata. Sometimes he wishes that all of Hinata’s attention was on him. And sometimes it would be Oikawa’s attention that he wants. </p><p>These cravings were never talked about. He’s ashamed of even thinking about it. </p><p>“... How are you?” Iwaizumi asks, glancing at Oikawa quickly. His fingers intertwined together, eyes retreating back to the wooden table. Noticing the lines and vague prints here and there. “Have you read them?”</p><p>“I have.” Oikawa says plainly, inhaling deeply and exhaling. His mind can't focus, he’s having a hard time thinking about one thing. Hinata Shouyou this, Hinata Shouyou that. Unknowingly, Oikawa clicked his tongue, making Iwaizumi stare.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>Oikawa lightly shakes his head and leans back in his seat. “No.” He says this without hesitation or thinking. It’s just how he is with Iwaizumi. Honest.</p><p>“... is there anything I can do for you…?”</p><p>“Sorry, Iwa, I don't think so.” Oikawa leans forward, resting his forehead on the table and completely slumping. “Shouyou, instead of saying why he did it, asked me for a favor…”</p><p>“What favor?” Iwaizumi slides the cardboard to Oikawa’s head. So that the boy could use it as a pillow.</p><p>“He wants me to see Tobio. Ask him how he’s doing…” Oikawa sighs, hitting his head on the table once, lightly. “<em> Do it for me, </em>he said.” And again, he hits his head, a little stronger this time. “I can’t even take care of myself properly, and he asks me to take care of someone else-?!”</p><p>“Tooru!” Iwaizumi shouts, slipping his fingers in between the small gap of the table and Oikawa’s scratched skin. “Stop…” </p><p>“Why did he do it, Iwaizumi?!” Oikawa sobbed, pushing the other’s fingers away and covering his face. “Especially when I was finally around-when he even said that he wanted to go to Brazil and even planned to do things with me-why?!”</p><p>“Tooru, I don’t know-”</p><p>“Why did he do it when he looked so happy, talking about how we would move into a bigger house, just by the beach…?”</p><p>“... Tooru…”</p><p>“He smiled so beautifully and I couldn't see through it-how could I have not noticed that he was struggling?”</p><p>“It’s not your fault-”</p><p>“To hell with that!” Oikawa screams, “I was with him the day before. I could've done something! I could've noticed-I could've realized-he showed signs and yet it didn't reach me.”</p><p>“Tooru, stop…” Iwaizumi stands up to get around the table. He sits next to Iwaizumi, patting and rubbing their back for comfort. “Don’t blame yourself for the inevitable.”</p><p>“Inevitable?! Are you saying that we couldn't save him?!”</p><p>“Look, Tooru, what if it was an accident?”</p><p>“Explain why there’s letters then-!” Oikawa shakes his shoulder, pulling away from Iwaizumi’s hand. “I could've saved him! What do you mean, <em> inevitable?! </em>”</p><p>
  <em> That came out wrong. </em>
</p><p>“We could've been more helpful! What if I came home earlier, and was there for him more-what if-w.. what if…”</p><p>“Tooru, between us, it’s me who should be getting the blame…” Iwaizumi admits, huffing and withdrawing his hand. “I'm here. In Japan. Where <em> he </em> is, where… he <em> was… </em> and I didn't even check up on him often…”</p><p>“That’s because you were busy.”</p><p>“And you're busier than me. What’s more is you aren't in Japan. So it should be <em> me </em> who’s blaming myself.”</p><p>The two… as expected… didn't get anywhere with their conversation. They're just full of loathing that it’s becoming stupid.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> “Oikawa!” Hinata ran towards the other that he called. His feet met with damp sand, leaving bits of shells and dust flying as he lifted his feet and pushed his body forward. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oikawa stood by the shore, feet under the warm water. He turned to the ginger, smiling and waving at him as he watched the boy get closer and closer. “Shouyou.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Did you wait long?” Hinata asks, finally arriving behind Oikawa because he didn't want to get his feet wet. “The last delivery was a bit tricky…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Not at all, don't worry.” Oikawa pats Hinata’s hair, hand sliding to their cheek as Oikawa tilts his head to place a light peck on the ginger’s cheek. “How was work?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “It was okay.” Hinata returns the kiss, smiling back and holding his hands behind his back. His cheeks reddened a little, and they weren't very evident because of the shade of the setting sun that rested on his pretty face. “Got a little lost, but all went well.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Good to hear.” Oikawa turns around again, facing the sky that had shades of the lightest yellow to the deepest orange that eventually turned to indigo. “So, what should we do?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Don't ask me, you’re the one who called.” Hinata squats down to the sand, letting his finger tips touch the water that came and retreated. “Oh, I saw Kageyama on the big screen earlier!”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Oh, yeah?” Oikawa doesn't turn, nor does his voice change in tone. It’s just plain. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah. So cool.” Hinata gives up on the squat and just sits on the sand. “It hasn’t even been two years and look at him, already on the TV…”  Oikawa hears the ginger sigh, so his breath automatically follows. Oikawa sits next to Hinata, and Hinata leans his head on the taller one’s shoulder. “I want to go back and beat him already.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oikawa scoffs, “Already? You’ve got a long way to go, Shrimp.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oikawa snickers, and Hinata grumbles at this. Then, Oikawa carefully takes Hinata’s chin, Hinata’s lips curl into a gentle smile as his cheeks redden. Hinata’s cute face makes Oikawa feel his heart thump and do a whole flip. And he freezes, the two stare into each other’s eyes like that, under the sky that was beginning to darken. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... so, are you going to kiss me or not?” Hinata tilts his head, and Oikawa chuckles, shaking his head before leaning in to kiss the eager boy. They both smile into the quick, affectionate kiss. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “So impatient.” Oikawa says as they pull apart, the ginger rolls his eyes and taps his boyfriend’s nose. “What?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Since it’s already night, we should just have dinner and call it a day.” Hinata gets up, and Oikawa nods as he stands up as well. “Where do we eat? It’s  your turn to treat me.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> … these two. These two that were together, that were in love, that breathed so far from homeland, were actually in a ‘secret’ relationship. No one back in Japan knows except for Iwaizumi. How come? Because they just think it’s better that way.  Hinata, especially. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata’s hand slips into Oikawa’s by default as they leave the beach and go to a place to eat. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hand in hand, the two walk with light hearts. Oikawa and Hinata’s relationship is pretty baseless. They’re together because Oikawa confessed, and Hinata agreed to being together because he wanted to see if things would work out with Oikawa. By baseless is, there isn’t much mutuality between them. Thus, there are no expectations, no rules or difficulties. They promised each other only to be together if both parties are fine and doing well, if faced with problems, one is free to leave or give up. Hinata is the person who suggested this. And at first, Oikawa just thought that he was afraid. But… it turns out that the boy’s just infatuated with someone who he currently can’t reach. Oikawa’s long accepted that, and it doesn’t really bother him because he knows that Hinata’s all his. At least, for now.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oikawa and Hinata end up eating at the usual place. There’s this asian restaurant near Oikawa’s apartment that the two frequently come to.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Thanks for the treat~” Hinata says as he watches his boyfriend pay the check. “Are we going to part ways later?” He picks up his iced tea and sips from it, eyes not leaving Oikawa. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “No… come over.” Oikawa gives the paycheck to the waiter, he looks at Hinata and puts his hand over theirs. “Bed’s been feeling empty lately.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata chuckles on nods. “Okay. Let’s go?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oikawa and Hinata walk home, again, hand in hand. While they walk, Hinata’s on his phone, scrolling through messages from a group chat he’s in. He smiles and giggles from time to time, and Oikawa wants to peek and see what’s making them laugh but he remains quiet. As they arrive home, they both shower and Oikawa just lends his boyfriend extra clothing.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “So, what are you plans for tomorrow?” Oikawa asks as he wears an old sweater, then he turns the air conditioning on. “Are you going to be busy?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Well, it’s a Sunday tomorrow. So I don’t have work. We can go on a date, if you want!”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oikawa feels all the butterflies in the world spawn in his stomach. “Sounds great.” </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ok its not that im giving yall a reason to hate hinata<br/>its just that, like i said, hinata being like this is very important to oikawa's character development in the story, so is kageyama's and maybe even atsumu too</p><p>this (or the next) will most likely be my last update in a few months. ol classes are shit</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Savior (2/2)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The first thing he properly sees is the letter he read just the other day, sitting there, waiting to be either thrown away or properly kept.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊<br/>not a lot of things happenin</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “Shouyou,” Oikawa coos gently, moving to his side and letting his arm support all the weight of his upper body. He looked over his boyfriend, who was sleeping like a kid. His mouth was agape with dried saliva peeling from the corners of his lips, beautiful orange lashes are joined together by dried tears. Oikawa sighs in contentment, if only everyday could be like this. Waking up, seeing Shouyou first thing, hearing his breathing, and feeling his warmth. Not feeling lonely overall.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata, in some ways, is his savior. And it is the same for Hinata. Because to the both of them, they are each other’s light. It was Oikawa who pulled Hinata from his loneliness, and it’s the same for Hinata to Oikawa. They are each other’s sanctuary from desolation. For Hinata, Oikawa is the only person he can feel at home with, in this foreign place he’ll have to stay for at least a year longer. Oikawa is the person Hinata knows he can be himself with. Unlike the others, there are no language barriers, there are no difficulties in communication or likings with Oikawa. Both of them came from the same place, Miyagi, or home. For Oikawa, it is Hinata who reminds him that he is different. That he doesn’t belong in Brazil, and that note reminds him everyday that he isn’t alone anymore. He won’t have to feel isolated anymore. Because Hinata’s here to assure him that everything will be fine.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> By some ways, for Oikawa, Hinata is the one who is giving him peace. But Hinata is also the one causing uneasiness in his heart. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And he’s quite confused, because in Brazil, there are a lot of beautiful women. Oikawa knows to himself that he’s bisexual, and he’s had his flings with some of the girls that he met at the beach, but with Shouyou… Shouyou is exceptional. He glows in a way that Oikawa just can’t ignore, or get enough of-when he confessed, unplanned and untimely, he never expected Hinata to actually agree to dating him. He actually blurted the confession out. It wasn’t anything special or scripted-he really just said it out of nowhere. And Hinata, at first, thought he was joking. That whole day, Hinata was indifferent because he didn’t take it seriously.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> … until they shared their first kiss, and Hinata kissed back, surprisingly. And that day, they started dating. And a few days later, a contract was made. Oikawa remembers it clearly. The boy sighed, falling on his back and turning his head to the window to gaze at the blue sky. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “While we’re together, none of us should suffer.” Shouyou said, getting a folded leaf from his pocket and giving it to Oikawa. “I thought about some stuff, and we should keep these in mind while we’re together.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>     “Goodness, didn’t know you used your brain still.” Oikawa teases, accepting the paper Hinata’s handing him and reading it through. “One, respect each other’s decisions. Duh, Shouyou, that’s given.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “Two is if one wants to let go, there should be no grudges nor attachments.” Hinata continues, “I’m sorry, I don’t know how these dating things go.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “It’s fine. It seems kinda fun,” Oikawa lifts the contract, “Let’s see. Three is, keep problems to a minimum so that… I can’t read this.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “We won’t be distracted with training.” Hinata reads for Oikawa. But he didn’t really need to because he has the agreement memorized. “Is there anything you want to add?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      Oikawa hums first, “Yeah. While we’re together, your focus should be on me and me only.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “Easy. Oikawa, I don’t cheat.” Hinata pouts. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “Sure, but you do attract a lot of people. So while you’re with me, you should be with just me. And of course, the same applies to yours truly.” Oikawa smiles, and Hinata rolls his eyes but agrees regardless. “Also, as much as possible, Shouyou…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      The two look into each other’s eyes.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “I want you to be honest with me. No secrets.” Oikawa smiles nonchalantly. “Okay?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “Of course.” Hinata returns the smile, then Hinata puts his hand in front. “Deal?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “Deal.” Oikawa says, quietly, as he takes Hinata’s hand and brings it up to his lips to place a gentle kiss on the back of Hinata’s hand. “This should be sealed with a kiss.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “Then…” Hinata pulls Oikawa’s hand to his lips, but Oikawa withdraws his hand and kisses Hinata on the lips. This causes the boy to turn into a deep shade of red. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>      “I meant on the lips.” Oikawa clears, “How cute.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Thinking back on it now.... Why was a contract even needed? It’s not like they’re with each other for their own benefit. There’s nothing they’re getting out of each other but company and sweet nothings. Maybe food, shared shelter and volleyball knowledge, too, but, that’s all there is to it. It’s not like they’re together for fame or money. And…  number two… never fails to make Oikawa anxious. Does this ‘rule’ mean or show that Hinata’s planning to leave eventually? Well, of course, everyone leaves eventually but… Honestly, Hinata didn’t have to point that out. Number one, respect each other’s decisions. Does this mean that if Hinata plans on leaving and doesn’t want to give Oikawa an explanation, the topic should be automatically dismissed? Oikawa reads into it too much and he just keeps on thinking that this agreement is all to Hinata’s benefit.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The basic rules he set was that, at all times, be honest, and that, in each other’s lives, there should be no one else. Those two things are naturally set when in a relationship but he felt the need to mention it. He didn’t know why- but he had to stand his ground. This wasn’t war. But somehow, with Hinata, it felt like he needed to be (unnecessarily) careful all the time. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Come what may, Oikawa never really felt that Hinata’s heart was with him. Despite the kisses they shared, or the exchanging of i love yous and the cuddling. He always felt that Hinata longed for someone else, that he was either distracted or not himself.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Even when there were no possible threats existing, even when he was the boyfriend, he still felt inferior towards someone. And that someone was Kageyama Tobio. Hinata’s partner since his first year.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It’s evident in how he speaks, or how there’s stars in his eyes whenever he speaks of Kageyama or sees them on the screen. He’s in love with the setter prodigy, that much was obvious, but the ginger himself was unaware. Somehow. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata whimpers in his sleep, and this is what cuts Oikawa’s train of thoughts. Oikawa sits up, digging his fingers into Hinata’s hair before kissing it. “Princess, wake up.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Agh…” Hinata groans, facing the wall and pushing Oikawa’s hand away with little determination. “Want to sleep, still…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Aw, but I want to eat breakfast outside…” Oikawa pouts, lying back down to hug the back of his boyfriend he so often doubted. “Come on, I’ll buy you everything you want today. So, let’s get ready?”  </em>
</p><p><em>Hinata hums, turning</em> <em>his head to Oikawa with his sleepy eyes. “Promise?”</em></p><p>
  <em> “Promise, Princess.” Oikawa grins, leaning in to kiss Hinata’s lips. Their lips touch only for a bit, before Oikawa gets up again to strip himself from his clothing. “I’m going to take a shower, are you joining me?”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata rolls around the bed, wrapping himself with the covers. “You go first, I’ll gather my wits first.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Okay~” Oikawa says and excuses himself to the bath.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> About an hour and thirty minutes later, the two arrive in a cafe located by the bay. Where the scent of the freshwater is strong, and the sun is hot, where there are many people going about their days. The two sit under a large umbrella over a round table. They sit next to each other, and as per usual, Hinata’s resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Oi, are you still sleepy?” Oikawa asks while he’s looking over the menu. “Should I order you coffee?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yes, please.” Hinata murmurs. Oikawa sighs to this and adds a cream based coffee on his list. Along with that is their breakfast and a glass of orange juice. They eat, and after eating, they walk around. After breakfast, the usual hyped up Hinata was back. The energetic little shrimp that Oikawa loves ever so much that it blinds him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “By the way…” Oikawa starts while they’re walking into a park. “What are we going to do once you’re back in Japan?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What do you mean?” Hinata forms a thin line with his lips, taking his phone out to take a picture of the ocean meeting with the blue sky that had not even a single cloud. “By then, we would probably be apart already.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata says this as if it was so simple. And that fact breaks Oikawa a little.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... you think so? Is this why you set those agreements? So that when you’re going back to Japan, you can just leave me behind?” Oikawa lets go of Hinata’s hand, noticing that the boy was having a hard time taking a picture with just one hand.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Well, yeah. I think it’s better that way.” Hinata’s camera clicks. “Don’t you? LDR’s kinda hard, right?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oikawa hides the bitterness with a smile. “I agree. I think it’s better if we break up before you leave.”  This is a lie. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Definitely. To save ourselves from sad goodbyes.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You mean, to save yourself from problems? Oikawa thought, then he retrieved Hinata’s hand as the boy hid his phone away. “I know, right.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Right!” They continue walking, and it;s quiet until they’re really inside the park. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Shouyou, do you love me?” Oikawa asks with ease, but deep inside he’s extremely anxious.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hinata looks at him first, then the boy nods. “Of course.” He says this so casually. Like it was by default, or he was programmed to naturally say that he loved his boyfriend in the same exact way. Unfortunately for Oikawa, there is no redamancy. “I love you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “... heh. I love you, too.” </em>
</p><hr/><p>Oikawa wakes up to the ringing of his cellphone. First few rings, he ignores it. Until a few more, when he realizes that the caller probably really needs to speak with him since it’s been ringing for a while already. Oikawa grumbles, patting his hand around the side of his pillow and bedside table to find his phone because he was too lazy to open his eyes. </p><p>Once he finds his phone, he just answers it, he doesn't even look at the caller ID. “Oikawa speaking…”</p><p>“<em> Tooru. Good morning.” </em></p><p>“Ah. Iwa. Morning. Why did you call?”</p><p>“<em> I just wanted to confirm that you’re going back to Brazil in 4 days, correct?” </em></p><p>“On the 20th, yes.” </p><p>“<em> Well you see. </em>”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“<em> ... the 6th months mark,” </em></p><p><em> “... </em> I know.”</p><p>“<em> Everyone's planning on getting together, I heard from Atsumu, there’s a gathering at Kozume’s home… </em>”</p><p>“Are you telling me to cancel my flight for this?”</p><p>“<em> No. It’s just that, I wanted to tell you.” </em></p><p>
  <em> -“You mentioned that you never really talked about him ever, right? Since that day.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> -“I honestly think that this is your chance to find acceptance or something.” </em>
</p><p>“Iwa… you're spewing bullshit. Good bye.”</p><p>Oikawa huffs, hangs up, sets his phone on silent and throws his phone somewhere. <em> Acceptance? </em> “Heh.” <em> Fuckery. He didn't give me the closure I deserved. Instead, he asked for a favor. </em>“Please watch over my one and only true love.” Oikawa said in a mimicking voice, then he covers his lips and makes a peace sign. “Oops. Sorry, Shouyou. Didn't mean to disrespect you.”</p><p>Oikawa turns on his belly, resting his chin on a pillow. It’s okay if he misses his flight on the 20th, he doesn't have immediate training sessions back in Brazil. He’s actually given the whole month off, but he only decided to stay in Japan for a week because he doesn't know if he can handle it or not. To breathe in the space that Hinata reminded him of. And to see the people he lost to; Kageyama, and Atsumu.</p><p>The two people he knows Hinata actually loved. </p><p>He wonders how it felt like.</p><p>Did they cuddle until dawn too? Did they run in the beach, throw water at each other and fall in the sand laughing like there was no tomorrow? Did they bet on volleyball games and won, most of the time, together? Did they kiss in bed, half naked and intoxicated? </p><p>These memories are what Oikawa holds dearest. It’s the memories that remind him that somehow, Shouyou loved him, too. You can't do something like that with someone you have no feelings for. Oikawa’s just wondering what it’s actually like if Hinata genuinely loved someone. </p><p>Would he be the one who wakes up first and makes breakfast? Would he be the one asking the other to take a bath together? Would he be the one offering to pay most of the time? Would he be the one letting the other rest on their shoulder?</p><p><em> That would be heavenly. </em>Oikawa’s eyes finally open, his room is completely dark. He hovers over to the side to turn on the lamp, and once he does, the first thing he properly sees is the letter he read just the other day, sitting there, waiting to be either thrown away or properly kept.</p><p>He picks it up to read the last few lines. “I wish I could say ‘meet you on the court’, but that would be stupid, and insensitive of me, no? <em> So instead, rule the court! Show em, Grand King. I wish you happiness and safety. Goodbye. </em>” Oikawa reads out, then his eyes shift to a part of the letter. The favor.</p><p>Which reminds him. He hasn't seen Kageyama on TV for a while. Oikawa was completely against it, and the idea of speaking to Kageyama was something he didn't like. Despite the venom he wants to slash into Kageyama’s veins, Oikawa picks his phone off the ground to make the call.</p><p>“If it’s not his number anymore then that’s a blessing for me.” He says simply, scrolling through his contacts and searching for Kageyama’s ID. Once found, he taps on it and calls. “It’s already 1 in the afternoon, so he should probably be in the middle of lunch break.”</p><p>He brings his phone to his ear, listening to the ringing and waiting for Kageyama to pick up. It just rings, continuously, until he is told that the ID being called is unavailable at the moment. He decides to call again. “The heck is he up to?”</p><p>It rings, again, and once picked up-“Oi, Tobio. What’s up?” Oikawa says, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible. “How are you? I haven't heard from you in so long.”</p><p>
  <em>“... Oikawa? Is that you…?”</em>
</p><p>“Y.. yeah? Are you okay?” Oikawa sits up, noticing Kageyama’s voice that didn't sound well. It was a little unsettling-“Tobio?”</p><p><em>“... heh. What’s this..? is this a sign I shouldn't do it?”</em> Oikawa hears Tobio whisper, and it sends him shuddering. <em>“Oikawa… why did you call?”</em></p><p>“No reason!” Oikawa answers quickly. “Hey, where are you?” He feels like he’s in danger, he finds himself standing up and getting ready to head out. “Let’s meet up, I’ll buy you food.”</p><p>
  <em> “Oikawa, I don't want to be here anymore.”</em>
</p><p>“Okay, I’ll pick you up, then. Where are you? Are you in the dorms?”</p><p>
  <em>“... no. I mean… I…”</em>
</p><p>Oikawa picks his room key and leaves the hotel in a hurry, calling a cab. “Quickly, tell me your location. I’m in a cab.”</p><p>
  <em>“W… what?”</em>
</p><p>“Your location. Give it.”</p><p>
  <em>“Uh… at the beach… near the tower..”</em>
</p><p>“Stay still, I’m on my way.” Oikawa hangs up.</p><p>Oikawa told the driver the address, and as he sat back, he questioned himself-<em> what the fuck am I doing? </em> He holds his head, <em> I was going to check up on him, not meet him out of the blue. </em></p><p>But… there <em> was </em> an urge to check on Kageyama so suddenly. His voice just sounded off. And why would he be on the beach in this cold weather? It’s probably freezing out there. </p><p>As he arrives, it’s as expected, no one is around. It’s too cold to visit the beach. And the beaches in Tokyo aren't very decent. Considering that it’s in the city, the waves are too big, and it’s not very good for actual swimming. Many people drown in the beaches of Tokyo for its untamed waves. </p><p>An idea pops in Oikawa’s head. It sickens him to the stomach.</p><p>He calls Kageyama again. And the boy picks up after four rings. “Oi! I’m here. Where are you?” </p><p>
  <em>“I see you from here…” </em>
</p><p>Oikawa looks around, “Really? I don't see you.” </p><p>“<em>That’s because…”</em> Oikawa hears Kageyama draw a deep breath. <em>“I’m not near the entrance. Oikawa, why did you want to see me?”</em></p><p>Oikawa started running, and as he ran, he felt sand getting into his shoes. “I told you already, it’s been a while.”</p><p>“<em>... it’s odd.</em>”</p><p>“What is?” Oikawa managed to say as he ran faster.</p><p>“<em>You, coming, out of nowhere. Like this. When I’m planning on ending my life.”</em></p><p>“... bullshit, Tobio. Where are you?! Stay still, okay?”</p><p>“<em> Are you an angel?” </em>Kageyama asks before hanging up.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>⚠️meantion of death⚠️<br/>my original plan was to have kags die of hypothermia/drowning but here i am. inserting another 'angel' in his life<br/>&gt;⚠️<br/>hope u enjoyed ?? have a lovley day<br/>comment if u can! yall comments mean the world to me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. 6 months later and 6 months more</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>And he's positive that hearing about Hinata now, especially during the time he was happy, would only bring a smile to Atsumu’s lips. He’d be happy, knowing that Hinata lived, as much as he could.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sumn light for once heh</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Hey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Been a while.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I don’t visit often.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu says quietly, holding a beautiful bouquet of roses, lilies and chrysanthemums. All were in different colors, but each color complimented each other and it wasn't just a mess of hues. He lifted the bouquet, awkwardly, at that, and looked at Hinata’s picture. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got you flowers.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiles bitterly, placing the bouquet carefully into the ring. He huffs, stepping back and pursing his lips. A whole  year is nearly coming to an end. A year just shrouded by darkness and unfamiliar territory.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your anniversary is in a few days.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m getting used to it, I mean, a year should be enough… right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Although I must admit that everything would be a thousand times better if you were around.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But that would mean my happiness… right? not yours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu sighs, touching the glass gently. He inspected the things put inside the column. At the back was of course, the beautifully designed urn that contained Hinata’s ashes. Beside it was a picture of the ginger, it was changed recently. The last time Atsumu visited, it was Hinata wearing his MSBY jersey, inside the Hinata residence. Now, it’s Hinata standing on a beach, wearing casual clothes, a genuine smile on his face. This was probably taken in Brazil. By Oikawa.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>6 months ago, he had a little chat with the older boy with the hazel hair and the annoying attitude. Annoying attitude… well… not really… it’s just that it got on his nerves because Hinata talked about him highly, and it just turns out that he’s a dick. Sakusa told him, ‘You’re a dick, too.’, when he was ranting once. But maybe that’s Hinata’s taste? Guys without manners. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dicks</span>
  </em>
  <span>, like he and Sakusa said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He also found out that Oikawa was Hinata’s ex. Hinata’s first. He shouldn't have found out. They were drinking, Oikawa’s tongue slipped. In the morning, Oikawa denied it but when Atsumu asked him head on, he admitted that it was true. And that they were together for nearly 2 years. The jealousy that spiked, Atsumu was so envious of Oikawa.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa said that his relationship with Hinata was supposed to be secret, but since Atsumu came to him with such a serious face, he couldn't come to lie. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The boy explained, “We got together after a few months of finding out that he was in Brazil. I confessed, he accepted my feelings. We started ‘dating’, we had an agreement. It didn't feel like we were actually dating, fubus, maybe, or… just very close friends? That would be a better term for it.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He continued, “The whole time we were together, I felt like I wasn't actually the one he loved. Tobio, he was always watching that jerk. Anyway… he broke it off once he was going back to Japan. So there’s not a lot of history between us…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Bullshit!” Atsumu said, shaking Oikawa’s shoulders. “There’s gotta be more!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well, if you're interested about how Hinata is in bed, I could tell you th-”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, shut up!” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Again, the jealousy that spiked. Atsumu wondered what kind of person Hinata was, without the trauma, specifically Hinata in a relationship. Was he the one who initiated most kisses? Did they drink the night away, half naked and with their hair messy, just like in the movies? What did Hinata love doing the most? Did he prefer movie night over simply cuddling in the bed like he once did? How wide was his smile? How brightly did he shine? Just how much happiness did he give Oikawa? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something in Atsumu wanted to ask everything about Hinata, but for the betterment of his sanity, he held back. He doesn't know if hearing about Hinata spending his life, carefree, with someone that wasn't him would be good. It’s a stupid hypothesis but he was sure that if Oikawa told him more, his body wouldn't only have blood and sadness in his veins, it would be blood, sadness and jealousy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anyway… that was six months ago. And he's positive that hearing about Hinata now, especially during the time he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy</span>
  </em>
  <span>, would only bring a smile to Atsumu’s lips. He’d be happy, knowing that Hinata lived, as much as he could. Stupid of him to think about it now, but Hinata had a life before MSBY Black Jackals. An interesting one, a story Atsumu would never get sick hearing of. Their relationship span was short (3 months). But Atsumu admits that even if he met Hinata and during high school and kept in touch (which they didn't, by the way), all those years wouldn't be enough still. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He met Hinata again after 8 years. And he was taken. He was happy, and then he wasn't. And the whole time they dated, Hinata was never genuinely happy. Atsumu just knows this well. Even when there would be times when Hinata would look okay. He just knew that he wasn't. Everyone could tell, actually. Just as time passed, Hinata’s body that was once thick with muscles soon began to become smaller. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was an issue once, but Hinata explained that he just didn't feel well. Which was why he was allowed to skip training as much as he wanted. Everyone was very concerned. But Atsumu, Sakusa and Bokuto, were of course the ones who worried the most.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have a game soon!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And the coach allowed me to play again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aint a bench warmer anymore…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proud of me, right? Omi is, too. Bokkun, as you know, is taking his time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you don't have to worry, he’s getting better too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wish us luck, yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu sighs, smiling again and shoving his hands into his pockets. Inside the column were a few medals and trophies, then some other things that meant a lot to Hinata.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Six months more, they’ll get the letters back. Atsumu doesn't think about it a lot. Neither does anyone else. Everyone’s too focused on getting back on their feet. Especially Kozume, who’s back on his gaming channel, and is one of MSBY’s main and most active sponsors. Akaashi’s taking more projects, finally. Since Bokuto’s doesn't need much caring anymore. The latter started staying in his dorm again. Started taking better care of himself, and he’s back at volleyball. He’s ready to be the ace again. That was good news, wonderful news, actually. Because Bokuto’s attachment to Hinata is different, the ginger was his disciple, and he was so proud of Hinata. He loved Hinata like a little brother, he’d do anything for him. Put the two together, it would be sunshine galore. The two were specifically inseparable when it came to fun and games. Volleyball idiots who never ran out of energy. Bokuto who had an ego, and Hinata who was his ego-booster and baby brother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sakusa’s been a little open with his emotions. No one really pushes him to do this, so in his own way, he’s healing. He’s been sleeping on the right time, too, without the help of pills. He still gets dreams, or nightmares, but not as often as before. And it doesn’t really affect him as much. Tsukishima, on the other hand… no one’s really heard from him. He’s been awfully quiet, in social media and in the volleyball world. Yamaguchi updates everyone every now and then, according to him, Tsukishima’s focusing on his studies for now. He says that Tsukishima isn’t very passionate with volleyball anymore, and that the boy took a break from it altogether. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, in one way or another- everyone’s getting better. In their own pace, and in their own ways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss you… a whole lot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s not a day that passes where we don’t think about you…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re in a better place… right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You better be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu touches one of the flowers, rubbing his thumb over a beautiful sapphire petal. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I hope you’re happy, happier than all of us. Hopefully, you're not sad anymore. I hope you’re all smiling and laughing up there. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, baby, I came unprepared. I don’t have much to tell, neither do I have anything else to update you about…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right… your sister, she talks to me sometimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying to fulfill my role as an older brother to her. So, you don’t have to worry about her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to protect her from guys. Don’t worry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to visit your family every now and then, too. Leave everything to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... I have to go, I still have training later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, Shouyou. I’ll visit again soon. I miss you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The blonde withdraws his hand, stepping back and rubbing his neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll see you in a bit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu leaves, and he slowly walks back to his car. Inside his car is Sakusa, possibly sleeping, buckled up in the front passenger seat. A few steps away, Atsumu can tell that Sakusa is unmoving, with his arms crossed, chin hidden under his jacket, his temple resting on the windows. A few steps closer, Atsumu can see that Sakusa’s eyes are covered by their hair, he’s sleeping. Atsumu tries to open the door but it’s locked, so he’s left with the choice of waking up the other. Gently, he knocked on the window. Sakusa wakes up almost immediately, looking over to the side and unlocking the doors for Atsumu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, sorry. I had to wake you up.” Atsumu said as he climbed in and shut the door as both of his feet settled inside. He locks the door again, and starts driving. “Did you wait long?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sakusa shakes his head, leaning his temple on the window again. “It’s okay. I don’t really mind.” He pulls his jacket up his nose, closing his eyes again. “I’m going to try to sleep again, wake me up when we’re there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got you.”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>“Kou,” Akaashi calls from the front door. He’s from work, he’s a little tired, but he doesn't really care. In one hand is his bag, in the other is a box of his boyfriend's favorite cake. “I'm home!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kicks his shoes off before walking in, and he expects the sound of Bokuto’s voice and footsteps. But instead, he is given nothing. He puts his things down, walking to the bedroom to the bedroom to check if his boyfriend was sleeping there. He opens the door, swiftly, and finds no one. The room is empty. “Koutaro?!” He calls again, and again, he doesn't get a reply. He checks the bathroom, then he runs back to his bag to get his phone-but he realizes that there’s noise coming from the living room. He walks in, sweat running down the sides of his face and a little uneasy, finds the TV on. It’s on the sports channel, and volleyball's playing. It’s an old game from last year. “K-koutaro?” He looks around, then looks over the couch to find his boyfriend sleeping there. “Oh my god.” Akaashi sighs, nearly collapsing on the couch but he holds onto it for balance. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shit, I worry way too much. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He holds his head and kneels on the ground, letting out a heavy breath. “He’s just sleeping, nothing to worry about.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few moments of trying to compose himself, Akaashi walks to the front, eyeing his boyfriend, then the TV. “More importantly… volleyball’s playing…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sports channel was one way or another banned after Hinata’s death. Bokuto just somehow developed a fear for it. Watching their old game with Hinata. It made him incredibly sad. Once, while Akaashi was flipping through the channels-an old game of MSBY was playing, with Shouyou in it , and they only saw a few seconds of it but it affected Bokuto so badly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And… here Bokuto was, sleeping peacefully with the TV on. Akaashi sits beside his boyfriend, leaning down to fix their hair. “Kou… I’m home…” Bokuto groans, moving to his side and facing the backrest. “You should move to the bed…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto doesn't respond, and Akaashi continues stroking their hair. “I brought cake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto looks over his shoulder slowly with lidded eyes and he mumbles, “... what cake…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your favorite.” Akaashi smiles, pulling back and opening his arms. “Hug me please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto sits up and lazily hugs his boyfriend, smiling as he did so. “Welcome home…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m back.” Akaashi answers, hugging his boyfriend tightly and moving from side to side slightly. “Want to eat cake?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto nods, “Yes, let’s eat cake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two get up, Bokuto walks to the kitchen to get plates and utensils. Akaashi picks the cake up from the front door cabinet. He joins Bokuto in the kitchen and places the cake on the table, opening it and cutting it with a knife.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the occasion?” Bokuto asks, sitting down and placing his fork in between his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing, I just wanted to buy you something.” Akaashi places a big slice of cake on Bokuto’s plate and slides it towards the boy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I thought that you needed something to calm you down.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “And you love this, right?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>But it seems like I’m wrong…?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mm-hm!” Bokuto smiles, kissing Akaashi’s cheek before digging in. “Thank you for this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two start to eat, and in the background, the sound of the commentators, the vague cheering and the sound of the volleyball being hit and landing on the floor echoed in the background. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akaashi carefully watched his boyfriend. Bokuto was showing no signs of anxiety. Bokuto looks up, catching Akaashi and his staring. So, the boy averts his gaze and stuffs cake into his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh!” Bokuto says after swallowing, “One of our matches played earlier!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah!” Bokuto pierced his fork into his cake, “Semi finals last season, Shouyou was amazing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, the one against the hornets?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah! I’m surprised you remember…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pfft.” Akaashi gets up to get water. “Of course I remember, I was there.” He gets two water bottles from the fridge and places them on the table. “I may not have attended all your matches but I remember every single one, especially the ones I attended.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s true.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn't say that I was doubting you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I need to prove myself to you, I remember that in that game, during the 3rd set. You scored 6 consecutive points.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it’s normal you know that. Tell me something that would convince me that you </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>remember the whole game.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you need convincing.” Akaashi cocked his brow, and Bokuto giggled at this. Akaashi hummed, sitting back and crossing his arms. “I think it was during the fourth set when Atsumu got mad at Shouyou.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto smiles bitterly. “And why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He… slipped.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... yeah… Shouyou was kind out of it, that day… Atsumu and him got into a fight after…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Because of Tobio.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... huh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And after that they started dating.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure they didn't start dating right after…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keiji!” Bokuto says and the latter looks, pushing his glasses up. “Let’s get better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akaashi smiles and he nods, “Yes.” The two finished their slices of cake and drank their water. After, Akaashi checked his wrist watch. It was a little over six, and if he remembers-Bokuto has training at seven-thirty. “You have training later, did you forget?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto freezes, looking at the clock on the wall. “R-right! I forgot.”He gets up and kisses Akaashi’s forehead, “I’ll shower quickly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Do that, I’ll clean up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto nods and disappears into the hallway. Akaashi gathers the  plates and utensils, walking to the sink and placing them down. He turns the faucet on, letting water run down everything first. He disposes of the bottles, too, throwing them into the recyclable bag. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He starts washing the dishes, spacing out as he does so. Bokuto came over last night with the excuse of saying that he sleeps better when he’s next to Akaashi. It’s probably no lie, Bokuto sleeps like a baby when they’re on the bed together-he hogs all the blankets to himself, and even kicks Akaashi off the bed sometimes. Akaashi doesn’t really mind. He’s happy to see that Bokuto’s back to his old sleeping habits. Even if it meant waking up in the middle of the night, cold and on the floor. Knowing that Bokuto was getting the rest he needed and so much deserved was enough for Akaashi. The other day, Akaashi woke up in the bed alone. So he simply assumed that Bokuto left for training already. Turns out, his boyfriend was in the kitchen making them breakfast. It’s been a while since he did that, so Akaashi couldn’t help but smile and tear up a little. The thought alone makes him smile. He looks like an idiot, smiling like that with his cheeks a little red, fresh tears welling in his eyes. He’s just so happy that Bokuto’s going back to his old self. Akaashi can see that Bokuto’s really trying, it’s obvious that he’s doing all this for Hinata. To be able to read his letter once he gets them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What Akaashi doesn’t know though is that Bokuto’s doing all this for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boy just thinks that it’s about time to get a hold of himself. He’s been lost for way too long, and he knows that he’s dragging Akaashi down along with him. So, he’s decided to really try and commit himself to a better lifestyle. Of course… there would be times when he would be sad, can’t help it, he’s Bokuto Koutarou, and his emotions often hover over him like a big wave. Sometimes he just can’t escape it. But he knows better now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finished showering and headed to his bedroom to get dressed. He just threw on casual clothing since his work out clothing was in his dorm, back at the MSBY headquarters. He fixes his hair, pulling it back as per usual and putting a coat on. He goes to the living room, Akaashi’s sitting on the couch, resting. He hugs his boyfriend from behind, kissing their hair that smelled like shampoo, cologne and sweat.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going now.” Bokuto mutters into Akaashi’s hair before leaning his chin on the other’s shoulder. “Thanks for the cake. If we finish early, I’ll come back later. If not, I’ll return in the morning.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, don’t bother.” Akaashi pats Bokuto’s head. “You should just rest there. Don’t mind me, I have work anyways.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure? You can’t finish that cake on your own.” Bokuto chuckles and lets go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akaashi hums, “Right. Then, bring it with you and share it with the rest. Just hide it from your coach.” He gets up and walks to the front door with Bokuto. “I’ll drive you there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto giggles, “Okay. Thank you, sweetie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akaashi locks up while Bokuto gets the cake, then get in their car, and Akaashi drives Bokuto back to the MSBY headquarters. Once they’re there, Bokuto removes his seatbelt and leans into Akaashi’s seat to give him a kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, I’ll see you in a bit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mm-hm. Good luck with your training, don’t work too hard.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Bokuto smiles, opening the door and getting out. “Love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akaashi smiles back, waving. “I love you.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>yea im purposely not revealing any more about kags for now (?). since its 22, 23 might be about 6 months later. 24 will most likely be about the letters Hinata sent. and the last chapter will............ most likely be........ a chapter focused on everyone just finally ok and like, foreshadowing of what wont really be showed anymore. </p><p>ok just trivia, idk if i mentioned it but hinata died 9/20, cremation being 9/27<br/>kags and hina broke up sometime in may, about a month later hina starts dating tsum (they dated for 3 months only)<br/>this ch dates 6 months after the last chapter, so Hinata's death anniv is nearing. and 6 months from now, they're going to get the lettes back</p><p>Looking at my story plan....... kageyama doesn't really fit anywhere. so it's possible that im going to really leave him out in the last three chapters. im not confirming nor denying his death, i'll leave that for u to decide (~^_^)~</p><p>Have lovely day! Hope u enjoy reading.<br/>Scream at me <a href="https://twitter.com/krisstiest">here</a></p><p>anyhoo.... anyone know what happens on 9/20 and 9/27, other than hina's death cerem? :&gt;<br/>if u know, hush. also, this is why Bokuto and Tsukishima's very affected. :&gt;<br/>yessss pain we love to see it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Abyss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The last thought that he processes is a memory, it’s him. Hinata, and all of his beauty. His smile, his smile that Kageyama misses ever so much. And his touch, his touch that felt like the warm touch of the sun.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ok please bear with me because it's so long. i hope u don't get bored in the middle of it-i just wanted to compile everything into one chapter so that the book's really only until 25. I hope you enjoy reading! I don't know if it's emotional enough but getting a pack of tissues would be advisable.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was a cold day in February, the sun was hiding behind the heavy gray clouds. The day was dull, so was the weather, and today, everything felt so slow. He came just from the shower, fresh with steam and hair dripping with warm water. He was shuddering, the air was cold and it hit him. He didn't care about how things felt, he’s become a little numb to such things. Can’t do anything about that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dried his hair, then himself. He wore dark skinny jeans and a loose white tee. Over the white tea, he wore a sweater. It was in the late afternoon, going outside during this time isn't really recommended. As said, it’s February, it’s cold, and it sometimes rains during the night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he didn't mind all that, because today-he has a plan. Now, he’s sitting by the front door, tying his shoes. He picked an old envelope sitting on top of the shoe rack, pocketing it inside his coat then leaving without locking up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All he’s hearing or can come to process is the buzzing in his mind. The ringing, the screams he’d hear every now and then. And Hinata’s face that would sometimes come to view, Hinata’s lovely face that had tears streaming down their cheeks. Everything else is quiet, everything else is fuzzy.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m the reason why he’s gone, </span>
  </em>
  <span>is all he can ever think now. It’s been embedded into the deepest grounds of his head, it’s the first thought he’s met with in the morning, and the last before going to sleep. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Who knew?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Is the second most often thought that flies in his mind. While he’s showering, doing laps and training, he asks himself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>who knew and why didn’t they do anything?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s given that Atsumu knows, Tsukishima and Sawamura, too. Sakusa, Kageyama’s not sure. Bokuto, if he knew, he’s sure the man would’ve abandoned their friendship already. Kageyama knows how protective Bokuto is of his adorable disciple. Akaashi on the other hand, seems like he knows. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How did they find out? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Did Hinata tell them, and then what? Why didn’t they do anything? Especially Sawamura, who’s a cop. Did Hinata really forgive him? If he did, why did he still do it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The revelation brought him into a state of critical thinking. It just explained everything. Hinata’s sudden odd behaviour, sensitivity towards touch and holding, being cautious of crowds and even more so towards strangers. It all just made sense. Why Hinata didn’t want to stand too close to him, and why he would suddenly cry sometimes-it all made sense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then their break up, Hinata snapped, but still didn’t say anything. He wanted to fix things but… </span>
  <em>
    <span>I didn’t listen to him… </span>
  </em>
  <span>And they stopped talking altogether, until after a while, when he called Hinata when he was drunk. Hinata came, to take care of him, after what he did? Really, is Hinata an angel or something? Why couldn’t Hinata just admit it? Why didn’t he throw Kageyama in jail? Why was he still so kind, after everything that happened?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata loves Kageyama that much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked to the exit, not really noticing the people he walked past, or the people that greeted him. Once he’s outside and officially leaving, he feels someone poke his shoulder. Kageyama looks over and finds Hoshiumi, he turns around, to properly look at him and ask, “Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kageyama!” He looked at his friend, and they were holding his jersey jacket. “Where are you going?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. I’m just…” Kageyama trails, averting his gaze. Somehow it was suddenly hard to look Hoshiumi in the eye. “Going for a walk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s cold, so cover up more.” The other says, patting Kageyama’s shoulder. “And don’t stay out too late, huh? Coach is treating us tonight!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got it…” Kageyama just smiles, he bows, tugging his lips back before speaking, “I’m going now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Stay safe.” Hoshiumi waves back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama bows again, waving then turning around again to leave. He left the headquarters and walked. He walked, and walked, like a robot. Eyes set ahead, not wavering from his path. He pursed his chapped lips, feeling them crack. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s really cold. </span>
  </em>
  <span>So, where was he going? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To the same place he went, exactly a year ago. Where his failed attempt to end his sorry life happened. He arrived at the beach, and once he realized it, he began to drag his feet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn't work the first time. Because he was saved just in time, and Oikawa didn't leave his side until he seemed to be okay. Now, Kageyama stood at the same spot, exactly a year ago, where Oikawa grabbed him by his shirt, hugged him and didn't let go until he stopped shaking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He climbed up and when at the top, he breathed. His lungs felt heavy, his chest was heavy. He removed his shoes, he’s going to jump. He’s set his mind on this. Everything but one is the same. It’s cold, the water below the ground he stood on was freezing. He stood, barefoot, looking far ahead, into the deep, just like before. He held Hinata’s letter in one hand, his shoes in the other. Everything was the same but for one. No one was there to save him. No one could save him this time. Oikawa was in Argentina, far away from Japan. There’s no way for him to save Kageyama now, and in that Kageyama felt relieved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lived another year, knowing what he did. And he’s been living his life, trying to repent, but every night he is haunted by Hinata’s screams. This whole year he tried to live a better life. Or at least, what he thought could be a better life. The chilling breeze touched his neck, and it sent shivers down his spine. He ignored it, instead of covering himself more with the coat he wore, he brought the letter to his face. He read it inwardly, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m saying this not because I want you to live with shame, or to remember me as long as you live. I’m saying this because you need to know and realize your mistakes.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t think that, okay? It’s not your fault. If I was stronger, none of this would’ve happened. I don’t want you blaming yourself for the inevitable.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Know that I forgive you. I don’t hate you. I love you.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sniffled, dropping his shoes behind him and covering his red nose with his forearm. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You may have forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouyou, I’m really sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a step forward, looking down. The water beneath was terrifying, the water below was in a deep blue shade, bubbles floating in the surface. Bubbles that were created by the waves that were big, going back and forth without mercy. Kageyama’s sure that once he’s down there, he can’t swim back to the surface.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that was fine. He wasn't planning on swimming back to the surface. And he’s sure that even if he tried, he wouldn’t be able to. The temperature today was below zero. So in that water, he can’t swim. His body would be in shock, so he wouldn't be able to move. A few seconds would send his body to complete paralyzation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama kneeled down, folding Hinata’s letter and putting it underneath his shoes. While on his knees, he feels his jaw harden from the shivering. He sighs, swallows, then gets up again. “I’ll see you soon.”  He puts one foot forward, it’s in the air, and once he puts all his weight on that foot-he’s going to fall. Into the abyss, and he’ll happily accept it’s embrace. “Very soon.” He tips his body forward, losing overall balance and he’s falling. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s really cold, </span>
  </em>
  <span>is the first thought that comes to mind once he’s met with the air that he pierced through. He’s seconds away from the water, and before contact, he smiles. Then he closes his eyes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s really, really cold.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He landed into the water, it hurt, and almost immediately, he felt incredibly numb. It’s numb, but at the same time, everything is pulsing. He hears the big splash he made, it’s the last thing he hears as he’s now sinking. He feels his whole body shake, it’s dizzying, it’s painful, it’s cold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He coughs, air escaping his lungs and floating to the surface. As a reflex, he tries moving his legs, but doing so only brings him more pain-and he chokes out again-the choke makes his gasp and saltwater enter his mouth, it goes down his throat, and into his lungs. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He squeezes his eyes, and he feels it–his consciousness that’s slipping. He lets go of all the air he has left, allowing himself to sink further. The last thought that he processes is a memory, it’s him. Hinata, and all of his beauty. His smile, his smile that Kageyama misses ever so much. And his touch, his touch that felt like the warm touch of the sun. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Tobio.” An older man calls, his voice is deep and weary, it’s familiar, and it makes Kageyama feel very uncomfortable. “When you love someone, make sure that they aren't suffering in silence.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“But why?” Kageyama asks, and he realizes that his voice is pitched, it isn't his deep, cold voice. It was his voice as a child. “And how should I do that?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You see, when you live long enough… and you find the person you want to die alongside with, you’ll just know.” The older man explained, Kageyama looks at them, but it’s a blur. It’s just… very bright. “It’s like a duty, knowing when they’re in pain, and finding out why they're in pain. Where did it come from, when did it start, and what can you do to relieve it. I suppose it’s just something you pick up along the way.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then… how will I know?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“When you love someone,” The older man prolongs, sighing, and Kageyama can feel that they're smiling. “You’ll just know… and well… I’m disappointed in you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Kageyama!!!!” A voice even more familiar called, he knew who it belonged to. In a heartbeat, he’d know. It’s… who else? Hinata’s voice. He almost forgot how heavenly it sounded. “Toss to me, toss to me!!!!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t you idiots ever get tired?” Another said, it was Tsukishima’s voice. Kageyama notices, and suddenly, he’s on the volleyball court. Tsukishima’s standing behind Hinata, holding an empty water bottle to his temple. He’s looking at Hinata with his usual stoic face, he’s sweaty, obviously tired. This was during their third year. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Never! Never, if it’s volleyball.” Hinata answers for himself and Kageyama, he looks at Tsukishima, tucking his long orange hair behind his ear. “Block for us, Tsukki!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ugh, pass.” Tsukishima lightly hits the bottom of his bottle on Hinata’s forehead. “Don’t overwork yourself, shrimpy, we wouldn't want our star fainting in the middle of a game tomorrow.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s right. They have official games tomorrow. It’s their last chance to go to the Nationals. Hinata and Kageyama are especially antsy because after this, they’re done. They won't… be able to play again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata grumbles, turning red with embarrassment as he pushes Tsukishima away. “Hey, move on! That happened once!” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“And it shouldn't happen ever again.” Tsukishima cocks his brow, Hinata wants to say something but Hinata pouts and nods. “And, dear King, you know it already right?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah.” Kageyama picks up a volleyball and dribbles it, “Captain said 35 sets at most.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s right.” Tsukishima smiles, a little annoyingly , “I’m leaving. Help Yamaguchi with cleaning up.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kageyama nods, “Yeah, yeah.” He lifts his hand and motions it back and forth, telling Tsukishima that he was free to go. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“See you tomorrow!” Hinata tells the tall blonde. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mm-hm, don’t overwork yourselves.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on, get ready.” Kageyama tells Hinata, pulling the trolley of volleyballs towards himself. “I’m going to do the counting.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah. Okay.” Hinata says, and it almost sounds like he’s bitter. Kageyama doesn't pay it any mind. Tsukishima’s right, they shouldn't overwork themselves today. They should get all the rest they can.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Afterwards.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>30 tosses later, Hinata’s starting to become breathless. He’s amazing, Kageyama can’t help fall in love. With Hinata’s form. The way Hinata dashes to one spot and to the other, and how he slows dance to throw his arms back, it’s when it looks like he has wings-he stops for a second and he jumps. It almost looks like he’s flying. He’s in the air and he’s so beautiful. His hair that’s already way too long follows his movements, sweat drops from his chin as his palm and fingers hit the ball down. The ball lands where it’s supposed to, and it makes a loud sound as it makes contact with the shiny wooden floor.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That was beautiful.” Kageyama says, but it actually slips. Hinata quickly turns to him, showing the raven that he’s weirded out. He throws his arms out for defense, “What?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“B-be honest. It was bad. Don’t kill me.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kageyama picks a ball up and throws it to Hinata’s face. Headshot. “Dumbass!” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“W-what now?!” Hinata covers his face that’s red. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It really was beautiful. You're annoying, we’re done. Let’s start cleaning up.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Right… fine... I’ll do the mopping.” Hinata wipes his sweat, running to the storage room to get the mops. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kageyama rolls his eyes, starting to gather the balls that came in different colors. He threw them into the basket, one by one. When he’s done, he pushes the trolley to the storage room. Hinata’s still running around, pushing the mop everywhere he went. Kageyama watched, then he wondered, where was Yamaguchi?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yamaguchi, have you seen him?” He asks Hinata.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“He’s in the faculty room with Yachi, talking with Coach and Teacher Takeda.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I see.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, don’t just stand there. Get the other mop and help me.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“‘Kay.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He returns to the storage room to get the other mop, and he finishes cleaning up with Hinata. They lock up and leave the keys in the faculty, Yachi and Yamaguchi are still there talking with their two advisers.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They knock on the door, waving to the four. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey! We locked up already.” Hinata says with a smile on his face. He puts the keys on the table. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay. Have a safe trip home, you two!” Ukai tells the volleyball idiots, “Get some rest.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We will. You too, bye everyone.” Kageyama leans his body on the doorframe. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Bye, see you all tomorrow.” Yamaguchi smiles, “Don’t be late tomorrow.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Goodbye Hinata, Kageyama!” Yachi waves from her seat.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The two leave the school and walk together until the street where they part. Hinata gets on his bike, Kageyama watches.  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yep.” Hinata says as he adjusts his gears. “Uh…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata doesn't look Kageyama in the eye, “I’m going to Brazil.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you serious?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata scratches his neck and nods. “Yeah. Coach Washijo’s helping me.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“... really? glad to hear.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hearing that, Kageyama feels thankful and remorseful. He feels thankful because Hinata gave him a reason from falling even further. He feels remorse because he should've at least admitted his feelings… What led him to think that? What’s the connection?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How long are you going to stay there?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t know yet.” Hinata leans his arms on his bike’s handles, “I dunno, I just wanted to tell you before everyone. Since you're my partner and all.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“... yeah. Thanks for telling me.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah. Okay.” Hinata puts his foot on a pedal, “Bye.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Bye.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata rode off and disappeared into the distance. Kageyama remembers the night that followed. He was anxious, not because of the game that was going to take place tomorrow. He was anxious because Hinata, the person who understood him best was leaving. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To the other side of the world, because of volleyball. Who knew Washijo would help Hinata? That was a little unexpected-and Kageyama’s happy… happy for Hinata because this is his chance to get better at volleyball. Not that he was bad at it. Rephrasing—to get even better at volleyball.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Kageyama!” He hears his name being called for the third time. It’s still Hinata’s voice… the world shatters and rebuilds itself, the memory he’s living through is when he’s picking Hinata up from the airport, 2 years after leaving Japan.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey. Long time no see-” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata drops his things and hugs Kageyama. “I missed you so much!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“H-hey, I missed you, too.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata lets go and he beams, “Two years feels like a decade. I missed home so much.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hinata picks his things up again and Kageyama’s staring. He’s just standing there, staring, absorbing the presence that was gone for way too long. Hinata, who stood before him, was… different. Physique wise. He was even prettier, of course. With defined facial features, tanned skin and toned body. He’s really changed.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Everyone’s waiting at Kozume’s house, we shouldn't make them wait any longer.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m falling for you, all over again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shouyou… please go out with me.” Kageyama takes Hinata’s hand, bringing it to his smiling lips. “I love you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Kageyama…!” Hinata gasps, pulling the latter into a tight hug. “Yes! I love you, too!” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The two hugged each other tightly, Hinata’s smile made Kageyama’s heart do flips and tricks-they were so happy.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kageyama.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kageyama hears, the voice echoes and once again, the world around himself crumbles and rebuilds itself. This time, he’s just standing in the middle of nowhere. It’s bright, his feet are under water, he’s in an endless sanctuary that almost looks like heaven. The sky above is bright, fluffy clouds floating here and there. There’s nothing near, nor far, it’s empty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The wind is gentle and it’s quiet. He seems to be all alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kageyama.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hears the voice again and he looks around, when he turns, he finds someone standing in the distance. A man, shorter than him, figure fragile and a head full of bright hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouyou?!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Again, he felt that pulsing inside his body. But he fought against it, and with all the strength he had, he ran towards the figure. He felt his chest tighten, with every step he made, he felt his whole body grow heavy. It was like running in mud, thick and sticky. And it started to pull him down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouyou!” He shouted again, trying to reach forward but he trips. He falls, face forward and when he gets up, someone’s standing in front of him. He blinks and looks up, and there Hinata stands. “Sh-shouyou!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you here, Tobio?” Hinata asked, brows furrowed, lips in a small frown, and eyes fixated on Kageyama, who looked pathetic. “Why aren’t you living your life, like how I told you…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sh-shouyou, I can’t possibly-without you…!” Kageyama got on his knees, taking Hinata’s hands… Hinata’s hands were cold. “I’m sorry, I’m so, sorry, I don’t deserve your forgiveness, Sh-shouyou!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The ginger lets out a gentle huff, kneeling down and cupping Kageyama’s cheeks. “What are you talking about?” Hinata leaned forward, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against Kageyama’s. His skin is cold against Kageyama’s warm one. “You’ve been repenting, haven’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… I have but…” Kageyama closes his eyes as well, putting his hands over Hinata’s. He’s really cold. “Th-that doesn’t mean I’m forgiven.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What more do you want, Tobio? I’ve already forgiven you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…!” Kageyama opened his eyes, inching closer as he held Hinata’s cheeks. “I want to be next to you again, like this. I r-really… I really miss you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata chuckles, tilting his head and smiling softly. “I’m sure you’re not the only one that misses me.” Kageyama slowly nods to this. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Atsumu, or Tsukishima… are the ones most deserving to be beside you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Do you think you’re the most deserving?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... no… I’m not…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hinata scoffs, smiling as he looks down. He withdraws his hands to take Kageyama’s, he puts them against his lips. He sits, staying like that as Kageyama watched. “They’ve put you through a lot, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... I don’t really care…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see…” Hinata’s hands are starting to warm. “Tobio, go back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go back, where?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Life. Live, Kageyama.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to. Not without you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been gone for too long already. You should be used to it by now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t… I’ll never get used to it…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And why not?” Kageyama helplessly shrugs, Hinata giggles and sighs. He looks the raven in the eyes, then he looks at everything else. “Look at you, you look so thin.” Kageyama doesn’t answer. “I love you, Tobio. I love everyone… and it hurt, seeing how everyone started distancing themselves from each other… do me a favor, will you?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Anything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When you get back, when you meet them, try to fix your relationship. I’m sure they won’t like the idea at first, but it’ll work out.” Hinata lets go and gets up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you sure?” Kageyama tries to stand, but he somehow can’t-his legs feels like static.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just know. Leave it to me, okay?” Hinata pats Kageyama’s hair, he leans down and kisses their forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... how?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, Kageyama.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything that once was brightened, it became so blindingly bright that Kageyama couldn’t help but cover his eyes.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Tsukki, thank you so much for everything! I know it’s selfish of me, but remember my words. I love you, a whoooole lot! See you around, I guess.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima read his letter from Hinata. It was three pages long, and simply holding it brought him to tears. And even now, as he’s looking at the last line, tears are continuously falling down his chin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He puts the letter down, scoffing as he holds his head. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He presses his fingers over both of his closed eyes, he’s trying to compose himself and it’s really difficult to do so. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Hesitantly, he looked down on the contents that were inside Hinata’s envelope. There were a few 2x2 pictures of him and Hinata, they were selfies. There were also stickers, dried flower petals and red string. He knew what that red string meant, but he chose to ignore it. He tumbles back, lying down on his bed and covering his face with both his forearms. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His phone vibrates once, he doesn’t pay it mind. Then it buzzes again, and again. It reminds him of a day, a year and a half ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sawamura Daichi:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Tsukishima!]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Kageyama jumped off a cliff!]</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so, did u reach the end of the chapter? congratulations if u did! ur prize is pain &lt;3<br/>heh u thought i wasnt adding kags anymore? I LIED I ONLY OFFER PAIN !<br/>Ok i would like to credit my love @/koko who gave me the idea of having kageyama remember a few core memories and meet hinata first before slipping into the after life.<br/>the next ch will prolly be out by next week or the week after that<br/>i love u! comment if u can, yall comments mean a lot to me, and id like to know what you think. so yes, have a great day!<br/>scream at me <a href="https://twitter.com/krisstiest"> here! </a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Apologies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He could see well that it was just him that was like this now. Everyone else has moved on, or is moving on. He’s the only that’s still… still. He blinks, sighing, he feels tired. He falls on his back, and he ends up worrying about Sawamura. I probably shouldn’t have left him like that.</p><p>He really just traveled three hours, stayed there for about thirty minutes, and left. He wonders how Sawamura’s holding up, and if he’s read Hinata’s letter. If he did, what did it have inside? What secrets did it hold and was Sawamura given the same thing, or was it different?</p><p>Was everyone’s letters different or was it all just a bunch of rambling? Yeah, I think I might really start hating you (Hinata) now. Tsukishima unknowingly dozes off. He sleeps, without the intention of waking up.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hellllooooooooo i know its been so long and im so sorry for that. life has been so hectic and ive been so inspired lately so if you read my books, im really sorry that i havent been updating anything. anyway, this chapter isn't really heavy but it's there. andd as always, i hope you enjoy reading and have a lovely day! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Tsukishima sat on the edge of his bed, his phone in one hand and Hinata’s letters in the other. He looked on his phone but couldn’t really make out anything, he wasn’t focusing. His eyes were welling with tears, and he blankly stared on the screen that was blurry. Tears fell, continuously, but he didn’t sob nor sniffle. He just sat there, tired, with his eyes bloodshot and mind a mess. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two years, it’s been that long. Twelve months, he spent his days mentally preparing himself for this. The letters. To finally know what was inside of them, he prayed that he would get the closure he so well deserved but what he read was far from enough. The letter’s words, albeit sent in regards, each word felt like daggers on his back and each sentence dragged and burned on his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leaned forward, chest tightening and throat feeling dry. He drops his phone to cover his face and he curses. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pathetic,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Down right pathetic</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Inside the letter, there’s a lot, he received three pages, back to back and it was a lot. Hinata said so many things but it just… wasn’t enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s honestly just like Hinata’s rambling, Tsukishima remembered the days Hinata ranted to him, and the days Hinata would let him read his journal. Remembering those moments, it made him smile, but it just hurt. Everything was a mess, not all points were aligned, there were topics brought up but there wasn’t always a conclusion. He was used to that, of course he was, but he just felt like it was unfair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the letter that carried so many words, the words Tsukishima were looking for were nowhere to be found. The answer to the question why, and did he plan to end it all after smiling like that? After bringing Tsukishima’s hopes up and talking about Brazil, did he really plan to end it all after saying he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>to go to Brazil with Tsukishima?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, that would be cruel if that was the case but what did he do?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Exactly that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And because of him, Tsukishima’s not the same. He lives with the question ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>could I have done more?’.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Who could blame him? Maybe it was something he did that brought Hinata to do such a thing. Or maybe there was something he lacked in, and it drove Hinata to end it all like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The letters had everything and nothing. It resolved a few things, but it didn’t have what Tsukishima was really looking for. Was it wrong for him to ask for more? When it was him who saw Hinata last and talked to Hinata last. Was it wrong to have a million questions, and pray that the letters he was given had all the answers?</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What more could I have done? In what part did I lack in? Where did it all start, when did you first think about doing it and why did you do it after talking to me like that?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What was wrong with me? With us, with everyone… we weren't enough… were we?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima sighed, looking up and drying his eyes with his sleeves. He puts the letter aside and picks his phone up to check the messages he received at such a bad time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sawamura Daichi:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Tsukishima!]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Kageyama jumped off a cliff!]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima reads it, not really absorbing anything yet. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kageyama jumped off a cliff?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima Kei:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[... and…?]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[like, for charity or…]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sawamura Daichi:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[GET YOUR ASS HERE]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima Kei:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[sorry, what?]</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[are you serious?]</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Tsukishima and Sawamura stood together in the waiting room. Inside of the ER was Kageyama. Sawamura paced and paced, biting his fingernails while he held his breath in worry. Tsukishima stood by the wall, arms crossed and hands hiding between limbs. He somehow felt responsible for what happened-all this--the guilt---he was tapping his foot unconsciously, his eyes darting from one corner to another. He didn’t know what to do, what to say, should he be sorry? Should he be surprised that this happened?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima, compared to everyone else; he was the one who scorned him most. They met more often than everyone else because they belonged to the same batch, and every time the family would eat together, the blonde would agitate Kageyama whenever he had the chance. And this often led everyone else to get mad at Tsukishima but as usual, the blonde  didn’t care. Tsukishima was one of those who </span>
  <em>
    <span>wished</span>
  </em>
  <span> he just did it. You know, </span>
  <em>
    <span>died</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Instead of Hinata.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So maybe it was natural for him to feel guilty. It was him and a few others who just </span>
  <em>
    <span>wished </span>
  </em>
  <span>that it was Kageyama instead of Hinata. But now that it’s happened, and that he stood here, waiting, </span>
  <em>
    <span>praying</span>
  </em>
  <span> that Kageyama was okay-all he could ever think of was ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t let go’</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A doctor followed by a nurse went through the door, he held a clipboard and had a pen stuck to it. They walked to Sawamura and the doctor coughed, getting the police officer’s attention.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-yes, how is he?” Sawamura asked, wiping his sweat and turning to the doctor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s in critical condition,” The doctor started, “He was gone for 3 minutes. His breath is very shallow, the beating of his heart is weak. I can’t say that he’ll wake up soon.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re warming him up, he’ll be moved to a proper room as soon as his condition stabilizes.” The nurse adds, trying to smile. “In the meantime, you can stay here and wait.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Sawamura lets out a shaky breath, “Okay. Thank you. We’ll be here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The nurse and doctor go back inside, and as soon as they leave, Sawamura sits himself</span>
</p><p>
  <span>down. “Fuck.” He cursed softly, holding his head as he leaned towards his knees. “Three minutes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s alive. He’ll be okay.”-is all Tsukishima comes up with. And it’s not like he said that for Sawamura, it’s more like he said that for himself. To reassure himself, to somehow calm himself down. He sits next to Sawamura, “Have you called his parents? His sister?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. His sister’s in Tokyo, she said that their mother’s working abroad.” The cop explained, he did his utter best to speak clearly. Despite this, his voice shook. His voice was unsettling. “She said she’ll be here before evening. So, I’m going to be watching over him for now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you notified Ushijima or his coach?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not yet. But I will.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima thinks back, </span>
  <em>
    <span>three minutes, </span>
  </em>
  <span>another minute would've been fatal. He leaned back, sighing in relief as he brought his hands to his face, fingers slipping under his spectacles and pressing over already puffy eyelids. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Damn it. I can’t be here.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t want to be here.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyway. I’ll be on my way, I have classes.” Tsukishima gets up slowly, “Sorry. Update me if something happens.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you really just going to leave?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... yeah, why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you feel even the slightest bit of guilt?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima shrugs, standing in place as he thought, but then he takes off. “See you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sawamura watches Tsukishima leave, just like that, then he’s back to biting his nails. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The blonde takes a cab home. It’s twelve in the afternoon, he doesn't actually have any classes. For now, at least. Actually, even if he did have classes he would skip them. Today’s not a good day, and it’s only twelve. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He received the letter, Kageyama’s in the hospital. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What else? </span>
  </em>
  <span>He asked as he looked outside the window and up to the sky. When he’s home, he goes to his bedroom to look at the letters and the other things that came inside Hinata’s envelope. He took them, one by one, before bringing the letter to face. He sat down and breathed, deeply and raggedly. The numbness, the nothingness and the silence that took root, grew, bloomed and resided, in a snap; turned into suffocating shame, remorse and static. He didn’t know what to think anymore-Kageyama jumped, </span>
  <em>
    <span>it’s my fault. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Peace will forever be stifled. Everything’s gone now, hope, redemption-the chance to ever become happy. Lost. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima doesn’t know what to think, the thought itself-the nothingness--it hits him like a truck. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s all my fault.</span>
  </em>
  <span> All the times he wished Kageyama to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>do it</span>
  </em>
  <span> comes rushing like a big wave, it smothers him. Guilt, he remembers Sawamura’s question.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t you feel even the slightest bit of guilt?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He does, and it’s growing-fast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The letters in his hands are wet with tears, he didn’t even realize that he started crying. He felt utterly pathetic, he sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. He puts the letters down, clicking his tongue as he notices that a few words were smudged because of the tears he shed. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If I kept my promise, would none of this have happened?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes dart to one portion of the letter, a specific line written in print. Among the other sentences, it was one of those that were written with care. It said,</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Promise me that when I’m gone, you won’t blame Kageyama, or anyone. Especially yourself. Put all the blame on me, I don’t mind you hating me when I’m not around. Simply because I won’t know, or I  won't be able to feel it. But please, feel free to hate me if you need something or someone to hate, or dump all your rages into. Even if I were to be gone, at least I could help you by being the thing that you can always go to and just… curse at.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Along the next lines followed, </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You better keep your promise, Tsukki. Kageyama’s hands off, don’t go on bothering him. That day I told you my secret, you promised you would act as if you knew nothing but you did the complete opposite. I didn’t actually expect you to listen but sometimes you were just too cruel towards him.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“That, I was…” Tsukishima sighed, pressing on his eyes and feeling his tears stream down. He squeezed his eyes every now and then, just to clear his eyes from the wetness. The tears that welled and eventually came dripping, it was a trivial thing. The fact that he was crying, it was a trivial thing but </span>
  <em>
    <span>damn </span>
  </em>
  <span>was it annoying. “How could I act normal and ignore the fact that he was the reason for your downfall?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s normal to hate someone who hurt the one you love. It’s normal to curse someone who caused your friend’s sadness. It’s normal to wish someone misfortune if they're the one that caused his burdens.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or is it? Tsukishima’s lost the perfect view of things. He’s too personally involved to think about the situation normally. Who could ever? Because of Kageyama, Hinata did it. And Hinata couldn't ever bring himself to hate the latter, not even once. He was just like that. Hinata was just the type of person that would bother themselves with the burden of hating someone. At least, hate anyone but themselves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn't bring himself to hate Kageyama but the way he hated himself–Tsukishima was in no position to pity but he hated Kageyama and Hinata, then himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hated himself because all he could do was be there for Hinata. All he could ever do was offer temporary solace, a home Hinata could run to and he did-Hinata always went to him first. In that there was bitter triumph. Because yes, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> the safe haven, the emergency bunker, the safety blanket—but despite those, what he did wasn't enough. He comes to wonder if he even helped Hinata in the first place.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Probably not.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He was happy to know that he was someone Hinata trusted but how could that ever be enough? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wanted to be the safe haven, the emergency bunker, the safety blanket. All of that, he was, but… it just wasn’t enough… Hinata, his smile, his frown, his dreams-his dreams that he let go of so easily-it haunted him. No matter how much time has passed, no matter how much he tries to not think about it, it holds him down like shackles, unable to move forward or even look ahead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The blonde held his head, whistling out a breath as he closed his eyes and tried to compose himself. After a few minutes, he opens his eyes and face palmed, vision burying as he didn’t focus on anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What’s the point?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do I bring myself down like this and not even try to move on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could see well that it was just him that was like this now. Everyone else has moved on, or is moving on. He’s the only that’s still… still. He blinks, sighing, he feels tired. He falls on his back, and he ends up worrying about Sawamura. I probably shouldn’t have left him like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He really just traveled three hours, stayed there for about thirty minutes, and left. He wonders how Sawamura’s holding up, and if he’s read Hinata’s letter. If he did, what did it have inside? What secrets did it hold and was Sawamura given the same thing, or was it different?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was everyone’s letters different or was it all just a bunch of rambling? Yeah, I think I might really start hating you (Hinata) now. Tsukishima unknowingly dozes off. He sleeps, without the intention of waking up.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>When Kageyama wakes up, he’s alone. When he wakes up, the first thing he realizes is that he feels incredibly tired. As if all the life in him was sucked out, or that he hasn't slept in so long. Which felt wrong, by the way-he felt like he hasn't slept in so long when it also felt like he’s been sleeping for far too long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels his dry throat next, and the warmth that enveloped his whole entirety. With droopy eyes, he looked around, he looked but didn't move. It didn't feel like if he tried, he wouldn't be able to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s alone in a spacious hospital room. An expensive looking one. In his vision, there’s a TV in the far corner, two sofas are near it and there’s a door that probably leads to the kitchen or the bathroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I survived…?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He swallowed, closing his eyes and covering his face with his forearm. He felt incredibly weak, it was weird. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I should probably call a nurse. But what do I do when I don’t want to?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He remembers Hinata. His ethereal smile, his heavenly voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why am I still alive…? Was that real?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama, despite not wanting to move or to press the button above him, did so. He sat up slowly, he turned to the wall and pressed the button. After pressing it, he’s about to lie back down but he hears the door open. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wow, that was quick. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He hears chatter and multiple footsteps.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The voices sounded familiar. He waited for a moment and Atsumu, Tsukishima and Sawamura came to view. They’re all talking until one realizes that Kageyama’s awake. It’s Sawamura who realizes this first and he freezes, mid sentence. The other two look at him in confusion, and Sawamura points at Kageyama.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You're awake.” Sawamura said, covering his mouth. “W-welcome back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other two freeze as well, and they look at Kageyama. All they do is put on a small, awkward smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H-hi,” Kageyama scratches his neck, tugging his lips back. “How long was I gone?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a few days…” Sawamura goes ahead, sitting down on the chair by Kageyama’s bed. “Four days. Did you call a nurse already?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, uh, sorry.” Kageyama feels his tongue not wanting to move. “I feel sluggish. I called a nurse when you all walked in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu and Tsukishima stand in the background quietly. Kageyama remembers what Hinata said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>-when you meet them, try to fix your relationship. I’m sure they won’t like the idea at first, but it’ll work out.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Miya, Tsukishima…” Kageyama averts his gaze, he ends up looking outside the window. It’s bright, it seems to be a beautiful day outside. “Look… I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you apologizing for?” Tsukishima says almost immediately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For everything.” Kageyama answers, “What I did, what I’ve been doing… I really have been trying to change. I…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your sorry won’t do or change anything.” Atsumu mutters but it’s audible enough for everyone to hear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I’ll take it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, Kageyama, we’re sorry too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouyou wouldn’t have wanted any of this to happen,” Atsumu clears his throat, there’s a moment of silence and he sighs. “We shouldn't have treated you so badly… we promised Shouyou we wouldn’t, and yet we did…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t need to jump.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atsumu elbows Tsukishima’s side. “We’re sorry. I, personally, still hate you but I’ll be better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima lifts his hand, “That goes for me, too. But Shouyou told me to treat you well, so I will. From now on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kageyama  nods slowly. “Thank you… I’m really sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine.” Sawamura pats Kageyama’s back, “How are you feeling?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay, just… tired… uh…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Does something hurt?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I… I don’t know. It was probably my mind playing tricks on me, but I saw him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no, not this bullshit.” Tsukishima grimaces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened-?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone knocks on the door and a nurse walks in, followed by a doctor and they smile at Kageyama. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Kageyama, you’re awake. Everyone, we’ll just give him a check up. Can you kindly excuse us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, of course-” Sawamura gets up. The three leave the room quickly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They go to the waiting room and sit on one of the sofas, they all stay quiet for a brief moment. Then Atsumu smacks the back of Tsukishima’s head, “You aren’t trying at all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m sorry.” Tsukishima clicks his tongue, moving away from Atsumu. “It’s going to take me a while because I need to get used to being nice to him again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, is it like being horrible to Kageyama’s in your blood?” Sawamura squints his eyes at Tsukishima, who rolls his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It might as well be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We talked about this.” Atsumu puts his hands together. “Let’s do it for him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This… my life span…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then you shouldn’t have promised Shouyou anything in the first place.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima hissed. “Yeah, yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They wait a few minutes, and the nurse and doctor eventually leave to contact Kageyama’s sister. In the meantime, the three go back to Kageyama’s room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was the check up?” Sawamura asks, going back to his seat. Atsumu and Tsukishima stay by the window, sitting on the window sill. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just need dextrose or something… I wasn’t exactly listening, they’ll tell my sister the same so I didn’t really care.” Kageyama rubbed his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you tired?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but it’s okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Back to Shouyou.” Atsumu hands Kageyama a bottle of water. “What happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, we talked.” Kageyama looks at Tsukishima. Their eyes don’t meet but he doesn’t care, he understands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did he say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A lot.” Kageyama smiled unknowingly, “But what’s most important is that he told me to fix everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... that sounds like something he’d say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What else?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He told me to live.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And here you are.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was probably your mind playing tricks on you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Right.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kageyama nods. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shouyou wouldn’t say that he loved me, after everything I’ve done. He wouldn’t kiss me or hug me, or hold my hands, after I did him like that…  </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>scream at me <a href="https://twitter.com/krisstiest"> here! </a><br/>im so sorry if things are so messyyy :(<br/>i wanted to include a part where atsumu and everyone else talked about what the letters had but like lolol that would be so long and i kindaaa felt like it was unneeded at this point. its given that everyone, not just the three here are going to be better towards kags bc hinata always mentioned that they shouldnt treat kageyama any different than any other human being. and yeea thats it. idk when the finale will be posted, but ive already started writing it. i honestly dont know how to end this because i changed so many things in the original plan because i didnt want this to be a "over-the-top sad crap" but mhm, i /can/ assure everyone tho that its not a bad ending. thats sorta given, because everyone's ok or is acting ok w e/o noww? ridninvinfs idk yea sorry for rambling but i felt the need to say this. <br/>have a good day :&gt;</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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